There's One, Only!

Busted!

Remember these guys? They claimed to have found a bunch of old U.S. Currency in some cans while digging in one of the their back yards. Old bills worth up to $75,000!

Sounded too good to be true, right?

Well it was. Too good to be true that is. It seems now, that they found the money in someone else's attic or barn while doing contractor work for them. And Massachusetts state law says that anything found on someone's property, or in their home, is the property owner's. If that last sentence was a little confusing, let me put it this way - the two guys stole the money.

It seems that with all of the media attention, they kept changing their stories a little bit too often. That got the authorities interested, who investigated and discovered where the money really came from.

According to the story, the biggest mistake the two guys made was announcing their find to the media. Once that happened, it was only a matter of time before the story went national and then, the close media scrutiny was too much for their fabricated tale of discovery. If they hadn't said anything to anyone, they probably would have been able to sell off all of the money with no one the wiser.

No PHISHING!

I'm pretty sure that this is just somebody trying to steal my e-bay account, since I saw the exact same e-mail in the Alliance g-mail inbox. Anybody else get this piece of trash?

Dear valued customer Need Help?

We regret to inform you that your eBay account could be suspended if you don't re-update your account information. To resolve this problems please click here and re-enter your account information. If your problems could not be resolved your account will be suspended for a period of 24 hours, after this period your account will be terminated.

For the User Agreement, Section 9, we may immediately issue a warning, temporarily suspend, indefinitely suspend or terminate your membership and refuse to provide our services to you if we believe that your actions may cause financial loss or legal liability for you, our users or us. We may also take these actions if we are unable to verify or authenticate any information you provide to us.

Due to the suspension of this account, please be advised you are prohibited from using eBay in any way. This includes the registering of a new account. Please note that this suspension does not relieve you of your agreed-upon obligation to pay any fees you may owe to eBay.

Regards,Safeharbor Department eBay, Inc
The eBay team.
This is an automatic message. Please do not reply.

Filthy Lie: Questions for the Dark Lord of the Blogsphere

Recently, Harvey mentioned that Empress Pink Kitty was going to be meeting Evil Glenn face to face (for real) at the BlogNashville Symposium and brought up the question:

What would you say to (or what questions would you ask) Evil Glenn if you met him at BlogNashville?

Well, I got to thinking. (Which hurt - a lot.) But I couldn't decide which questions to ask Evil Glenn.

Then it hit me. What with bloggers being such big celebrities, and Evil Glenn being just about the biggest blogger there is (that's why he's the Dark Lord of the Blogsphere), he's probably starting to get a little annoyed at all the attention. I bet that he's even starting to long for the good old days. Back when he was just a simple little lawyer/law professor who only occasionally dreamed of taking over the world and blending all the puppies.

And all that thought led me to wondering what part of the blogger fame he was most weary of. And so I give you...

The top ten list of questions Evil Glenn is tired of hearing.

• 10. How can I become a big, world-famous blogger like you?


• 9. Wow. You make how much money blogging?


• 8. Can I borrow $20?


• 7. How about $10?


• 6. What do blended puppies really taste like?


• 5. Do you have a macro that types "Indeed" and "Heh" for you?


• 4. What is the mean flight speed of a fully laden swallow?


• 3. Is that a keyboard in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?


• 2. Do you think you're as popular as Frank J.?

And the number one most annoying question that Evil Glenn is tired of hearing...

• 1. Instapundit? What's that?

Happy Birthday!

To my other blogless brother (not Culzephyr) in Rhode Island. He turns the big 3-0 today.

...now if we can just get him out of school.

Just an annoying test.

Here's one of those silly things that is always zipping around peoples e-mail accounts. I got it from my blogless brother Culzephyr, and I now pass it along to you...

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.

You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time,
answer all of them immediately.

OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

No looking at the answers in advance.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

Answer:
If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person
and you take his place,
you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question,
don't take as much time as you took for
the first question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person,
then you are...?

Answer:

If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer:Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary.
Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair
Of sunglasses, how should he express himself

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE

SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

PGHA: New Weapons for the War on Terror

Recently, a disturbing trend has begun to appear in fighting terrorism. Due to Darwinian survival of the fittest, all of the easy to kill terrorists are dead, and the ones that are left are getting tougher and tougher to eliminate.

