July 31, 2005
Links!
For everyone who likes to rev up the engine and grunt a little while doing it, Ted over at Rocket Jones has a link for you.
Russ, in the comments, adds a link to What Can You Hemi?, also a must see.
Make sure you browse around Rocket Jones while you're there. Ted's got some good links and lots to say.
Blog Crawl
Well, even though I forgot it was going to happen, I seem to have had the right post up for the Bad Example Family Drunken Blog Crawl. Everyone who was drunk enough seemed to enjoy the Yeti Joke.
OK. No one seemed to enjoy the joke, but I'm sure that being drunk helped take some of the sting away.
The worst thing was, I had the evening off, and I completely forgot to go around and party. :-(
Oh well, I'm pretty anti-social (not in the mass murderer sense, but more in the wall-flower sense) anyways, so I'm sure no one really missed me not being there.
Here's the Bad Example Family if you want to go pick up after everyone.
July 30, 2005
A Lame Joke
THE YETI
An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti.
"You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you."
With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent. He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent. He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so CRASHED INTO THE YETI.
It screeched and followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home.
Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him!
Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw… the Yeti. It was STILL following him!
Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him. It was.
There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely.
The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned.
It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest.
"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction.
July 29, 2005
Filthy Lie: Buying Instapundit
It was inconceivable! Evil Glenn actually put a price on his blog. Admittedly, it's a rather high price, but to assign a monetary value to such a lifelong passion... well, I just can't believe it.
But then, the question comes up: Who will buy Instapundit?
Several choices immediately leap to mind.
The Huffington Post has the money, and could only benefit from either the absorption, or destruction of Instapundit. But they may not want to have more than the token conservative on their staff that they already have.
The Chinese could buy it, and I'm sure the Evil Glenn, the Mao worshiper, would gladly sell to them. But I don't think there is are any Chinese characters for Hmm, Indeed, or Heh!
India could buy it. They have both the manpower and technical skills necessary to keep up the massive amount of postings that are expected on Instapundit. They also already worship cows, so using Evil Glenn's Idea Heifers would prove no problem for them. However, they may have some qualms with the karmic downside to all of the puppy-blending and hobo murdering that is a mainstay of Evil Glenn's livelihood.
Harvey would have bought the site, but most Graffitti Currency has only sentimental value. Besides, I think that not partaking in Penguin Porn is just about the only virtue that Harv has left.
Oh well, it looks like no one has both the money and the tastelessness to purchase Instapundit at the moment. So I figure that we're stuck with Evil Glenn for the time being.
...At least until Paris Hilton gets interested in the internet.
Yay!! Twins!
My blogless brother's best friends, a married couple, are expecting twins ... sometime in December I think. (To tell the truth, I usually don't pay too much attention to these sorts of things) But just the other day, they found out that they are going to have twin girls.
We still don't know if they are identical, or fraternal though.
The question is, what are some good twin names for girls: (a)for identical twins, or (b)for fraternal twins?
July 28, 2005
Nerf™
With all the worry about the foam insulation falling off the Space Shuttle's fuel tank, it kind of puts a whole different light on the dangers of those Nerf™ toys...
Great, now my hat doens't fit right.
I hit my head on a large galvanized steel pipe fitting at work... again. I think the reason that I keep doing it is that the expected conditioned pain response is getting lost in the brain damage I'm suffering.
Once, when working on another pipe nearby, I hit my head on that same fitting 13 times. I kept count. But I kept on forgetting to keep my head down.
Fortunately, the headache is almost gone...
July 27, 2005
PGHA: Attacking Roberts
I was on a stake-out. It was an electronic one, but a stake-out none the less.
Harvey had sent me on this Mission: Implausible! (Cue Theme Music), but the details don't need going into right now. They're kind of hazy anyways. I've got a hole in my memory, along with a matching one in my kitchen ceiling, about how I got the assignment. But the mission rang clear in my head. I was to find out:
How will the left attack Supreme Court nominee John Roberts?
Which lead me to here. Sitting in an unmarked van (I had to leave the Jeep at the van rental company) outside the building where the Senate Democratic Leaders were meeting. In secret, they thought.
They had seized upon the failure of the Democratic Leadership Meeting To Define What They Stand For, and decided to have a meeting about why they were against Roberts.
I had harnessed Slinky the Wonder Ferret with a video and audio pickup and sent him inside the building to find the meeting. With his ability to navigate the air vents of the structure, I figured it would be no time before he found the right room. Next time, I need to put a receiver on the harness for Slinky to be able to hear me as well. He scurried right by the duct labeled "Secret Democrat Meeting Room" three times before he finally stuck his head in. I'm just lucky that no one heard me yelling at the monitor in the van the whole time. (Yeah, I holler at football games too...)
Finally, after much biting of my nails, Slinky was in place. He set the camera and microphone in the right direction, and must have dozed right off, since I could hear very faint snoring over my head-phones.
It didn't take me long to find out why the little guy had fallen asleep so fast, Joe Lieberman was speaking. For the sake of your sanity and my bandwidth, I won't be able to give you the whole video of the meeting. But here is a transcript of what I saw, before I pulled the tether on Slinky's harness and reeled him to safety.
