July 31, 2004

Global Waming Solved

Washington, DC. – Scientists this week have discovered the actual cause of the theory of “Global Warming.” In a shocking scientific breakthrough, key environmental and physiological researchers have put forth a compilation of data, which proves that “Global Warming” is actually all a matter of perspective.

Or more specifically, it is a matter of perspective of roughly half the population. Lars Nordquest, leading researcher, explains. “Of the over 78 million baby boomers, roughly half of them are women. Giving us approximately 39 million women going through, or close to going through menopause. To put it in a nutshell, all of those women are always complaining that they are too hot. And then when actual temperature measurements are made near them, the hot flashes often disrupt the very delicate thermometers. But mostly, it’s all in their heads.”

When questioned as to whether this was merely a chauvinistic approach to a world problem, he replied. “Not really. Just because someone is thinks that it’s hotter or colder than it used to be when they were kids doesn’t mean that it really is. And women are just more likely to complain about that kind of thing.”

“Hey, if women want to blame the fact that they can’t sleep comfortably on climate change, fine. Just don’t go waking me up.”

On a related note, futures speculation on hormone replacement pharmaceutical companies has risen from an opening bid of $21 a share to over $78.

Posted by GEBIV at 10:44 PM | Comments (1)

July 30, 2004

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn Sidekick

The assignment came to me as a whisper in the Men’s room at Burger King. I was washing my hands after getting Bar-B-Que sauce all over my fingers. (I highly recommend one of their new Angus Burgers. Preferably with bacon and cheese. Oooh, just listen to those arteries clogging. But I digress…)

“Agent GEBIV, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find out who Evil Glenn’s Sidekick will be. If you are discovered, we will of course disavow all knowledge of your actions. And, unlike the Democrats, you will be prosecuted for any laws you are caught breaking. Good luck, and may the Force be with you.”

Just great, I thought. I haven’t had Harvey bugging me with an assignment for weeks, and all of a sudden he’s back. And now he’s got some sort of Star Wars fetish.

“Oh, and of course this message will self-destruct in 5 seconds…”

I looked around the small room, but couldn’t tell where the message had come from. I quickly backed out of the room and had just shut the door when I heard the explosion. I decided to risk a look and stuck my head back inside.

Looking at the destruction, I figured that the message had been hidden in the soap dispenser. Ironically, when it exploded, the flying soap had cleaned the walls where the shrapnel hadn’t perforated them.

As I snuck out the back door to avoid the manager, I realized that it was time for one more…

(Cue Theme Music)

I figured that I was going to need help on this one, but my blogless brother was still missing. (Shortly after moving to Ohio, he purchased a season pass for Cedar Point. And he hasn’t been heard from since.) Then, an idea struck me. I knew who I could call to get me some information on Evil Glenn. Deep Pants.

About 6 hours later, I was at the designated meeting place. The only hard part of the mission so far was getting the money for the payoff. (Fortunately, Harvey keeps his “Graffiti Currency” in the bank where he works. Breaking into a bank vault may be difficult, but it was a lot safer than breaking into the home of a Conservative Blogger. Plus, Harvey has all those whips…)

Finally, after I had waited impatiently for several minutes, Sandy Berger, AKA “Deep Pants” emerged from the shadows. “You got the money?” He asked.

Silently, I held up the wad of soft bills. It was all I could do to not gag at the sight of this Liberal flunky. But I knew that if anyone would have information on a known subversive like Evil Glenn, it was the FBI. And if anyone would have copies of those files it would be the DNC. And if anyone could get a copy of those files out of DNC headquarters, it was Deep Pants.

He smiled perversely at the sight of the money and, fortunately for me, reached into his socks and pulled out a small folder. (I don’t know what I’d have done if he had kept it in his pants.) The exchange was made and we each had what we came for. I put the folder in my briefcase and climbed into my Jeep while Berger stuffed the money down his trousers. He was fading back into the shadows as I burned rubber getting out of the parking ramp. I’d had enough contact with Liberalness to last me quite a while.