It's even gotten so bad that regular weapons are becoming less effective. In one case, the terrorist appeared to have the Agent Smith like ability to dodge bullets. (If some skinny guy in a black trench coat hadn't shown up and taken out the bad guy, it could have gotten real ugly.)

So, the Department of Defence has been forced to come up with some new weapons on the war on terror. Here is what I have been able to discover about the soon to be issued weapons.

*WARNING* *WARNING* GEEK ALERT!! *WARNING* *WARNING*

First, the new standard issue sidearm:

STING(MIM): Just like it's Lord of the Rings namesake, the Sting (Militant Islamist Modification) Standard Issue, glows when in the presence of enemies. However, instead of detecting orcs, this model glows blue when in the presence of Militant Islamists. This dagger will be given to all ground forces engaged in clearing the Sunni Triangle.

Next, the Commanding General will be armed with:

Anduril (The Flame of the West, Narsil re-forged): This mystic weapon, when wielded by Isildur's Heir could hold the key to defeating the terrorists. By using the this sword as his proof of kingship, the heir will be able to rally the undead-oath breakers to help in the defeat of the terrorist forces.

As well as being issued the new Sting(MIM), Special Forces will be equipped with the new Lothlorien Cloaks. This lightweight outer wear both protects from the sun and provides needed warmth during the cold desert nights. It also has proven to have better camouflage properties than any previously existing uniform.

Many of these elite units have also been testing the new replacements to MRE's, Lembas Bread. Early reports have been positive, however there is always the possibility that soldiers being given the same food day after day, no matter how tasty and nutritious, may become bored with the fare.

Presently in research, is the One Ring. This could prove to be the deciding element in the war on terror. The question is weather to use this artifact of phenomenal power to rule, find, bring and bind the other rings of power; or to destroy it and demolish the source of terrorism with it. Currently the project has been put on hold pending the recruitment of a person small enough to be smuggled through enemy lines.

With these additions to the Armed Services regular arsenal, it will only be a matter of time before the forces of terrorism are forever vanquished!

Mini Mouse

I was in Office Max earlier today, (Had to pick up some ram for the office computer. It's got more memory than my 5 year younger laptop, but still only works about as fast as a union employee leaning on a shovel. But that's the only computer some of the older folks in the family can use, so we keep fixing it.) and I saw the coolest little mini retractable mouse.

Now, normally I'm not the kind of person to impulse buy ...who am I kidding? I almost bought an inflatable raft the last time I was in Sam's Club. But I did manage to talk myself out of that one. (The creek was running too low for decent white-water rafting. Not that it's ever really white, but sometimes you can get some pretty good brown-water rafting.)

Anyways, I did buy it, and it works just great! The best part was the little velour satchel that it came with. Not that the bag was why I bought the mouse. But since it was hidden in the packaging, it was a nice surprise when I found it.

Oh yeah, it's optical too. I hate having to clean the rollers in a traditional mouse. And I will never buy one again.

UPDATE: Since the link doesn't work, (Who knew you couldn't link directly to a catalog page at Office Max?) here's a picture of the mighty MiniMouse sitting next to my Dad's wireless mouse. Also included is my left palm, for even worse size comparison. (I have those freakishly short fingers, dont-cha-know.)

Nothing to say today

...Except that the CSI re-runs on SpikeTV were pretty good tonight. I don't know if the clues were just too obvious, or I'm getting better at murder mysteries, but I figured most of the murders out real early.

... And, got some road construction goin' on at the corner. Hopefully, they'll finish up tonight, and the intersection will go back to normal. It totally killed business at the store today.

Still can't figure out why they're resurfacing the road though. It wasn't too bad and there are a buch of much worse roads in the area. Although, come to think of it, the road they're doing is a State road, and all the other roads in the area are town and county (Motto: Erie, the county with no money!) roads, which aren't likely to be improved any time soon.

Ahhh. New York. Wasting more money in one day, than 20 other states combined.

Time to watch some "Who's Line?" See y'all later!