Lieberman: Well, I have to say, that I have to oppose this candidate because of his stance on foul shots in basketball. My sources tell me that he supports the current rule, which I find to be anti-Semitic. That is why I must vote against his confirmation.
Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!
Dean: Yeaaaaaaargh!
Minority Leader Reid: Chairman Dean, don't make me remove you from this meeting. This is a meeting for Senators, and we are only letting you sit in as a courtesy. Don't make me regret it. Mr. Kennedy, you were next?
Kennedy: Hic' yes. I must declare my opposition to, er... John Roberts because he is against the designated hitter rule. Which is obviously one of the, ah... rights guaranteed under the Constitution. And it means he is a racist.
Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!
Kerry: I have to oppose Roberts because of his support for the rule change removing the Red Line from Hockey. Can we have a judge who would so callously discard years of precedence just to keep his white hockey friend's edge over minority players?
Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!
Clinton: I must oppose Roberts because he is a Buffalo Bills fan. A team that has never had a black quarterback!
Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!
Dean: Yeaaaaaaaargh!
Reid: Chairman! I'm warning you!
Schumer: I too must oppose Roberts. In addition to everything else, he is a NASCAR supporter. A sport almost totally dominated by white men!
Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!
Dean: And he hates grapefruit! Only a racist hates grapefruit!
Reid: Guards! Please escort Mr. Dean out of the meeting.
Dean: Yeaaaaaaa......
Reid: I think that it is clear why we cannot support the President's choice for Supreme Court Justice. From what we can find, Mr. Roberts is obviously a racist. Any correct thinking person would have to come to this conclusion...
Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!
July 26, 2005
I'm Nearly The Anti-Hippy
Hat Tip: Harvey at Bad Example
In Case You Missed It
My Blogless Brother sent me this little link to use in case you missed the Shuttle Launch this morning.
Open Windows Media Player and then open url http://www.nasa.gov/55644main_NASATV_Windows.asx this is showing replays of the launch plus live audio.
I did hear that they may have had part of one of the shield tiles fall off. If they did, this is one of the things that NASA has been working on in the two years since the Columbia tragedy. I'm pretty confidant that they have the safety of the crew at the foremost in their minds.
That said, every astronaut knows the risks whenever they have a launch. And I'm sure they gladly accept them for the chance to get to space.
July 25, 2005
Just some Pointless Rambling
Tooooooo humid today. Oof.
The temps were down, only up to 90. But the humidity was unbearable.
Oh well, soon enough, we'll be complaining about how cold it is.
Just one good thing about winter though. You can always put more clothes on to get warmer. During the summer, there is always a point after which you can't take any more off... without getting arrested anyways.
There's something that I need to remember to get from the hardware store tomorrow, but I can't remember what it is.
Anybody got any ideas?
July 24, 2005
Cleanup time
Well, the party for my Grandmother went real well. Just about everyone who could show up did. The weather cleared up enough that everyone was able to enjoy sitting outside for the Cheveta's Chicken.
Unfortunately, no one but me and a 5-year old third or fourth cousin wanted to go swimming. Good thing I didn't buy all those pool toys I was looking at in the pool store...
July 23, 2005
Party! Party! Party!
Pool Party at my house tomorrow afternoon for my Grandmother's *mumble mumble*eth birthday.
Everyone is invited!
(I spent all day cleaning the pool and setting things up, so you better all appreciate it!)
So come to swim and behold the wonderful present I got for my wonderful Grandma. (A neat little solar powered lighthouse for her corner flower garden.)
July 22, 2005
Filthy Lie: The Brief Toppling of Instapundit
It was dark in the suburban garage. The candles burning around the edge of the circle only emphasized the darkness rather than dispell it. Inscribed into the circle was the traditional pentagram. It and the circle were drawn on the floor in fresh chicken blood.1
The two supplicants had worked on the pattern all night. And now, in the darkest hours before the dawn, they were ready.2 They began to chant. Klaatu Baraata Nikto.
The darkness in the room seemed to congeal in the center of the pentagram. They started chanting even faster. And louder. Klaatu Baraata Nikto. Klaatu Baraata Nikto! KLAATU BARAATA NIKTO!
"Ahem." The voice emanated from somewhere in the darkness at the center of the room. "That doesn't really work, you know. Besides it's just a line from a 50's Sci-Fi flick."
"But Dark One, it brought you here, didn't it?" one of the supplicants said.
"Actually, the evil desire in your heart did all the work. Everything else is just window dressing." The voice answered. "And don't call me the Dark One. I am Phil, the prince of Insufficient Light, ruler of Heck."3
The couple tried to make out what the speaker looked like, but the lighting was just not good enough. Finally, after squinting for several minutes, they gave up and asked their question. "Oh Phil, can you grant us supremacy at the top of the TTLB Ecosystem? Over even the giant Instapundit!"
"Hmmm. Tricky. And what do I get for this?" Phil asked.
"Our soles!" they answered.
"Let me draw up the contract, and we've got ourselves a deal!" Phil stated.
