There's One, Only!

PGHA: Cindy Sheehan's Book - Review

(THIS IS ALL FAKE! I HAVE NOT READ THIS BOOK AND HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO! DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A REAL REVIEW. THIS IS A HUMOR PIECE. I know that she has lost her son, and that's a pain that I can not even begin to understand. However, her continued use of this tragedy for what is a personal agenda makes this an allowable target for parody.)

Recently, Cindy Sheehan, in another attempt to further her political agenda, wrote a book. It's already in paperback...

But one of the more recent things I've added to There's One, Only! is reviews. Movie, game and book. (OK, so I haven't done to many of them) Now I haven't read Sheehan's book. And have no plans of ever reading it. So, since I can't review it, I interviewed some prominent Liberal policy makers (I figure they'd have the most positive opinions).

So, here are the reviews as given by a bunch of Liberals:

A moving tale of a woman and her grief. And I'd like to help console her any way I can. *wink* *wink* - Bill Clinton

It's going to be a best seller in New York, in New Hampshire, and then Nebraska, and then Ohio and.... Yeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrghh! - Howard Dean

Of course I agree with everything she wrote, whole heartedly... wait a minute, this is off the record, right? - Hillary Clinton

Well, it didn't blame Bush as much as I'd like - only every other sentence or so. But it would still be a good book to send to one of those war-mongering soldiers over there. - Ted Rall

Mmmm. Cheeseburgers. - Michael Moore

Ms. Sheehan is such an eloquent writer that I'd hook up with her in a second if I wasn't already married to... what's her name again? - Bill Clinton

I wish the mother of one of the men who died under my command had written something like this when I was wounded - three times - in Vietnam... where I received three Purple Hearts. - John Kerry

This is almost as good as that book I wrote on traffic safety. - Ted Kennedy

I just love her hair! - John Edwards

Did I mention that I really feel her pain and would like to help her feel better? - Bill Clinton

I can't wait to play Cindy when they make the movie from this book! - Barbra Streisand

A million more marchers should read this book! Which proves that Bush blew up New Orleans! - Louis Farrakan

Ooof.

Long day at work...

Time to go treat the blisters.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Law

Murphy's Law. Put simply, Murphy's Law states that whatever can go wrong, will. It has many corollaries, such as The Buttered Toast Corollary (the buttered side always hits the floor), The White Shirt Corollary (anything spilled will always hit the person wearing white), and The Cat Corollary (a cat will always jump into the lap of the allergic guest) to name a few. And now, we can add The Evil Glenn Corollary - namely, anything Evil Glenn does will impact negatively on my life.

For example, Evil Glenn finally got TiVo. And now there's nothing good on TV to watch. Ever.

Then, he bought himself an Xbox. And now the Xbox 360 comes out and not as many of the cool games are being put on the original Xbox platform. Which is the only one I can afford.

Last week, he sold his old set of snowshoes. So I ended up with two feet of snow falling over Thanksgiving week.

I just hope he doesn't get a set of skis before Christmas. Or else it'll be a blue green Christmas for me...

Happy Thanksgiving!

I just want everyone to have a safe holiday weekend. And if you could, think about the things you really are thankfull for. Just for a moment or two between courses...

Enjoy dinner everyone!

PGHA: Spinning like a top.

Harv asked this question of all the people who were calling for Saddam's head and or claiming he had WMD's a few years ago, but who are now saying President Bush lied about those things.

How can these people justify calling George Bush a liar for saying the same things they said themselves?

I found one of these prominent people to ask him directly.

He answered, "Well, it's very complicated and hard to explain. But basically - LOOK! IS THAT A MOUNTAIN LION!?" And then he ran away.

It was actually the most coherent discussion I've ever had with a Liberal...

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Well, I finally got tagged for a meme. This one, The Alarm Clock, was foisted upon me by my Blog-sister Sarah of That's Not Very Nice!

1. Do you use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning?

Kind of. I don't need the alarm clock to wake me up. I'm usually awake right before the alarm goes off. But I do use it to tell me when I have to finally get out of bed.