Oh yeah, I just want to say that the best cola commercial I've seen in a long time is the "Lime in the Coke, you nut!" commercial for the new Lime-Coke. But I have to say that I like the taste of the new Lime-Pepsi a little better. I know it's just a copy of the Coke product, but I still like the flavor more.

Hero Not Considered For The Papacy!

Just a warning. This may sound like a real-ish story, but it is a joke. A really bad joke. Put down your drinks, because it may be the most awful joke you will ever read. (I can't claim authorship of this, I found it on a jokes newsgroup.)

You've been warned...

Hero Not Considered For The Papacy!

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a
young man, aspired to become a priest. However, he was drafted into the
Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his
aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving
spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he
became a priest and then a bishop, serving as a missionary in Africa,
piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across
the continent. In 1997, after being consecrated as an archbishop, he
was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a
cave-in.

Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to
those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was
buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss
of his right eye.

The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long
condition characterized by purplish skin botches.

Although now-Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as
a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never
ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple
Papal leader!

-Clothahump

EerieCon 7

Just got back from EerieCon 7.

I only went to one day's events, but it was a lot of fun. It was the first time I had ever gone to an event like that, so I was a little confused at first. But all in all I had a good time.

I sat in on a few authors reading excerpts from their books, a couple of author discussion panels, and a 'game show' called What Line's Mine.

The game show was seven authors who had to identify who wrote a book quote that was read to them. 10 points were awarded for getting it right, and no points off for getting it wrong ...unless it was that author's work. Then it was -20 points for the author who couldn't identify his or her own writing. Cheating was encouraged (i.e. looking to see what name the other authors were holding up before making your own guess) but not often done well.

The best laugh of the night came when Allen Steele failed to recognize a line from one of his own books ...that everyone else got right. He kept claiming that he never wrote it right up to when the moderator handed him the card with the quote and it's book on it. When he realized that he had been wrong, his response was "Oh F***!" Much to the amusement of the 50 or 60 people in the room. (To be fair, it was a book he had written 16 years earlier, longer than some of the others had been writing professionally.)

I'm definitely looking forward to the convention again next year. I might even get a hotel room and stay for the whole three days. There were a couple of things that I skipped on tonight because I didn't want to be driving home at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. But just driving up there for today was pretty cool. Especially for my first Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Horror convention.

(Although I have to say I didn't see too much horror stuff. Just some slightly scary Fantasy things.)

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn and Baseball

It wasn't easy, but they managed to drag the Evil Blogger into the chamber. "You can't do this to me!" Evil Glenn screamed. "I'm not subject to the laws of you mere mortals!" A bit of froth started to appear on his lips. "I'll get you all! And your little doggies too! Mmm... puppies." He seemed to distract himself for a moment with that thought, and the Federal Agents holding his arms took advantage of it and wrestled him into the witness stand.

After he had been firmly shackled to the chair, and a large amount of sedatives had been administered, the questioning began. The first Senator to speak up was Senator Kennedy(D-MA). "Mr. Reynolds, could you please tell us, in your own words, what first prompted your involvement in Baseball."

"Ah yes. The beginning. What a good place to start." Evil Glenn paused for a moment. "Let me think...

"It all began when I overheard two of my students arguing over something. As they continued to argue, I kept hearing repeated statements about the umpires being 'a bunch of bums', and how the fans in the stadium all wanted to kill said umpires. This intrigued me to no end. I immediately went out and purchased tickets to the next game to see what it was all about.

"Imagine my surprise when I discovered that these 'bums' everyone was complaining about were a group of men wearing black, who's arbitrary decisions affected the outcome of the game! And the players and coaches had no way to complain about their rulings. They were practically judges! And of course, completely off limits in my book."

"What do you mean by 'off limits'?" the Senator asked.

"Well that should be obvious!" replied Evil Glenn. "I can't go around murdering judges. They used to be lawyers, and there are professional courtesies to observe."

"Then there was no alcohol involved with your discovery of Baseball?" Kennedy sounded vaguely disappointed.

"None at all."

"Not even beer?" Kennedy was starting to sound a little desperate. "Because if there was, I feel that we should take a recess and investigate it further."