The next day, the pair sat in front of their computer, constantly hitting the refresh button or the TTLB Ecosystem page. As they watched, their ranking grew higher and higher, untill at last, it eclipsed that of Instapundit.
"HAPPY DANCE!" They shouted as they began to caper around.
Suddenly, the computer monitor blinked. When they looked at the rankings they saw their site's dropping like a stone. In moments, their ranking had fallen almost completely off the charts, all the way down to that of a Flippery Fish.
Then the monitor dimmed, and a voice echoed in the now insufficiently lit room. "BWA HA HA HA HA! I am now here for your souls!"
"But what happened?" they cried. "We were supposed to be at the top of the Ecosystem!"
"Ah," said Phil, "But you failed to read the fine print to see how long you would remain there. Besides, I have a prior agreement with Evil Glenn for the top spot. If he even finds out that I gave you 10 minutes over him, there'd be, well... heck to pay."
With that, his figure slowly coalesced out of the darkness. "Time to pay up."
The Prince of Insufficient Light glowered as he drifted away from the house with his payments clutched in a small cloth bag. Stupid! he mentally berated himself, Always read all of the fine print.
Back in the house the two bloggers looked at each other. "Well, that was a close one," the first said. "He nearly took our eternal souls."
"Yeah," his companion replied. "We sure got lucky... But my feet are really starting to hurt."
1 Which was kind of unnecessary, as any dark red fluid would have done just as well. In fact, the shape wasn't even that important. Many an intrusion of the nether-realms into our own world started with a leaky transmission.
2 Yes I know, this sort of thing is usually done at midnight, but with the advent of Daylight Savings Time, thing have gotten a little lax.
3 This character was borrowed from the Dilbert Universe. Mr. Adams didn't seem to be using him at the moment. On the off chance that Mr. Adams reads this... I am a worm. I am not worthy.
July 21, 2005
Book Review: War Pilot
I'm in the middle of reading War Pilot by Richard Kirkland. I picked up my copy in a discount book bin, but I would recommend it even at full publisher's prices.
It's a great read. It contains a series of short stories about Kirkland and others he met and knew in both WWII and Korea. Many are funny, and not a few are serious. But you get to see into the lives of men who were sometimes risking their lives in combat, and sometimes risking their lives flying missions of mercy into combat zones.
Kirkland was one of the worlds first helicopter pilots, and he has some wonderful insights into the birth of the medevac. (Personally, my favorite story so far was an entire helicopter rescue base, stuck miles from regular supply runs, firing their side-arms at an airplane that forgot to put a parachute on the crate of eggs it had just dropped on them.)
Normally, when I read a book I like, I don't say too much about it. I can't ever remember writing a review about one (at least not since my book report days back in high-school). But this is a really good book that I would recommend to anyone. Take it from a guy who reads almost incessantly, this one is worth your time.
July 20, 2005
PGHA: Terrorist Spotting.
Hello boys and girls. Due to increasing government control over the internet, and blogging in particular, many of the large traffic sites may soon be required to provide public service announcements. And even though that could never apply to There's One, Only!, I thought that I'd get in a little practice anyways.
Today's Public Service Announcement is brought to you by the fine people at Bob's Butchers, catering to the hunting community since last Friday. Our motto: You Kill 'Em, We Grill 'Em!
How To Spot A TerroristSpotting a terrorist can be very tricky. Sometimes what you think is a terrorist is a perfectly normal, and/or harmless person. Sometimes they're not. That is why we've put together this handy little guide to help you spot Islamic Terrorists.
If you see someone taking pictures of a National Monument, that's probably a tourist.
If you see someone taking pictures of a Nuclear Power Plant or Chemical Storage facility, that person could be a terrorist.
If you see someone walking towards you with a gun in each hand and wearing a funny, wide-brimmed hat, that's probably a Texan.
If you see someone walking towards you with a gun in each hand and their not wearing a funny wide-brimmed hat, that person could be a terrorist.
If someone ties you to a chair and threatens to tear your fingernails out until you say that Americans are Imperialist Pigs, that person is a terrorist.
If someone sits you down in a chair and gives your fingernails a nice buffing and trims your cuticles a little bit, that person is a manicurist.
If someone comes to your house and tries to kill you in the name of Allah, that person could be a terrorist.
If someone comes to your house and tries to take your money in the name of Washington, D.C., that person is probably a tax collector. Not much of an improvement, really.
If someone wants to take the head of a dead animal and mounts it on a plaque, that person is a taxidermist.
If someone wants to kill you because you just had bacon with your breakfast, that person could be a terrorist ...or from PETA.
If someone comes up to you and tells you that alcohol is evil and bad for you, and that you shouldn't drink it for those reasons, that person is a teetotaler.
If someone comes up to you and tells you that alcohol is evil and bad and that they are going to kill you because you just drank a beer, that person is a terrorist.
If a person walks up to you with a large bomb strapped to their chest, and the detonator in their hand, that person is a terrorist.
If someone walks up to you with a funny, five-stringed instrument with a big circle at one end and the skinny end in hid hand, that person is a banjo player. Shoot on sight!