2. What time do you set it for?

At least half an hour before I have to get up. Sometimes, I'll even set it for 2 hours before I have to get out of bed so that....

3. Do you hit the snooze button, if so how many times?

... I can hit it a lot. Sometimes up to a couple of hour's worth. (The snooze will only work for one hour, but my clock has two alarms, and I have been known to set them about an hour apart to get a full spread.) I use the snooze to give myself the illusion of the guilty pleasure of sleeping in. There's nothing better than rolling over, hitting the snooze, and rolling back to my pillow for another 10 minutes.

4. Have you ever abused an alarm clock?

No, but I bought my last one because I thought the previous one was broken. I was wrong, so now I have a spare.

5. It's time to spread some "Its Blogcess" linky love.

Sorry. Just about everyone that I regularly read has already been hit by this, and I'm too lazy to double check them all. But anyone who hasn't been tagged by this is welcome to try it themselves. Consider it a self tag...

An ad

Up at the top of the page here, right below the Amber Alert ticker, I put up an ad for SaveSomeGeorges.net An online shopping portal where you can get up to 40% cash back when you shop at many Name Brand on-line stores.

You should check it out! It really does work, and you really can get cash back on on-line purchases.

Now, I'm not getting anything for this. But when you sign up through that link, it credits my Blogless Father's account. And he could really use some subscriptions. It'd really cheer him up.

It's totally free to sign up. I've even used it myself to buy some stuff through OfficeMax. So I can attest to it working.

Thanks in advance for checking it out!

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's light blogging

Boy, this was a silly and easy question to answer:

What has Evil Glenn been doing at his computer instead of editing his book or blogging?

Playing DOOM³, what else is there?

Snow...

And more snow.

Got to love that lake effect...

PGHA: Media Patriotism

The question: Is the Media patriotic?

Answer: Yes, of course. However, you have to take into account what country they're being patriotic for. The Peoples Republic of Liberaltania. In the little world that they live in, that's where they swear allegience to. And TPRoL is and always has been at war with America. So, anything that they say to destroy or harm the U.S. is considered just part of normal espionage.

See, you shouldn't question the Media's patriotism. You just have to find out what country they belong to.

A bad day driving...

I was driving along the Thruway the other day, and up ahead of me was a bunch of turkey buzzards. It looked like they were in the middle of my lane, so I changed lanes to go around them. Then, just before I got to them, they all scattered.

Well, one of them must not have been too bright, because he flew right in front of me instead of the other direction. I didn't have time to hit the brakes, so he smacked right into my jeep. He dented my hood, rolled up it into my windshield (cracked it real bad) and flipped right over my roof.

And landed on the hood of the Police car driving behind me!

Then, to add insult to injury, the Police Officer pulled me over and gave me a ticket.

...For flipping him the bird.

(Shamelessly stolen and paraphrased from a caller to the Sandy Beach show on WBEN)

Mondays....

Can't live with them, can't sleep through them.

(Believe me, I've tried.)

Tell me something I don't know

... oh, I guess you can't.

"Intellectually" Intelligent You're 'Intellectually Intelligent.' That pretty much means that you're good with theoretical ideas and concepts - but this comes to you naturally. More or less, you're a natural brainiac. Good for you. 40% theoretical intelligence 60% natural intelligence

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Well, I kind of expected Engineer....

But Special Ops is real cool too. I guess I like the blowy-uppy things more than I realized.

You scored as Special Ops. Special ops. Your sneaky, tactful, and a loner. You prefer to do your jobs alone, working where you don't come into contact with people. But everyonce in a while you hit it big and are noticed and given fame. Your given the more sensitive problems. You get things done, and do what has to be done. "VULCAN NECK PINCH!!!" "owww.......(slump)" Special Ops 69% Engineer 63% Officer 56% Artillery 50% Medic 50% Combat Infantry 50% Support Gunner 50% Civilian 6% Which soldier type are you? created with QuizFarm.com

(Hat tip John of Castle Argghhh!)

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Class Action Lawsuit

Just great.

I got a letter yesterday informing me that I'm the subject of a class action lawsuit.