"Sorry." Evil Glenn said without actually sounding sorry. "No beer either."

Kennedy just slumped back into his chair.

John Kerry (D-MA) leaned towards the microphone in front of him. "I would just like to say at this moment, that I served in Vietnam."

Evil Glenn looked at him. "And...?"

"That's all." Kerry sat back, comfortable in the knowledge that he had once served, however briefly, in Vietnam.

"I have a question for Mr. Reynolds." It was Chuck Shumer (D-NY). "After you decided not to kill the umpires, why did you stay interested in Baseball?"

"Well, by then I had discovered another thing. Gambling."

"Gambling?"

"Oh yes. I was quite surprised to learn that people would actually wager money on the outcome of these sporting events. I was making quite a bit of money at those games... but I still didn't like the fact that I would sometimes loose."

"So, is that when you decided to give your favorite team a little... edge?" Asked Senator McCain(RINO-AZ)

"I only gave them a little energy drink that I had developed." Answered Evil Glenn a little defensively.

"A drink filled with steroids!" proclaimed McCain. He then turned to the other committee members. "So you can see why Congress should have authority over-"

"Actually, there were no steroids." interrupted Glenn.

"Drugs then."

"None."

"Then what could this 'wonder drink' you gave them contain?" the Senator asked sarcastically.

"Blended puppies!" Evil Glenn said with an... evil grin.

"Puppies?" exclaimed one of the other Senators. "That's awful!"

"I don't see what the problem is," Glenn replied. "After all, they serve cooked dogs in the stands all the time."

"Those are hot dogs you demented man! They are made from beef... well, mostly beef. But definitely not dogs!"

A look of consternation appeared on Evil Glenn's face. "Pardon me for one moment," he said. "I have to take care of something."

With that, he stuck one long finger down his throat and emptied his stomach onto the floor next to the witness-stand. "Ah, much better," he said as he wiped off his chin. "I was wondering what was making me feel ill."

A meek little clerk stepped up to the Committee Chairman's elbow, and whispered into his ear. The Chairman listened, nodded a couple of times and frowned once. He then leaned forward and spoke into his mic. "It seems that, as repugnant as the thought is, I must release you, Mr. Reynolds. Apparently you have broken none of Major League Baseball's rules. However, we will be suggesting certain changes to those rules to see to it that none of your actions can ever be repeated."

Evil Glenn rubbed his hands together as soon as the Federal agents had released his restraints. "Very good." he said. He paused for a moment then asked, "Can you tell me one thing?"

"What is that?"

"My personal shake supplies have been a little low while I was, ahem, helping my baseball team."

"And...?"

"I was wondering if you knew if the animal shelter was still open?"

"GET THAT MAN OUT OF HERE!" bellowed the committee chairman. "And someone get a mop."

That Was Cool!

I just got home from an book signing and author interview at Borders. There were four authors there, one straight Sci-Fi, and three Fantasy writers. Allen Steele, Lynn Flewelling, Will McDermott (another Terry Pratchett fan, like me), and Anne Bishop.

It was the first time I'd ever gone to one of these kinds of things, and it was really good. The authors gave a little panel discussion on their books, writing, and the world of publishing. Then after the question and answer session, they signed books. I got book from each of them.

I haven't read any of their works before, so I look forward to discovering their styles. The only author that was supposed to be there that I was familiar with, Stephen Brust, was unable to make it due to a severe infection. He was hospitalized earlier this week for it.

All in all, it was a good way to spend a couple of hours. Now I've got to see if I can make it to EerieCon 7 this weekend. I might be able to squeeze Saturday in...

PGHA: Rummy in Afghanistan

Donald Rumsfeld just got back from his trip in Afghanistan. But what was he really there for? What did Rumsfeld do while he was in Afghanistan? This is the question posed by the Alliance this last week.

So here is some Incredibly Inane Information about Rumsfeld's trip to Afghanistan.

* Rumsfeld heard that the Afghanistan women are really hot once they take off those burnus biernoo bornous ...robes.

* Unfortunately, he's competing with Marines.

* Yeah, that means no one for me either.

* He was checking up on the Top Secret Laboratory the US Army built there for him.