When I got home, I opened the files and found that it was worse than we had suspected.

Top Secret Re: Glenn Reynolds, AKA Evil Glenn Possibility of Sidekick Recruitment

It has come to the Bureau’s notice that Glenn Reynolds has been actively recruiting for the position of Evil Sidekick. Several agents were lost retrieving this information. (We believe that the Bureau’s tradition of disguising its Agents as homeless people may need to be reconsidered.) The information discovered was worse than feared. Evil Glenn has not only recruited a sidekick, he has also recruited two sub-henchmen.

Unfortunately, at this time, very little information is available on said subjects. Further investigation is required, but it is believed that the subjects came from somewhere South of the United States. We are recommending an Inter-Agency investigation with the CIA on investigating the foreign origins of Evil Glenn’s new assistants.

Attached are photos of the subjects.

Evil Glenn Sidekick: “The Penguinette”
miss congeniality.jpg

Ht: 5’ 4”
Age: 18
Sex: F (we think)
Super Powers: Ability to induce revulsion and nausea by threatening to do “Striptease of Death.”

Evil Glenn Henchmen: “Lawsuit 1” and “Lawsuit 2”
runner up.jpg
Ht: 3’1” / 3’ Ages: 16mo Sex: ? / ? Super Powers: Ability to sneak up using cuteness to get close enough to serve a subpoena.

I just sat there stunned as I read the files. The world as we knew it was coming to an end. How would we ever be able to stop these new forces of evil?

Posted by GEBIV at 07:58 PM | Comments (3)

July 29, 2004

Found another one...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German
accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore.
Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages
around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then
he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

(The joke was already printed with the name Harvey in it. Nothing is implied in any way...) :-)

Posted by GEBIV at 10:32 PM | Comments (1)

On oldie but a groaner!

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle
of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but unfortunately it
jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to
the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to
his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw
the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her
car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit,
and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned
around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and
hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you
spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Posted by GEBIV at 12:27 PM | Comments (3)

July 28, 2004

PGH: Why Kerry is out of touch

My top ten list of signs that Kerry is out of touch with America:

10) He thinks the Internet is something you use to catch interns with.

9) He eats a hotdog with a knife and fork.

8) He thinks that a corn-dog is something you hunt corn with.

7) He thinks football is played with a round, black and white ball (soccer).

6) He thinks that Soccer is what he’d like to do to Teresa if it weren’t for the pre-nup.

5) He thinks that English should be the second language of Americans. With French being the language of the culturally superior upper crust.

4) He thinks that the 7th inning stretch is a fancy limo that baseball players drive.

3) He thinks he can throw a baseball.

2) He actually likes escargot.

And the Number One reason why John Kerry is out of touch with America:

He really thinks that more than 50% of the population will vote for him.

Posted by GEBIV at 04:56 PM | Comments (5)

Just to prove that I'm easily amused...

Something I found in a Joke Newsgroup

Three Friars

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise the necessary
funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
They ignored him.

He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of
business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired
Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close their shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that.....

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars

Posted by GEBIV at 12:12 AM | Comments (2)

July 27, 2004

Stirring up a Hornet's Nest

Wow. Here's an awesome use of analogy to help people understand the war on terror. I love how the whole analogy works alll of the way through to the end.

(Just to give credit where credit is due, I found this through Harvey's site)

Posted by GEBIV at 12:22 AM | Comments (1)

July 26, 2004

We interupt your regularly scheduled blog...

Announcer: The following is a recording of one of our OnStar(bucks) operators and a client…

Christine: Hello?

Operator: This is OnStar(bucks), and our remote sensors have indicated a coffee spill in your vehicle.

Christine: What? I haven’t spilled… Oh no! My coffee is all over the floor.

Operator: That’s what our computers showed us ma’am. But don’t worry, we’ve already pre-ordered a replacement cup for you at the nearest Starbucks.