Basically, when you boil out all the legalese and lawyer double talk, it looks like I'm being sued for discrimination. More specifically, I've discriminated against everyone that I've never given all of my money and posessions to. Which amounts to everyone in the whole world, minus one (me). They want to garnishee my wages for about the next 50 million years!

Of course the lawyer is willing to settle out of court on this one. At the bottom of the lawsuit, was this note, written in pencil:

Of course, all of this can go away and not trouble you any more, if you just pay everyone one dollar, each. Into an account that I'll manage until we can see to proper disbursement, of course.

- Glenn Reynolds

So. Um. Does anyone have approximately $6.5 billion I could borrow?

It's Veteran's Day

So if you can, hug a vet. Thank them for everything they've done.

(This is one of the few times where I feel alright hugging another guy...)

I think I've posted this before, so I'm putting it in the extended entry. But here's the lyrics to Some Gave All by Billy Ray Cyrus. It's a song that says just about everything there is to say about our vets, and what they gave for us.

Some Gave All

I knew a man called him Sandy Kane
Few folks even knew his name
But a hero was he
Left a boy, came back a man
Still many just don't understand
About the reasons we are free

I can't forget the look in his eyes
Or the tears he cries
As he said these words to me

All gave some and some gave all
And some stood through for the red, white and blue
And some had to fall
And if you ever think of me
Think of all your liberties and recall
Some gave all

Now Sandy Kane is no longer here
But his words are oh so clear
As they echo through out our land
For all his friends who gave us all
Who stood the ground and took the fall
To help their fellow man

Love your country and live with pride
And don't forget those who died America can't you see

All gave some and some gave all
And some stood through for the red, white and blue
And some had to fall
And if you ever think of me
Think of all your liberties and recall
Some gave all

And if you ever think of me
Think of all your liberties and recall, yes recall
Some gave all

Some gave all

Hey, LISTEN UP!

To all of you people who think that the gas station is trying to rip you off because you see $0.03 on the pump when you start pumping:

That's happening because when you squeeze the handle before your pay-at-the-pump credit card swipe has gone through, you're draining the hose. Nothing shows up on the display yet, because the pump is still talking to the bank's computer. Then, sometime after you've stopped futily trying to get gas and let go of the handle, the transaction finally goes through. The pump will re-charge the hose at this point, since you are determined to be able to pay for your gas. And since you're no longer holding the pump handle, SURPRISE, you see that you've been robbed! Of 3 cents!

It's actually in your car already!!!!!!!!!

Either that, or the last person to use the pump figured out how to turn off the pump while the nozzle is still in his or her car and stole the three cents. But no matter what, the gas station did not.

Gas stations have their pumps checked every year by the Department of Weights and Measures. At great expense to the station, I might add. And are in fact, completely unable to modify any of the dispensing or measuring equipment.

And since they're only making about 6 cents a gallon (About 2.5 cents per dollar) and your credit card company is charging them up to 4 cents on the dollar for the transaction (after you factor in the per transaction charge of 15 to 20 cents), please don't hang the pump up and demand your 3 cents. Doing so costs the station a lot, and makes the person behind the counter (if it's not some pimply faced kid who doesn't care if the business goes under) very annoyed. If you're nice about it, they will usually hand you the 3 cents over the counter when you're done pumping. With a smile.

But don't come in all self-righteous about 3 or 4 cents. You'll look like an idiot. And yes, they will talk about you after you leave.

/rant

Happy Birthday!

To the U.S. Marines. 230 years old and still kicking butt!

(And I forgot to send a card...)

Morituri te salutamus

-We who are about to die salute you.

You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him. Maximus 83% William Wallace 75% Captain Jack Sparrow 71% Indiana Jones 71% The Terminator 67% Batman, the Dark Knight 63% Lara Croft 63% The Amazing Spider-Man 54% Neo, the "One" 46% James Bond, Agent 007 46% El Zorro 42% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Hat tip to Ted of Rocket Jones for this one.

PGHA: The French Riots

I was able to get an inside scoop on what's going on over in France. Or at least an inside scoop on why the riots are happening. An old friend of Slinky the Wonder Ferret* managed to get a copy of the Manifesto being issued by the leaders of the rioters.