* They're still in the early stages of Mad Science work, so he has to check on them a lot.

* Last time, the clone they made of him was only 1/4th size.

* On the plus side, this did inspire the Minnie Me character from Austin Powers.

* The royalties from that are paying for most of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

* Sometimes he just needs to go where everyone knows his name.

* Oh, wait. That's Cheers.

* In Afghanistan, most people worship him.

* He goes there to collect the offerings.

* And to do a little smiting.

* Ever since the time he scared Barney with his banjo, Afghanistan is the only place anyone will let him practice.

* Provided he stays in one of the really deep caves.

* And only plays during mortar attacks.

* There's also a little restaurant in a tiny village in southern Afghanistan where they serve the best chocolate chip cookies in the world.

* Rumsfeld is just crazy about chocolate chip cookies.

* Actually, the story is that he meant to go to Jamaica, but got on the wrong plane.

* Someone sent him to the wrong terminal.

* Stupid travel agent.

* No souvenirs for him.

* Afghanistan souvenirs are worthless anyways.

* After all, once you've seen one rock, you've pretty much seen them all.

* Except for diamonds. Those are just pretty. Ooh... shiny.

* The most realistic reason, Rumsfeld went to Afghanistan just so he didn't have to deal with the MSM for a little while. (Down side: they don't have cable over there yet, so no FOX News either)

Good Joke!

I just had to steal this joke from Castle Argghhh! But I won't give you the punch line. You have to go to the castle for that.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

And for the punchline, go to this post and scroll to the bottom.

That stinks.

Since I don't have anything worthwhile to say today, but I want to change the date in the calendar on the left to blue, here's a bad joke.

A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying
to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet
and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while
we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet
stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do
I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to
keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me
for a week, he's bound to find out.

Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he
walks into the bedroom.

He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her
neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a
confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

Dinner Zen

Had dinner with my folks and my visiting blogless brother Culzephyr tonight. And since it was at a chinese restaurant, I bring you our fortunes:

You are smart, for you do things smartly.
Lucky Numbers 10, 16,18,27,30,32

-and-

How can you have a beautiful ending without making beautiful mistakes.
Lucky Numbers 1, 4, 20, 31, 35, 41

-and-

Life always gets harder near the summit.
Lucky Numbers 2, 14, 15, 23, 24, 34

-and-

This is a night for love and affection.
Lucky Numbers 8, 10, 11, 13, 24, 39

Linky Stuff

The Roundup for the Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Reality TV is up over at the Alliance HQ.

Also, I have taken it upon myself to make up the filthy lie assignment for next week. That is up over at the Alliance HQ, also.

Harvey's guest poster Peter has another wonderfull post over at Bad Example on what to do once you've failed to avoid getting into a gunfight. Part of a good series Peter is posting over there.

Incidentally, Peter's post has also been linked to by the Carnival of Chordite. A lot of good reads there every week.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Reality show.

The popcorn was almost done, the smoothies were chilling in the refrigerator, the attack rabbits had been kennelled, and the dungeon had been remodeled into a home theater. Evil Glenn smiled. Everything was all set.

He thought back to a month before, when a couple of his biggest e-advertisers had approached him with a new idea. "Hey," they said. "You've got this internet thing all sewn up. Why don't you try to break into TV?" Their opening statement had intrigued Evil Glenn, so he called off the Insta-henchmen and let them finish. They had sold him on what they called "the hottest idea ever to hit the airwaves, Reality TV!"

Glenn had then set out to produce his very own Reality program. He hired the best cameramen, the best writers, the best make-up girls. But no caterers. He still preferred to make his own meals - the caterer never seemed to get the puppies smooth enough.

After three weeks of filming, he was ready to show the program to his advertisers. They arrived at his Fortress of Evil right on time. Smiling graciously, Glenn's Insta-Wife led the guests down into the transformed dungeon where the viewing was to take place.

Once everyone was seated in front of the screen, Evil Glenn stepped in front of it to introduce his creation. "Ladies and Gentlemen, you have all invested heavily in my latest project; which I will soon be showing to you. I just hope that you are all as proud of it as I am. Heh. Indeed." He then took a small bow to acknowledge the light applause from his somewhat captive audience.