Christine: But the coffee is also all over my report! I just spent three weeks working on that and it’s due in an hour! And how am I going to get the stains out of the carpet.

Operator: I’m afraid we can’t help with…

Christine: That report’s for a big customer. If I don’t have that ready I’ll probably loose the account and my job!

Operator: Ma’am, I can’t do anything about that. But I’m sure once you’ve had some coffee, you’ll feel a whole lot better.

Christine: Well… I guess you’re right. Where’s the closest Starbucks?

Operator: Let’s see. Go straight for two more lights…

Announcer: An OnStar(bucks) vehicle’s advanced sensors not only detect a coffee spill before you do, they also automatically call the OnStar(bucks) control desk where a friendly operator will immediately direct you to the nearest Starbucks where your favorite coffee order will be waiting.

OnStar(bucks). We can’t help you clean up the mess, but everything looks better once you’ve had some more coffee.

OnStar(bucks) sensors may interfere with car radios, computerized vehicle controls and some pacemakers.

Posted by GEBIV at 12:26 PM | Comments (4)

July 25, 2004

Belated Birthdays

Just a little belated birthday information.

Happy Birthday wishes to my Grandmother. Without her, I wouldn't have my father. And you know what kind of impact that would have on my own existance.

Happy Birthday wishes to Emily, fellow MontyPython fan and good friend. Without her, I wouldn't have a handy English person to pick on once in a while. (By the way, anyone know how you wrap a coconut?)

And since I'm doing announcements. Congratulations to Christine. Who, although she graduated from college in May, finally had her graduation party today. (Right now actually, but I won't get there untill after 6. One of the few perks to working for a family business is the ability to blog when you've got everything done at work.)

Posted by GEBIV at 04:25 PM | Comments (1)

July 23, 2004

Another word from our sponsors

Announcer: The following is a recording of one of our OnStar(bucks) operators with a client…

Operator: OnStar(bucks). How may I help you?

Emily: My name is Emily, and I’m an OnStar(bucks) subscriber.

Operator: What can I do for you?

Emily: Well, this is probably going to sound silly…

Operator: Go on.

Emily: Well, I was out running some errands, and when I came out of the store…

Operator: Yes?

Emily: I… I realized that I locked my keys in the car.

Operator: Oh, I’m sorry, but we really aren’t set up…

Emily: No. You don’t understand. It’s worse than that. I locked my coffee in the car too!

Operator: I see… I’ve just dispatched one of our emergency coffee supply vehicles. It should get to you in just a few minutes.

Emily: Thank you so much! I wasn’t sure if I would be able to last until Triple A got here.

Operator: You can relax now. You’ll be sipping coffee in no time…

Announcer: While OnStar(bucks) may not be able to unlock your car in the case of an emergency, we can get you something to drink while you wait for the people who do that sort of thing.

OnStar(bucks). Now available in Regular and Decaf.

Posted by GEBIV at 10:56 PM | Comments (3)

July 22, 2004

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Law

The rumors were flying around the blogsphere. Evil Glenn had been seen in Washington, D.C. lobbying for a new law. The cry went out. Find out what law Evil Glenn was trying to get pushed through Congress.

I immediately went to my usual sources. But Great Wok - Chinese Restaurant was out of fortune cookies and I decided that I really wasn’t in the mood to play “Twenty Questions” with my Magic 8-Ball.(1)

It looked like I was going to have to find a Washington insider(2). I quickly searched through the yellow pages for a phone number. But no luck. You’d think that they were trying to keep themselves secret or something. In desperation, I put up an ad in several usenet newsgroups.

Wanted: Washington Resident

Blogger Totally apolitical investigator seeking anyone
with knowledge of Evil Glenn Glenn Reynolds’ activities
in and around the Capitol Building during the last several weeks.

Large Small Possible Reward!

Just a few hours after I had posted the ad, I received a phone call. Unfortunately, it was just someone trying to get me to change long distance carriers. Finally, after a considerable wait, I got the call I was hoping for. A digitally modified voice identified itself as “Deep Pants.” Then the voice on the phone set up a meeting place and demanded a reward of $500 in well laundered bills(3).