I hope that this public service announcement has been of some small help to those of you out there who are having trouble spotting terrorists.
July 19, 2005
Let's not use a dignified picture...
Just surfing around checking out reactions to President Bush's Nomination of John Roberts, and I came across this little photo at Yahoo!
Interesting that this is what they consider using as their stock photo of the President being "tight lipped" about his upcoming nominee.
Yeah, no bias there.
Filthy Lie: Web Cam Pr0n
I didn't want to sully my blog with this kind of filth, but it has come to my attention that Evil Glenn is now dabbling in internet pr0n!
He just set up a webcam of a bunch of chicks sitting around on a beach. NAKED!
I warn you. Nothing is held back on this site. If you are above the legal age of consent, then you can go to...
Evil Glenn's Chicks Gone Wild!
This disgusting behavior must be stopped!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Hey!
Ann Coulter must read my site! She used my Mission: Implausible! concept for the title of one of her columns.
Or maybe it's just a coincidence...
July 18, 2005
How to prevent a shark attack.
I just turned on Discovery Channel, and they're doing "Shark Week." The current show is SHARKBITE! SURVIVING THE GREAT WHITE.
The voice-over guy just made the comment, "The best way to prevent an attack is to know about shark behavior." Or something like that.
He's wrong. The best way to avoid a shark attack is to live in North Dakota. Prove me wrong.
How was your weekend?
Mine was ...long. A lot of driving was involved. Also a wedding and a reception. A lot of rain too...
Go to the Extended Entry to check out my Weekend Travelogue.
First, on Friday after work, I drove down to my brother's house in Ohio.
Leg 1: About 260 miles (4.5 hours)
I was supposed to have internet access here, but his lan-cable was accidentally cut on Thursday. He forgot to tell me this before I drove down, so I was unable to post my Filthy Lie on time. *grumble, grumble*
Saturday morning, my brother and I got ready and left to meet up with my Grandparents and Aunt; who drove across Canada (the short way) to where my cousin who was getting married lived.
Leg 2: About 190 miles (3.5 hours)
Of course they weren't at the Motel 6 when we got there. (And no one had their cell phones on...) But they did show up shortly after we started calling around, so we were able to freshen up a little before the wedding. I had hoped that there would be some internet access there as well, but no luck.
From there, we drove up to the church where the wedding was being held. Somewhere along this stretch, we used my brother's Bluetooth to post my Filthy Lie, only half a day late.
Leg 3: About 30 miles (half an hour)
Then there was the wedding! Congratulations Mike and Diana!!!!!
It was a very nice service. My cousin Diana got all choked up during her vows. Her dad (my uncle) did the same thing at the reception when he gave the married couple a toast/blessing.
After the reception (which was just around the corner from the church, so no new travel leg) I drove my brother home.
Leg 4: About 220 miles (4 hours)
Just before we got to his house (about a mile away) this happened:
60,000 miles! YAY!
Kind of something to celebrate since it was having my Jeep hit 50,000 miles that inspired me to start this blog.
The next morning, Sunday, I drove home.
Leg 5: About 260 miles (4.5 hours ...or so)
And then I was home!
I still had to work a half shift to close the store Sunday night though...
July 17, 2005
July 16, 2005
Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's New Book
Evil Glenn's New Book
Recently, rumors have hit the literary world that Glenn Reynolds was releasing a new book. Naturally, since he is ostensibly a law professor, the great legal minds were all lined up to see what he had produced.
Boy were they in for a shock.
All I've been able to obtain is the title and table of contents page from this new book. But let me assure you, it is no legal tome.
1001 Recipes for Puppy Smoothies
- by Evil Glenn
Chapter 1 --------------------------- The Blend Setting
Chapter 2 ----------------------------- The Mix Setting
Chapter 3 ---------------------------- The Whip Setting
Chapter 4 --------------------------- The Puree Setting
Chapter 5 -------------------------- The Frappe Setting
Chapter 6 ------------------------- The Liquify Setting
Chapter 7 ------------------------- The Fission Setting
His publisher has also hinted that Evil Glenn will be releasing several companion books to compliment this cookbook. Possible books will probably include The 2006 Blender Buying Guide, and A Connoisseur's Guide to Kennels of the North East.
July 14, 2005
Oops
My grandmother had a doctors appointment earlier today. Unfortunately, she missed it. The time on the appointment card was written out ten thirty, but she thought it was two thirty.
Not too surprising really, that she misread it.
It was an appointment with her eye doctor.
Terror in a 6 by 6 room.
There's a mosquito in the Men's room at work. No matter how much you look when you first enter the room, you can never find it.
But just as soon as you start your business, and are standing there with one hand holding up your pants, and the other hand... aiming - that's when it appears. First it flies towards your face, and you quickly use a puff of air to shoo it away. Then it flies around behind you.
Now you can't see where it is. If it comes close enough to your head, you can hear it. But that's almost worse than just not being able to see it.
All of a sudden, you see it. Now it's hovering right above your waist. You were happier when it was behind you. Much happier.