Taking his seat he called out to his Insta-henchmen. "Lights!" One of them dimmed the rooms lights. "Roll the tape!"

Following a brief pause, a roll of duct-tape came bouncing across the floor. "I meant play the TV show, you idiots!" he screamed. He turned back to his guests and added in a somewhat calmer tone, "Good henchmen are so hard to find these days."

Just then, the projector started. Everyone stopped talking and settled in to watch what they hoped would be the next smash TV hit.

(The show starts with a close up of Evil Glenn. It pans back as he is talking, and we gradually see that he is walking down a sidewalk in what looks like a typical American Suburb)

Evil Glenn: Hello. Welcome to The Glenn Reynolds Show! Today we are walking along a beautiful street in a small town in Ohio, where just this week, I helped a young man purchase his first home.

(He stops and turns to look up a driveway.)

Evil Glenn: Ah. Here he is now. Good afternoon Mr. Culzephyr.

Culzephyr: Oh hello, Evil Glenn.

Evil Glenn: Did you get all of the paperwork I sent you?

Culzephyr: Yeah. And it's all done.

Evil Glenn: Good. Then as soon as the bank signs off, the house is all yours.

Culzephyr: Thanks. You know what? You're not too bad for an Evil Genius bent on controlling the Blogsphere.

Evil Glenn: Indeed.

(The camera cuts to a different street where Evil Glenn is sitting on a park bench)

Evil Glenn: Welcome back. In this quaint little town in Texas, there is a lovely little bungalow that just went on the market. It is within walking distance of the park I'm sitting in right now, and also has convenient access to the highway. Next, we'll be going to-

A shriek drowned out the audio of the program. Evil Glenn signalled to his insta-henchmen to stop the projector. When the lights came back up, he saw his investors sitting there stunned. One was weeping softly, while another was muttering incomprehensively under his breath. The one who had shrieked looked up at Glenn.

"What did you do?" he asked. "You were supposed to make a reality show."

"That's what I did." replied the evil blogger. "I made a realty show. I don't know why they're popular, but you and your fellow investors told me that they were all the rage right-"

"No, you fool!" the man yelled. "RE-AL-I-TY SHOWS!! You know, a TV show about real life. Not Real Estate!"

"Hmm. Perhaps you should have been more specific. I don't watch television myself you know. It cuts into valuable blogging time."

The man started sobbing. "You've ruined us. Everything we had was invested in this, and now we're all penniless. I'll probably even lose my home..."

Evil Glenn's eyes glinted for the briefest of moments. "Did you say you would be... homeless?"

The Ides of April

Ohmygod!

I almost forgot!

Today is BUY A GUN DAY III!

So remember the Buy a Gun Day Motto: Annoy a Liberal. Buy a Gun!

I've been a little busy, but I vow to buy a gun! (I'll have to when I get my pistol permit)

Groan

Sometimes, if it wasn't for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all.

Half an hour before going home from work, a hydraulic line goes. (It was probably leaking before then, but that is when I found it) - A good two hours of repairs. Hopefully this one will last...

Earlier today, I was looking all over for a cresent wrench I could have sworn was in the pocket of a coat hanging up. I looked for it for 15 minutes. I needed it today too. Two seconds after I get home, I see it laying right where I could have sworn I looked three times.

Long day ahead tomorrow, so I'll turn in early. Of course that usually means I'll just stare at the ceiling all night long, and won't get any real rest.

At least I remembered to bring home toilet paper before I used up the last three squares I had left...

PGHA: Al Gore TV

I was sitting in a lotus position on the roof of my garage, meditating. Clear nights like that were perfect for getting in tune with the universe. Plus, it allowed me a better angle to spit sunflower seeds into the neighbor's yard. Suddenly I felt strange, as if millions of voices had all cried out at the same moment. Then it was like they were laughing at something so hard they couldn't catch their breath.

There was a disturbance in the force.

And of course, that almost always meant an Alliance assignment.

I gingerly stood up, untangling my legs as I went. Uh oh! I had sat too long and both of them were asleep.