At the set time, I arrived at the meeting place. An underground parking ramp in the middle of the night(4). A figure in a rumpled business suit stepped out of the shadows and walked into the light.

“You bring the money?” the figure asked.

I nodded and he motioned for me to hand it to him. As I handed the money over, I had a nagging feeling that I recognized him. I wasn’t absolutely sure in the poor lighting, but I had the feeling that I had seen him somewhere. Possibly on television.

The stranger counted the money twice, and then crumpled the bills between his fingers. Then, after apparently determining they were soft enough, he stuffed the money down his pants.

Suddenly I remembered where I had seen him, and who he was. “Sandy Berger! You're Deep Pants?” I exclaimed. “I saw you on the news.”

“Keep it down.” he replied. “If anyone from the DNC finds out I’m selling information to a blogger, I’ll never get a job there again.”

“I think that stealing classified notes will have more to do with that.” I remarked.

“Are you kidding?” he shot back. “That was totally under orders… I mean… that was a personal problem. And they said they won’t hold it against me.”

A just looked at him for about thirty seconds.

“OK, it was both.” He muttered.

“Never mind that.” I said. “Do you have the information that I need? What law is Evil Glenn trying to get passed?” I felt dirty just talking to him, but I needed to know. And he seemed to be the only one who knew what Evil Glenn was up to.

Berger started chuckling. “Boy do you guys have it all wrong.”

“What do you mean?” I demanded.

“He’s not trying to get a law passed. He’s trying to get one repealed.”

Now I was really confused. Why would Evil Glenn want a law taken off of the books? He was a lawyer, and the more laws there were, the more control they had over the rest of us. “What law could he possibly want removed?” I asked in befuddlement.

“Well, as far as I have been able to tell,” he answered, “It is the law that has to do with the illegalities about certain kinds of relationships between adult humans and flightless waterfowl.”

I staggered as if struck by a physical blow. It was worse than I had suspected. Far worse.

As I stood there swaying, trying to come to grips with what I had just learned, I barely noticed Sandy Berger disappearing back into the shadows. But it didn’t matter. He had told me what I had wanted to know. More than I wanted to know, really.

I knew I had to warn the rest of The Alliance. Evil Glenn was trying to come out of the figurative Arctic Waterfowl Habitat(5), (the filthy penguin lover) and he was trying to use Congress to do it.

I just had one more question running through my mind. How am I going to tell Harvey I used his “Graffiti Currency” to pay off Berger?


(1)Besides, after that incident when it picked the wrong Superbowl Winner last year, half the time, all that pops up in the window is “Please! Not the dryer! Anything but the dryer!

(2)Wouldn’t “The Washington Insiders” be a great name for a sports team?

(3)And when the voice said well laundered, it wasn’t joking around. It specified only money that had been run through the wash at least twice. Preferably with a fabric softener. I was also told that if there was any crispness or sharp creases on the bills that the deal would be called off.

(4)I know that it sounds like a cliché, but there are certain rules that must be followed in situations such as this.

(5)Sort of like coming out of the closet, but involving more ice and saltwater.

Posted by GEBIV at 09:52 PM | Comments (1)

July 21, 2004

PGH: Fair and Balanced?

This week’s Precision Guided Humor Assignment:

If a car has a "Bush Lied, People Died" bumper sticker on it, what other stickers should it have on it to make the car more fair and balanced?

There is always the obvious:

Moore Lied, Chicken Fried!

They could show a full realization of their intelligence:

(picture of someone flipping the bird) Why Yes, That Is My IQ

Or how they feel about the international community:

I also think that the UN should run our country!

An introspective on his astuteness:

Gullible Man Driving

A little self description:

Whiny Liberal On Board

Ah, a rational (for them) argument:

…And I Don’t Care What The Facts Say!