You try to swat it away with the hand holding up your pants, but all that does is give the mosquito more of a target.
Finally you finish and quickly zip up. Of course now that you have both hands free again, the bug is nowhere to be found. But as you wash your hands, you realize that the ordeal is over for now... at least untill that liter of Pepsi you drank catches up with you.
July 13, 2005
PGHA: British Retaliation
Everybody's been wondering what the British reaction to the terrorist bombings in London will be.
Well, my sources tell me that the British government is planning on getting their own desolate, deserted island to keep any terrorist plotters they capture.
On an totally unrelated note, they've also shown some interest in renewing some of their weapons testing...
MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
July 12, 2005
Blech, part.... whatever.
Don't have anything good to blog about today.
So maybe I can recycle some old Banjokes.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a banjo players car?
Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.
What did the banjo player get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How can you tell if a stage is level?
There's drool coming out of both sides of the banjo player's mouth.
July 11, 2005
Favorite scene.
I was reading somewhere about the 100 best lines in the movies, I think it was over there at Curmudgeonly and Skeptical... yep. But that's not what I wanted to talk about.
For some reason, that post got me thinking about my favorite scenes in the movies. After a while, I finally figured out my very favorite moment of a movie... for now anyways.
Now the Ghostbusters movies, one and two, were both great movies. And on the whole, I would say that the first was the better.
But remember in the second one when the Ghostbusters had to rally the city of New York behind them? They used some of the "good" slime they had and animated the Statue of Liberty. Well, right after they sprayed the goo all over, and started the music (Jackie Wilson's Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) there is a moment when you're waiting for it to work... and then, the torch on the Statue of Liberty ignites into a massive ball of flame!
Sure, it's not the greatest movie in the world, but that has to be my favorite scene.
Which kind of got me thinking... how could we get the torch to do that in real life? And wouldn't that look cool!
(Hey, I've got a thing for explosions... but in a good way. ie. no collateral damage.)
AHA!
After briefly browsing the top news stories of the day, I have come to the conclusion that the terrorists have some sort of mind control device that they are using to keep their apologists, well, apologizing for them. You know the people that I'm talking about, the ones who keep saying that it's the victim's fault that they were killed in the terrorist attack/shooting/bombing.
And that mind control device is Money! Money and the promise of power.
OK, the two mind control devices that the terrorists use on their supporters are money and the promise of power and a shared, almost fanatical hatred of George W. Bush...
Three! The three mind control devices that are controlling the terrorist's supporters are money, the promise of power, an almost fanatical hatred of George W. Bush, and the quest for media attention at all costs...
All right! All right! Amongst the many things that control the supporters of terrorists are money, the promises of power, and almost fanatical hatred of George W. Bush, and the desire for free publicity... and many other things that are too numerous to mention here.
These are the things that have been causing people to make statements, both on the political stage and in the media, that appear to be supportive of the terrorists and their activities.
As near as I could tell, anyways.
(And now Mr. Biggles, the comfy chair!)
July 10, 2005
The Answer!
I've recently discovered a book that has the meaning of life in it! It's amazing. It contains the meanings of life, the universe... everything.
The most incredible thing is that I've had this book for years, and I never read the whole thing. What was I thinking? And now, it's even available on-line.
Oh, the name of the book, you ask? It's in the extended entry.
July 09, 2005
Oh yeah...
I almost forgot. The roundup for the Filthy Lies about Frank J. is up over at The Alliance HQ.
Happy Birthday IMAO!
One of the blogs that I read a lot of right before I started my own was, and still is, IMAO. And today is IMAO's third birthday.
And what do you give a blog for it's birthday? Links!!!!!!
July 08, 2005
Filthy Lie: Frank J.
Hmm. What to drink? I was standing in the beverage aisle of my local supermarket, looking for something to quench my thirst. I didn't have a real preference for anything, so I let myself be persuaded by the "You could win $$$$$" display next to one of the brands of soda. I grabbed a couple of bottles and headed to the checkout.
I knew better than to drink in the checkout line, but as soon as I walked out the door into the parking-lot, I twisted one of the tops off.
Sorry, Try Again!
Yep, I was still a looser. But it wasn't a total loss. At least I had something to drink. Too bad it tasted like sewage.
A few hours later, I had forgotten how bad the first bottle had tasted, and pulled the other out of the fridge. This time when I looked at the bottle cap, my luck was a bit different...
Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out one of Frank J.'s darkest secrets. Barring that, just make something up. If you are captured, or discovered, I will of course disavow all knowledge of your activities. Frank J. is a good friend after all, so there is no way that I could be seen condoning this kind of thing. (But make sure you get something really juicy!)- H
This message will self destruct in 10 seconds...
Wow, that's some small writing! I thought as I threw the cap into a small blast-proof box that I kept for just such occasions.
*Boomp*
As I watched the smoke drift out of the box and sipped the medical-waste tasting beverage that had been advertised as "light and refreshing", I knew it was once again time for another...
MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)
I figured my best bet was to get some embarrassing pictures of Frank J. or something like that. So I grabbed my digital camera, and strapped on my portable Way-Back Machinetm. I might as well start at the beginning. More chances for embarrassing photos. I thought, as I set the targeting computer to "Frank J.'s Birth". I punched the "GO" button, and the room around me spun away.
Moments later (or years earlier, depending on your frame of reference) I found myself in a dirty hospital... actually, it was a dungeon! There was a bunch of medical equipment, and figure covered by a sheet on an operating table, but the stone walls and floor, as well as the manacles hanging from the ceiling, practically screamed dungeon.
And it looked a little familiar.
Then it hit me! It was Evil Glenn's dungeon. The manacles weren't quite as rusty as the last time I was there. And there wasn't as much clotted blood around the drains as I remembered. But it was definitely the same dank chamber that I remembered. Just a little newer.
I heard footsteps coming down the steps, so I quickly hid in one of the many convenient dark alcoves. (Hey, dungeon architecture does have it's advantages.) Moments later, Evil Glenn entered the room. He didn't look much younger than usual, but I figured that was just a result of his being an undead, blood sucking... lawyer.
He pulled the sheet off the figure on the table, but was standing in just the wrong spot so that I couldn't see who it was. I heard him muttering to himself as he worked at the table. "Hmmmm.. Heh... Indeed!"
Suddenly, he stood back and shouted. "I've done it! You are my greatest creation! Together we will rule the Blogosphere!"
With that, the figure on the table sat up. It was Frank J.! I couldn't believe my eyes. Frank J. was an android built by Evil Glenn to help him control the Blogosphere!
Evil Glenn turned Frank J. around and flipped open a panel on the back of Frank's head. In typical Evil Scientist fashion, he narrated himself as he worked. "Now, all I have to do is set your loyalty level so that you will be my slave forever!" Using a long screwdriver, he was making some sort of adjustment.
I knew that I had to have proof of what I was seeing, so while Evil Glenn was making his adjustments, I snapped a picture. Unfortunately, I forgot to turn off the flash.
The camera flash must have startled Evil Glenn, because something went wrong with his adjustments. A spark, brighter than the flash from my camera, leapt from the inside of Frank J.'s head, and nearly melted the screwdriver in Evil Glenn's hand!
This must have done some damage to whatever Evil Glenn was working on since Frank J. immediately pushed him away and shouted, "I'll never work for you, you foul monster! In fact I will dedicate my life to defeating your control of the Blogosphere!"
Then, as he ran out of the dungeon, he proclaimed, "Now, I'm off to find a T-shirt babe!"
Evil Glenn then turned to me with murder in his eyes. "I'll get you for this, whoever you are!"
I spun the dial on my portable Way-Back Machinetm back to the present and returned to now. Back in my own home, I checked the travel log on the Way-Back. I had only gone back and forth a little over 3 years!
But I had the proof that Frank J. is just an android who has turned on his creator! It's this picture right here:
Whoops! That's a picture from Harvey's last Comment Party. I don't know how that got in there.
I'm sure I can find the picture I want.... It's got to be here somewhere!
Rat's! I can't find it. You'll just have to believe what I said is true. Of course it is. It's not like this is all just a Filthy Lie.
July 07, 2005
London.
I've been away from my computer all day, so I haven't been able to comment on the tragedy in London earlier today.
These attacks were both vicious and cowardly, and the perpetrators deserve to be hunted to the ends of the earth.
All of our prayers are with the people who were injured, and the families of those slain.
I just wish I could say more...
July 06, 2005
PGHA: Exit Strategies
In keeping with true muckadoo traditions, the lefties are parroting their favorite phrase over and over. "EXIT STRATEGY". All they seem to be able to talk about is how Bush needs an 'Exit Strategy for Iraq." They've even got some of the terrorists themselves talking about it.
Well, I would just like to return the favor.
Mr. Kennedy, remember to always have an Exit Strategy whenever you go out driving. Especially over water.
Ms. Pelosi, did you have an Exit Strategy set up when you started your face-lifts?
Mr. Kerry, I'm sure you don't need to be reminded to have an Exit Strategy whenever you get married.
Maybe you could give Hillary some advice on an Exit Strategy for her marriage.
I know Bill has never had a problem with the Exit Strategy for his pants.
And to How-weird Dean, make sure you have an Exit Strategy when you start screaming. You never know where one of your outbursts can take you.
I'm sure Bin Laden would have liked to have had an Exit Strategy for getting out of his cave.
Apparently, Mr. Chiraq had an Exit Strategy for the negotiations to host the 2012 Olympics. Too bad it was the wrong one.
And just a note to all of the terrorists out there. Next time, make sure you have an Exit Strategy planned before you tick off the most powerful nation the world has ever seen. (One involving leaving the surface of the Earth in one form or another would be good.)
July 05, 2005
Oh, my!
If you want to see the winner of this year's Ugliest Dog contest, click here. But be warned! This dog definitely earned it's title...
(Hat tip John Hawkin's Conservative Grapevine.)
July 04, 2005
Happy Independence Day!
I was thinking earlier about some of the things that make the United States' Independence so special. I'm not an historical expert, although I would truely like to be. But these are my observations on the subject.