"Whoooops!"

*scrape*

"AIIIEEEEEE!"

*THUMP!*

I picked myself up off the driveway, groaning more than a little. I limped down to the corner to buy a paper. Twinging a bit each time I turned a page, I found the want ads. I scanned the page, and there it was, The signal for an assignment:

EXOTIC DANCERS!!!!

Reasonable rates.
Available day or night.
Call xxx-xxxx

Oops. Wrong ad. I meant the next one.

Lobotomies, cheap! Amaze your friends. become a liberal in one easy step. Call Harvey @ 555-5555

I checked my watch and saw that I had to hurry. I only had a few minutes to get to the meeting place for my assignment.

I staggered out of the store as fast as my legs would let me. (They were now at the pins and needles stage) Once I reached the end of the store, I made a sharp turn and ducked into the alley behind it. I checked my watch again, and as the second-hand swept past the XII (12 for those who failed Roman numerals, 1100 for Harvey) I knocked three times on the large trash can next to a pile of tires.

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then a furry little head popped out of the can. It was Bosco the Idea Lemur.

"Hey there little guy." I said. "Have you got my assignment?"

With a solemn face, somewhat amusing on the furry critter, he handed me a folded piece of paper.

As soon as I started reading it, I knew that I was right about that earlier feeling I had of a disturbance in the force.

Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what the lineup will be on Al Gore's new cable station, "Current". So far, everyone we have sent to get this information has nearly died laughing. And none of them had even seen any part of the lineup. I'm counting on your odd sense of humor to protect you on this assignment.

As usual, if you are discovered or captured, we will have no choice to disavow all knowledge of your actions. But the Widows and Orphans Fund has really grown lately, so at least your dependents will... oh, I forgot, you're not married. Never mind.

Good luck.

I absentmindedly crumpled the paper up and dropped it into the trash can as I thought about the assignment.

A shrieking sound roused me from my reverie. Bosco was frantically trying to climb out of the can. "Oops!" I said as I dove for cover.

*KABOOM!!!!*

The explosion fired the lemur out of the garbage can like a round from an a civil war mortar. After doing a quick mental calculation, I figured that his azimuth and elevation were somewhere in the range that would hopefully land him in Wisconsin. I just hope his cheese-head owner had a nice soft spot for him to land on...

As fur drifted down around me, I realized that it was once again time for another...

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

Fortunately, this one looked like an easy assignment. I don't know what they've got in Wisconsin, but here in Buffalo our liberal rag was bound to have a full page story on the new channel. And I had already purchased a paper!

I found a good spot to sit down and flipped back through the news. Drat! I was only batting .500. The full page story had been done yesterday, and all todays paper had were some corrections for the article. Interesting stuff, but "mistakenly reporting an expected market share of 30% which should be .03%" wasn't going to help me much.

However, the TV listings did have the programming for the day, so here is the afternoon-evening listing:

• Noon - 2:00PM Politically Correctness Seminar - How to be offended at practically anything anyone says.


• 2:00PM - 3:00PM CSI: Ohio - The investigative team discovers evidence, leading all of the way back to Florida,2000 proving that Bush stole the election.


• 3:00PM - 4:00PM Why We Hate Bush


• 4:00PM - 4:05PM Great successes of Liberalism - With a televised Q&A session for the last four minutes.


• 4:05PM - 6:00PM Why We Hate Bush - reruns.


• 6:00PM - 7:00PM The PETA Hour - Why your children are less important than a snail no one has ever heard of.


• 7:00PM - 8:00PM All Al - Al Gore interviews people he thinks should be president instead of Bush. This week's interview, Al Gore.


• 8:00PM - Midnight Test pattern - A "correctly" filled-in 2008 election ballot. Remember, Hillary has two "l"s.

OK, that was kind of nauseating, I thought. But I don't feel any uncontrollable laughter.

Then the actual absurdness of the whole network hit me. Al Gore had a TV channel! I had only been protected from the humor by my own denseness. All of a sudden, I started snickering to myself. This won't last a month! Now I was into a full blown chuckle. I bet advertisers will pay NOT to have their commercials on during his program! Now I was giggling uncontrollably.