A better indication of mental acuity:


Who they really support, politically:

Saddam For President

More self-realization:

Arnold Was Right. I Am A Girly-Man.

A cry for help:

Please Don’t Beat Me!

Or, a true indication of why they think that way:

Why No. I Haven’t Taken My Medication Today.

Remember, they don’t want any one telling them what to think:

And Keep Your Hands Off Of My Tinfoil Hat!

Or they could try for eloquence:


More Liberal logic:

I Know What I Feel. And If I Feel It, It Must Be The Truth.

How moral relativism really works:

Of Course, There Is No Absolute Truth. But You Are Always Wrong.

More coherent thinking:

But without oil and gas, I couldn’t be able to drive around showing how much I hate Bush… but don’t try to confuse me with your LOGIC.

And a realization of what their vote could do:

And When Kerry Becomes President, I’ll Get To Trade My Car In For A Bicycle. And Learn French.

Posted by GEBIV at 02:16 PM | Comments (3)

And now for a word from our sponsors…

Announcer: The recording you are about to hear is an actual recording of an OnStar(bucks) operator and a client.


Operator: OnStar(bucks). How can I help you… Aaron?

Aaron: Ow ow ow ow ow ow…

Operator: I’m sorry, I can’t understand you.

Aaron: Ow ow ow ow ow…

Operator: Sir, please calm down and let me know how I can help you.

Aaron: OK. (ow) I was driving along, (ow ow) drinking my coffee (ow ow) and I…

Operator: You spilled it in your lap, didn’t you sir?

Aaron: Yessssssss. (Ow ow ow) And it was very hot!

Operator: All right. Here’s what you need to do. I’ll direct you to the nearest Starbucks where they will have an Iced Frappuccinno ready for you. You should pour that in your lap while you drive to the hospital. I’ll call ahead and give them your medical information so they can start cross matching for a skin graft.

Aaron: OK. But could you make that two Frappuccinnos?

Operator: Sure. Now turn left…

Announcer: Our OnStar(bucks) operators cannot only direct you to the nearest Starbucks, they also have your personal medical files ready just in case you have a coffee related injury.

OnStar(bucks). Serving you every day.

Posted by GEBIV at 12:08 AM | Comments (2)

July 19, 2004


After hearing Blond-Star (found through Harvey, here) I was inspired to create the service OnStar(bucks).

*This is dedicated to my Starbucks addicted friends.

Announcer: This is an actual recording of an OnStar(bucks) operator and a client.


Operator: Hello, OnStar(bucks), how may I help you… Jared?

Jared: Oh man. Am I glad I got a hold of you.

Operator: OK, just calm yourself and tell me what we can do for you.

Jared: Well, I was driving along and all of a sudden…

Operator: Yes?

Jared: I ran out of coffee! And I don’t have any more in the car and I don’t know where the nearest coffee is and I think I’m starting to get caffeine withdrawal and…

Operator: Sir. Sir. Please calm down. I can help. I’ve just notified the nearest Starbucks and ordered a double latte mocha grandé for you. It’ll be ready for you when you arrive. Now, here’s how you get there…

Announcer: Our personalized service will not only direct you to the nearest Starbucks, we can also pre-order your favorite drink to have it ready for you.

OnStar(bucks) is available on most new cars with cup holders.

OnStar(bucks). Because you never know when you will run out of coffee.

Posted by GEBIV at 05:17 PM | Comments (5)

In Frank's World...

New "In My World" over at Frank J.'s IMAO! Absolutely hilarious.

*Warning, extreme drink alert.

Posted by GEBIV at 02:12 PM | Comments (0)

July 17, 2004

For your dining pleasure...


Date:July 17, 2004


Subj:Tasty discounts!!

***BIG DISCOUNTS!!!!!!***

Save on every can!

Become a member and save even more on all meat products!


Special Collectors Edition Cans Available!

Have some for dinner tonight! Stock up! Save some for a rainy day!

Made with 100% meat and meat byproducts!

Now available in low Sodium and Smoke Flavored!