To put it as succinctly as I can, our Independence should never have happened. The U.S. shouldn't exist as it is today.
First of all, the American Revolution shouldn't have succeeded. Even granting that we were a community of gun owners, where a significant percentage of the population was familiar with and competent to use them. That still should not have been sufficient to defeat the world's super-power of the time.
I know that some people point to the fact that America was across an ocean from England, who grew tired of fighting an overseas war. But that didn't stop them when in India and China, their populations revolted in later years. I may be missing some comparisons, but simply being across an ocean wasn't the limiting factor of England's strength.
During the American Revolution, the Colonial Army was out matched at nearly every turn. General Washington lost nearly every battle, but somehow managed to keep his army intact. He managed to win the right battles, especially the last one. But militarily, it just seems that it shouldn't have happened.
But it was after the war had been won that the real miracle happened.
Let's step back a little bit for a moment. In my school, the American Revolution was covered along with the rest of America history. One semester was spent covering everything from the founding of Jamestown to the Civil War. We learned the names of the founding fathers, an approximate time line of events, and just a little more about the creation of our nation. The writing of the Constitution was covered in a couple of days.
The French Revolution, however, received an entire semester to itself. It took me a long time to understand why. The reason is pretty simple, the French Revolution is typical of almost all revolutions. When it was all over, you ended up with the same old power structure, just different guys at the top. So if you wanted to understand the average revolution, you studied France.
But in America, something different happened. The group of people who ran the revolution, set up a system that wasn't exclusively for the purpose of keeping themselves in control. Sure, there were some power struggles between groups, but no one had the desire or ability to set themselves up as dictators. The closest that anyone came to that was the serious offer to George Washington to set him up as a lifetime leader, practically a new king. Fortunately, he turned down the offer.
From all of that, we were given a government that was based on the idea that power was derived from the people and that government should be for the people. But most importantly, the document that they created that government with was founded on the idea that people's rights were inherent, and that government should be limited in how it affects them.
Before then, all rights were granted by a government to it's citizens. But for the first time, the reverse was true. People were granting the government the right to do certain things, and no more. The amazing thing was that the founding father's shouldn't have wanted to do that. They were limiting the very government that they were running! To paraphrase a line from the book, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy this should have been impossible.
But we got lucky. The usual things didn't happen. We didn't end up the way almost every nation that underwent a revolution did. We actually got a better government than when it all started.
So here's to the birthday of The United States of America! A special place that should have been impossible.
July 03, 2005
Yay!
The Deep Impact live coverage just started on NASA TV!!!!!
Since I don't have the ability to look through the Earth, this is how I have to observe the whole thing. I'm just glad DirecTV carries NASA TV.
I may add some comments as this goes on. But I've never live blogged before...
UPDATE:
Boom! They hit it!
Nice shooting, guys.
Now we just have to wait for the really Hi-Res pictures to be released.
Torpedos Away!
Well, not exactly. But the impactor from the Deep Impact spacecraft was successfully released earlier today. So everything is right on target for tonight's cometary meeting.
The impact should take place at about 1:52AM July 4 (EDT). Unfortunately, it won't be visable from the East coast.
But don't despair! NASA TV will be covering the whole thing live starting at around 11:30! If you don't have NASA TV on your cable or dish (you probably do, but you might have to look for it) you can also see it at wwiTV.com. There is usually a button on the right sidebar that will take you directly to NASA TV. (You may need to upgrade your RealPlayer to get it to run properly.)
If you want more information about this whole event check out Space.com. This article was really good at explaining everything that they're trying to do.
Enjoy the fireworks everyone!
July 02, 2005
Fireworks
Here's a little something I found last year around The Fourth.
Have fun making your own fireworks!
July 01, 2005
Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Fourth of July
I jumped out of the lawn chair I had been sitting in as soon as I saw the truck turn the corner onto my street. He was late. I had been sitting there for almost three hours, and the UPS delivery was usually there by 10. I checked my watch. It was almost 10:15!
I tried to walk nonchalantly out to the big brown delivery vehicle, but I think my enthusiasm might have been showing just a little. It was probably the Dukes of Hazzard slide across the hood of my Grandfather's Caddy that gave me away. The delivery guy grinned at me while I signed his little computer and said, "Hmm, excited to get this?"
Of course I was. I'd been checking the tracking on the shipment every two hours since I ordered it the week before from an online store out of Wisconsin, and every hour since it had been shipped the day before. I was as giddy as a small child on Christmas morning!
"Not really," I lied. Then I snatched the package out of his hands and ran back to my house. I think I giggled a little bit, but I'm sure he couldn't hear me.
It was murder waiting for darkness. But eventually ...finally, night fell. And at last, I was able to set it up. The SUPERNOVA 5000. This baby was guaranteed to blind everyone looking at it in a five mile radius! For at least 3 hours! The fireball from one of these was once seen by astronauts in the International Space Station.
I could hardly wait.
First, I set up the launch pad in the back yard with the rocket/firework/bomb all prepped up and ready to go. Then I put on a heat reflective suit, asbestos gloves, and a welding helmet as I got ready to light it off.