A Declaration of Violence

We the poor, underappreciated, downtrodden yet rightful rulers of France declare that no longer will we let ourselves be subject to the Unlawful oppression of the French Oppressors. We will no longer let the elected leaders of a country that should by all rights be ours so flagrantly flaunt our wishes. You have ignored us at your own peril, and now you must reap the fruits of your inaction.

When we made our pleas, you didn't listen. When we threatened, well... you ran away, but without doing what we really wanted you to do. Now that we have erupted with a righteous violence, you must do what we say!

For too long this blasphemy has gone on. And now you have no choice but to subject yourselves to our commands! This is your final chance. If you do not acquiesce, we will have no other option but to take things to the next level. And you don't want to know what that is.

So we are warning you for the very last time. In Allah's name, all Jerry Lewis movies must be taken off the air!

* This old friend was a member of the Swiss Special Forces, and Slinky saved him from an avalanche in the Swiss Alps. Apparently, the man lost his Swiss Army knife and was helpless without it untill Slinky showed up to help him. What Slinky was doing in the Alps, I've never been able to figure out. He didn't invite me along... not that I'd have been able to go anyways, what with my work schedule and all.

I'm so ashamed...

I only voted once in today's elections.

I know that some people are so full of patriotic zeal that they go and vote two, three, sometimes four times. And others believe so much in civic duty that they even vote after they've been dead. For years.

I, on the other hand, didn't even think of going back and voting again until just now. And since the polls close in 20 minutes, I probably couldn't get there in time anyways. (I'm really slow at putting on my shoes and jacket...)

I am such a failure at being a citizen.

Don't forget!

Tomorrow is election day! (Or if you're reading this tomorrow, then today is election day. If you're reading this the day after tomorrow, then you missed your chance to vote... and you might be in a cheesy end of the world movie.)

I know that it's a doubly off-year election, but it can still be very important to vote. I know that here in New York, we have Proposal 1 to defeat if we want to retain the semblance of any control of our taxes. (And don't ask me why it's Proposal 1 instead of Proposition 1, no one I talked to could figure that one out. Although it may have something to do with the fact that it's a proposed change in the state's constitution.)

Anyways, go vote. We live under a representative government - which is probably the best one devised so far for any group of people larger than a small village - but we still need to hold our representatives accountable for their decisions and actions at every chance we get.

So one more time: Go vote!

I Like Cookies

The crunchy ones you eat with milk, that is. I guess the computer ones are ok too. They let me not have to type all my information in every time I want to leave a comment on someone else's blog, but they don't go well with milk.

And that's just too bad.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn, the Musical

The invitation just showed up on my doorstep one day. It didn't come with the mail, and I never saw who delivered it. One minute, nothing; the next, a big envelope.

I was a little hesitant to open it. I was afraid that it might be another Mission: Implausible! from Harvey. I was wrong. It was worse.

It was an invitation to attend the premier of the new Broadway Musical "Glenn And The Amazing 16-bit Color Laptop." Actually, it was less of an invitation and more of a threat... the last line read, "I know where you live and have a rocket launcher."

So, since I'm pretty sure that my Homeowner's Insurance doesn't cover Evil-Blogger RPG damage, I couldn't resist his offer.

Apparently, my recent foray into the world of reviews was a mistake. Evil Glenn must have figured that if I could say halfway nice things about DOOM, then I'd write good stuff about anything. What follows is the account of the horrors that I went through that night.

The invitation said to get there early, as there was limited seating available. And it looked like every reviewer and critic in the state had received the same invitation I did. Several were visibly twitching every time they heard any loud noise. And one poor guy actually wet himself when a car backfired on the street outside.

Fortunately, I have a congenital defect which forces me to get everywhere at least 15 minutes before I have to. So I had no problem finding a seat. Well, actually the problem was that I found too good a seat. I was able to see and hear everything.