Just great. SPAM™ spam.

Posted by GEBIV at 05:00 PM | Comments (3)

July 16, 2004

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Documentary

This week’s Alliance Filthy Lie was: What Documentary Will Evil Glenn Make? By an amazing coincidence, I got some SPAM in my inbox containing a couple of movie teasers…


Coming soon to a theater near you…

RPM 20,000: The Speed at Which Puppies Liquify

-The true-life saga of one man and his search for the perfect blender. How Glenn Reynolds struggled for hours at a time using inferior quality machinery until the day when he find the golden grail of his dreams… the L’Equip model 228.

“High-speed mayhem at it’s best” – Some Movie Guy

See it early and see it often. You know you’re thirsting for… RPM 20,000

Also showing with

Aluminum, 34oz

-The thrilling story of one man and his search for the most balanced, most impact resistant hobo-whacking bat available.

You’ll wince at the blood… You’ll scream at the gore… You’ll laugh at the hobos… You’ll come back for more… of Aluminum, 34oz

No refreshments will be served before the films start, but after-movie catering will be provided by Evil Glenn Industries. Bring your own straws.


I just wonder if Susie will be showing them at her theater soon...

Posted by GEBIV at 08:27 PM | Comments (2)

July 15, 2004

Dude, Where's My Tank?

Head over to BLACKFIVE's for a truely awesome video compilation of Airdrop Mishaps.

Warning, if massive destruction tickles your funny bone, SEVERE DRINK ALERT in effect. (This video is almost as funny as the one with the British doing an amphibious landing on a quicksand beach. Now if I could just remember where I put the link to that one...)

Posted by GEBIV at 10:53 PM | Comments (1)

Public Service Announcement

Just in case either of my regular readers was wondering, the little banner at the top of the page is an Amber Alert Ticker. I first noticed it over at The Krotchety Kegler and thought that it would be a good thing to have.

Of course, that was over a month ago, and I just got around to copying and pasting the code.

Part of what finally pushed me into doing it was one of my neighbors coming within 15 minutes of needing an Amber Alert to find her son. (Turned out he and his friend were just goofing off all night. Including going out to a pizzeria when he was supposed to be home.) But it could have been serious.

So if anyone is interested in putting one up on their own site, just click on the banner and follow the (really easy) directions. It’s a free service, but they do ask for a $3 donation if you would like to support them.

Posted by GEBIV at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)

July 13, 2004

PGH: How Will Michael Moore Die?

I guess that I haven’t been doing many Alliance Assignments lately. Actually, I haven’t been doing much posting at all lately. I blame this on everyone else. I spend so much time reading everyone else’s witty writings that I don’t take any time to do any writing myself. I’m very ashamed that I never got around to linking some truly wonderful things that I have found.

I will also admit to a little pressure from the outside world. But that has been mostly in the form of relatively high temperatures. Once you combine them with the humidity, you get a sort of weather-enhanced BEAL.

Anywho… back to the Precision Guided Humor Assignment. Namely, How do I think Michael Moore will die?

With the theory that Only The Good Die Young, the corollary would project that Moore would live so long as to be indistinguishable from an immortal.* A truly frightening thought. The American populace would be subjected to Moore’s drivel for countless generations, and his ability to distinguish fact from fancy would be eroded with each “documentary” he produced. However, each successive administration would become more and more conservative, as the public’s reaction to the vile filth on the screen pushed them more and more away from the wacko leftist policies he spews.

Eventually, he would be driven out of the United States by public outcry over the messes left in the theaters showing his works.** He would then be forced to only exist in the shadowy half-world that we know as France. Of course, he would still win the Cannes Film Festival each year, but no one will take it seriously anyways.

From his dark, Twinkie wrapper littered cave in France, he would always be plotting the destruction of the United States.*** Eventually, the entire Western world would have rise up to wipe his evil from the face of the earth.