Then I fell in the pool.
Well, at least this should make me a little less flammable, I thought after I had climbed out of the pool. Unfortunately the welding helmet had sunk to the bottom of the deep end, and was for the moment irretrievable. I figured that I would just have to make do without it.
Finally, the moment I had been waiting for arrived. I lit the fuse and dove behind a table I had sitting on edge across the yard from the pad. I covered my head and waited for the sound of the rocket launching.
*FSSSSssssssss.....*
What? I couldn't believe it, the firework was a dud! Then it made a little *POP* sound and a single sheet of paper fluttered out of the top.
With a morbid sense of doom, I picked it up and read:
Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what Evil Glenn will be doing for the Fourth of July this year. If you are discovered or captured, don't worry. I've heard that Glenn has been mellowing a little bit lately. You'll probably even survive.This message will self destruct in 10 seconds..."
I angrily crumpled up the paper and threw it away. What a rip-off! I knew I shouldn't have ordered something from a site called Bad Explosions.com, I thought to myself. And now I have to go on a...
*KAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!*
-Three hours later, when my vision returned, I realized that it was once again, time for another...
MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)
Since by now, it was well after midnight, I decided that a stealth mission was called for. I donned all black clothing to be able to merge with the shadows,(very slimming too) and headed for Evil Glenn's lair.
In accordance with the way my life had generally been going, I was captured almost the moment my foot touched his property. Within minutes, I was dragged by his lackeys into what looked like a large kennel. Evil Glenn was there. His gloating started immediately.
"Ah, my young apprentice. I see you have finally come over to the Dark Side." he said in a sinister voice.
"NEVER!" I rebuffed him. "Besides, you know I can't afford the union dues."
"Ah yes. I've noticed that recruiting has been down a bit since I allowed them to unionize. Perhaps I should re-think that policy..." He drifted off into his thoughts for a moment, and then with a smirk asked me, "But if you aren't coming here to join me, why the black clothing? Other than it being very slimming."
"Ninja suit." I replied, a little testily. "It was supposed to make it harder for you to catch me."
"You'd have been better off wearing dark grey then. Black actually stands out more at night than a nice dark grey." For a moment, I was afraid that he was going to launch into a lecture. But then he returned to questioning me. "Then why are you here, my young friend?"
"Harvey sent me." Now I was a little sullen at having made such a stupid mistake about my clothes. "I'm supposed to find out what you were going to be doing for the Fourth of July this year.
"And I'm not your 'young friend' you filthy monster." I added.
"Lawyer."
"Whatever."
He paused to think again, and for a moment I wasn't sure what he was going to do. Then he smiled. Now I was worried.
"Actually, I don't mind telling you at all since I don't think that there is anything you can do about it. Unfortunately, my original plans were disrupted, so I have had to fall back to plan B."
"What's that?" I asked, immediately regretting it.
"Observe." he commanded. He reached into a cage along one side of the kennel and pulled a small dog out by it's scruff. "We have here a common mutt that has been force fed a special diet for the last 24 hours."
I didn't like the way this was going, but I asked, "What 'special diet'?"
"Oh, a little mixture I worked up on my own. It has everything a puppy needs: charcoal, sulfur, salt-peter..."
The realization suddenly hit me. "But that's-"
"Hush!" he said, cutting me off. "Watch!" He pulled a Zippo out of his pocket. Then, with a deft flick of his wrist, he lit it and held the flame to the tail of the dog in his other hand.
He dropped the dog to the ground as soon as the tail started burning, showering sparks everywhere. It ran back and forth across the lawn, until it's yelping was cut short by a small explosion.
I was nauseated. There was bits of puppy all over the lawn. "That's horrible!" All I could think about was that poor little dog. "What a waste..." I said thinking about how it's life had been cut so tragically short.
"Oh, nothing is wasted," said Evil Glenn. "I have drains placed all over the lawn to funnel everything down to the processing vats. I assure you that I am not giving up my smoothies just for the sake of some fireworks. Actually," he added, "this gives them a certain zing that makes for a nice change of pace."
He clapped his hands together with satisfaction. "Now let's get some of the bigger dogs out and really have a fireworks display!"
"NO! I can't take any more of that." I cried.
"Very well. Insta-henchmen, take him and throw him off the property."
"You're letting me go?" I was stunned. I had expected torture. In fact looked forward to it if it meant not having to watch dogs explode. But this was much better.
"Why not? You're an American, and this is our Nation's birthday. Consider it a one-time gift."
As his Insta-henchmen started to drag me away, I remembered something he had said earlier. "You said that this was plan B." I said. "What was plan A?"
"Oh that? I was planning to take over the International Space Station and then I was going to crash it into the Statue of Liberty during the Fourth of July celebrations. But just before my team of agents got to the station, there was a bright flash from somewhere near Buffalo that blinded them..."
"Um. Gotta Go!" I said as I wrenched myself from his lackey's grasp and ran off into the night.
I may not have been able to stop his puppy-fireworks, but at least, indadvertantly at least, I stopped his planned destruction of the ISS!