When I first walked into the theater, I heard what sounded like 20 or so cats being tortured. My first thought was that I was hearing Evil Glenn's truly atrocious pit orchestra tuning up. But as I was ushered down to the Reviewer's Box, I was forced to revise that thought. It was the pit orchestra, but they were actually torturing cats! They had them stretched out over all sorts of frames and tables, and with the help of some mallets, were using them as instruments. Any hope that I still had upon arriving at the theater was instantly crushed. I then knew that this was going to be far worse than I had feared.

This is what I saw.

After what seems like an eternity of cat-screeching prelude, the curtain finally goes up. On stage, is a slightly youngish looking Evil Glenn (he has on one of those propeller beanies and is wearing what looks like those short-pants boys were forced to wear back in the 30's) sitting at a computer clicking a mouse. A projection screen descends from above, and we see that "Little" Glenn is just finishing his registtration of the domain name for Instapundit. With a little flourish, he hits the Enter key and brakes into song.

Happy Insta-day

"Little" Glenn: It's a happy, happy, happy, Insta-day.
In a happy, happy, happy, Insta-way!
I'm gonna start a bloggin',
And empty out my noggin'
On this website every day!

A choir of what looked like midgets in cherub costumes drops down from the rafters and dangling on wires like a bunch of Christmas ornaments, joins the singing.

Cherubs: It's a happy, happy, happy, Insta-day.
In a happy, happy, happy, Insta-way!
He's gonna start a bloggin',
And empty out his noggin'
On this website every day!

Fortunately, after about six or seven verses of this, the song finally ends.

The next scene has a rather dejected looking "Little" Glenn sitting at his computer despondently poking the keyboard with one finger. The intro to the next song starts, and I am surprised to find the cat screeches sound familiar! I look down at the program and see that I was right, the music had been actually written by Queen.

Some Stories to Blog (Sung to "Somebody to Love" by Queen)

"Little" Glenn: Can anybody,
find meeee.
Some stories,
To,
Blog.

I get up every morning and type a little,
Before I can barely see.
Take a look at the monitor,
And cry,
"What am I doing to me?"
I spend all of my life typing,
And just don't like what I read.

Oh, somebody.
Somebody.
Can anybody find me,
Some stories to blog?

I type hard,
Every day of my life.
I type my fingers to the bone.
At the end of the day,
I don't like what I've done.
I've got to get out of this writer's block,
I've got to find some more links.

Oh, somebody.
Somebody.
Can anybody find me,
Some stories to blog?

At this point, Satan shows up. And in return for "Little" Glenn's worship, Satan promises to show him how to blog faster and more often than ever before. And to sweeten the deal, he also promises to make "Little" Glenn the Dark Blog-lord of the Blogosphere.

"Little" Glenn agrees. A large puff of smoke, and "Little" Glenn is gone. Now, standing before us is EVIL GLENN.

Evil Glenn: Heh!

Satan: Indeed.

And so ends the first act.

The curtain comes up for the second act, and we see Frank J.! Actually, it's just some skinny kid, but he's wearing a "Nuke the Moon" t-shirt and wielding a katana. So we know who it is. He's in the process of declaring blog-war on Evil Glenn, and he breaks into song.

To Fight The Unbeatable Blog (Sung to "To Dream the Impossible Dream" from The Man of La Mancha)

"Frank J.": To fight the unbeatable blog,
To contend with an unbeatable foe.
To strive for impossible numbers,
To blog what the sane dare not know!

This is my blog!
This is my war.
I'll beat that puppy blender,
I know it is so.

I'll follow my dream,
And when the war's won...

With that, Evil Glenn comes running onto the stage and punches "Frank J." in the mouth. "Frank J." crawls off the stage, whimpering as Evil Glenn stands there and gloats.

Finally, after several forgettable hours, we come to the last scene of the show. Evil Glenn stands on a dais overlooking rows of people furiously typing on keyboards below him. You can see the cables from all the keyboards run to one computer, the display of which is on the projection screen. Almost faster than you can read, print is flowing past. You can just make out that they are all posts on Instapundit, being typed almost faster than humanly possible.

Cracking the whip he holds in his hand, Evil Glenn rains down commands to his frantically typing minions.

Evil Glenn: Heh!

Minions: Heh.

Evil Glenn: Indeed!