This could be done in several ways. The first, cutting off his Twinkie supply, would unfortunately take several generations to accomplish. Moore could probably survive off of his personal Strategic Twinkie Reserve for many years, with his own internal supply lasting many decades as well.

The second way would be to increase his Twinkie consumption. This would result in the Monty-Python restaurant patron explosion so wonderfully depicted by Susie’s photoshopped post. The downside to this method is that it would probably cause widespread famine as the entire food production of the United States was entirely geared to the production of snack cakes in the effort to keep up with the demand necessary to overload Moore’s system.

A quicker solution would be to drop an asteroid on him.****

Of course, this is all assuming that the Good Die Young Corollary actually exists and applies to Moore. Lately, it has been shown by the United States Armed Services that bad people often die very quickly and painfully. And while I am NOT advocating the removal***** of Michael Moore by the Marines, I do use it as an example that just being evil is not the key to a long life.

In all likelihood, Moore will probably die from a massive heart attack when he realizes that his movie was one of the key components of the landslide victory that George W. Bush achieved over John Kerry in the 2004 election.


* A good example of the of The Good Dying Young Corollary actually occurring is Fidel Castro. Who I assume is only alive because the ground keeps spitting him back up every time they try to bury him.

** 40-60 people all throwing up at the same time and place can be quite… fragrant.

*** A lot like Sauron in Baradur. Or better yet, like Sheolob in the caves at the top of the “Secret Stairs.” What with being big, fat, hairy and all…

**** Unfortunately, this would probably cause massive death and destruction in France, and many of Moore’s strongest and most rabid supporters would undoubtedly be incinerated along with him, in addition to… wait, is any of this really that bad?

***** With Extreme Prejudice

Posted by GEBIV at 09:46 PM | Comments (3)

July 07, 2004

Kerry Picks Edwards for Veep?

I finally figured out why Kerry picked Edwards. He figures that this might be another close race, and the Democrats will need to go to court and sue to win the elections. In that case, he’ll need an experienced trial lawyer on his team to wear down the courts until they just give him the Presidency.

Apparently, Edwards has an uncanny ability to truly empathize with and sympathetically portray the plaintiffs in his lawsuits. And Kerry believes that this would be the key to winning the necessary court battles.

Edwards: (in a whiny, wheedling voice) But your Honors, we were disenfranchised… Our votes didn’t count… The only fair thing would be to say John Kerry won… He’s the one we wanted to be President…

And then, if John/John actually won the Presidency, they would be able to use Edwards’ expertise to go around any problems that Congress might give them.

Kerry: Stupid Congress. They won’t raise all of the taxes I want them to.

Edwards: Don’t worry boss. I’ve got it covered…


Bailiff: Supreme Court now in session. Case number 99999999, The poor people of the United States vs. The Selfish, Rich People of the United States.

Edwards: Your Honor’s, I intend to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the selfish, rich people have been maliciously hoarding their money instead of allowing the benevolent United States Federal Government to use that money to help the poor and downtrodden. The poor are asking for punitive damages of $5000 from every American with an income of over…

Posted by GEBIV at 05:50 PM | Comments (3)

July 04, 2004


Just click on the sky above the Statue of Liberty at this web site.

For a little more color in the fireworks, click both the left and right mouse buttons at the same time!

Found this via One Hand Clapping.

Posted by GEBIV at 12:39 AM | Comments (10)

July 02, 2004

Rock, Paper, Saddam

Found this via Rocket Jones.

Warning: Drink alert!

P.S. Who on earth gave Saddam a suit to wear? Why isn't he in an orange prison jumper?

Posted by GEBIV at 10:18 PM | Comments (1)

July 01, 2004

Sorry no posts...

But I've been busy. You know, with Life, the Universe and Everything.

I did go see Spiderman 2 last night. Good movie. Lots of good action sequences. Just one question. If Spiderman is so concerned with enemies hurting the people he loves, why does he keep taking his mask off?

Well, that, and I did have a few problems with some of the nuclear physics involved with the movie.

Posted by GEBIV at 11:31 AM | Comments (1)