Minions: Indeed.

And then Evil Glenn breaks into song.

My Way (Sung just like Frank Sinatra)

Evil Glenn: And now, the end is near,
And I must deal a final hurtin'.
You know, that if I don't,
There just might be some desertin'.

I rule the world,
Yes that is true.
And control the information super-highway.

But yes much more than this,
I made them do it MY WAY!

Then, he catches a top-hat and cane that come sailing out to him. As he starts tap dancing a complicated, jerky dance involving twirling his cane while whipping his minions below him, they break out into song.

Happy Insta-Day(Reprise)

Minions: It's a happy, happy, happy, Insta-day. (*Ouch* *Ouch* *Ouch*)
In a happy, happy, happy, Insta-way! (*Ouch* *Ouch* *Ouch*)
He's gonna keep a bloggin',
While hoboes he's a floggin'
On this website every day!

This goes on for almost half an hour, with each verse key changing to the next higher one. Finally, as the song reaches up into the realm where only dogs can hear, I black out...

And then, some unknown time later, I awoke back at my house. The echoes of the music were still ringing in my ears, but at least they were just echoes.

There was a blogmeet and I wasn't invited?

...Actually, that's probably a good thing.

Harvey has a recap of the blogmeet he went to in Tennessee over at Straight White Eric's house. Well, it's not so much of a recap of the meet as a wonderfull set of descriptions of the people he met there.

It helps bring to life a little bit more, some of the people who's writing you enjoy reading, yet who don't seem to talk about themselves enough.

Which is why I'll probably never actually go to any blogmeets myself. Not because I don't want to meet any of these really nice people. But because, next to them, I'd seem rather dull, boring... and probably not very interesting to be around at all. (No, I don't have a low self-esteem issue. You have to have some self-esteem for that.) Besides, I don't get a lot of time off work, so I couldn't go to any even if I wanted to.

But go check out what Harvey thinks of everyone. I think you'll like the people he met too.

PGHA: Happy U.N.Birthday

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you.
You act like a bunch of monkeys,
And you smell like them too!

It was time for the big party to celebrate the U.N.'s big 60th birthday, and everyone was looking forward to it.

Let's take a look at what had been done over at the U.N. building for the party...

D -31: Kofi Annan announces that a party for all poor people will be held in one month to celebrate all that the U.N. has done for the downtrodden people of the world.

D -20: The Pre-Party-Planning Committee announces it has only three more sessions to go before they can finally decide on who can attend the party-planning committee meeting.

D -17: Kofi Annan sets up a catering fund and places Kojo in charge.

D -15: The entire Middle-East demands that Israel not be allowed to attend the party.

D -14: They also demand that the U.S. can only come if they make all their women were burnouses.

D -13: Final Pre-Party-Planning Committee meeting is held. China boycotts.

D -12: Party-Planning Committee meets for the first time at up-scale New York Restaurant. Refuse to pay dinner tab.

D -11: France demands U.N. Resolution to only allow French wine to be served at the party.

D -10: Kofi Annan sets up a catering fund and places Kojo in charge.

D -7: Party-Planning Committee looks into having U.N. Peacekeeper forces provide security, but decide against it when they cannot locate enough underage prostitutes for the officers.

D -6: U.N. passes resolution demanding that the U.S. pay for all of the party costs.

D -4: Kofi Annan sets up a catering fund and places Kojo in charge.

D -2: Catering supplies are packaged and prepared for shipment to the many party locations.

D-day: All the poor people show up, but none of the catered food arrives. Lavish party held at Kofi Annan's penthouse suite; for his close personal friends only.

D +1: Kofi Annan denies any knowledge of catering fund mishandling.

D +5: Frantic searching of warehouses turns up nothing.

D +7: U.N. demand that America pay for the party like they were ordered to.

D +42: Large crates marked "Catering Supplies" arrive at a French warehouse owned by Kofi Annan.

Blank

I'm in search of something profound and wise to share with everyone today.

But unfortunately, all that's going on in my brain is.... well nothing really. Even the little hampster has taken a time out from running in his wheel.

Sorry folks. Not even a decent bad-joke today.