Luckily, just then a town sheriff came by and saw me. He must have figured that I was doing drugs from the way I was acting, because he stepped out of his squad car and proceeded to beat the snot out of me.

When he couldn't find any drugs, he let me go. But the beating had managed to save me from laughing myself to death.

Hey, I was always told to look on the bright side...

OK

Taxes are done. That chore is over for another year.

Running a little late on my PGHA, but it should be up soon.

One more try.

The Mega Millions is up to $120,000,000's tonight. So I'm trying to win again.

Yeah, I know the odds, but even at 60million to one, it's worth a shot.

And this was an excuse to play with some html font code.

I got the blues

Computer done ate my homework,
Xbox lost all my saves.
Cell phone can't find a signal,
'Lectric razor won't shave.

I got the digital blues.

I love this channel!

This is great!

"What's Opera Doc" is on the Boomerang Channel! The greatest cartoon ever.

If you don't know which one I'm talking about, here's a little hint.

Kill the wabbit!
Kill the wabbit!
Kill the wabbit!

Hehehehehe.

A question.

When responding to someone's comment on a post, and you really want them to know about the response, what is the best way to do it?

Do you:

1. Post your own comment and expect them to check back later.


2. Reply to their e-mail notification of the comment, and then copy your reply to the comments of the post.


3. Post the comment and then forward the e-mail notification to the original commenter.

I guess I'm sort of talking myself into the second one.

Is there an accepted/standardized way to do this?

Ooh.

Sucks to be them.

Meanwhile, here in Buffalo, the media-proclaimed snow capital of the world, I've had the top down on the Jeep for the last two days. (To be fair, I do have to wear a denim jacket while driving.)

Way Cool!

For those of you who are like me right now, and have internet access but no TV, you can still watch The Masters Tournament on streaming video.

As of right now, the final round hasn't started yet, but they have the camera on the Practice Tee running. It's a lot like the scene from Tin Cup.

They've also got some golfers playing their practice round on holes 6 and 12.

One note, it didn't want to work for my Mozilla browser. But it seems just fine on IE, Netscape and Firefox.

UPDATE: Ooops. You can't watch it. CBS has exclusive rights. But you can still listen to an audio broadcast

GAK!!!!

After reading this disgusting disturbing story, I may never wash my face again.

I don't care if I have chlorinated/filtered water. You can't be too carefull in a situation like this.

I'm just glad there was no picture attached to the story...*shudder*

Good advice.

Over at Castle Argghhh! there are some important rules posted. Well, important to anyone interested in flying...

Some examples:

• The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.


• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.


• Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

Check them out. I guarantee a good laugh or two. Although, a couple might require a second or two of extra thought to get.

And Many More

It's a Bad GREAT Anniversary over at Bad Example. Harvey and Beloved Wife TNT are celebrating their 6^th wedding anniversary.

I'm not very up on the whole Paper Anniversary/Silver Anniversary stuff. Heck, I can barely remember my brother's anniversary. (Fortunately, not my problem... I only have to send a card during the right month.) But I figure that the Sixth Anniversary should be the Electron Anniversary!

So go on over and leave some electrons in their comments! Or at the very least, some ones and zeros coded into nice things to say to a couple on their anniversary.

Here's wishing them many more years of happiness!!

...

There was just a car accident at the corner where I work. I didn't see or hear anything (I play the radio pretty loud when I'm cleaning) but from what people who have come in said, it sounds like a little girl got pretty cut up.

It does sound like everyone else is OK. And the girl is being worked on by paramedics...

Damn. I hate it when children are hurt. I can't stand pain personally, but I'd rather it had happened to me. At least I might look better with a scar or two.

Just pray that everyone is OK.

I'm feeling lucky...

I've got $2 running on the MegaMillions Lottery for tonight.

I'll let you know if I win.

Hey, I might even be persuaded to share a little with anyone who comments....

;-)

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn as a Substitute Teacher

I was driving down a back-alley, looking for my contact. Earlier in the day, I had seen a peculiar item in the want-ads.

PUPPIES FOR SALE!!1! To good home only. No Blenders allowed. Call Harvey @ 555-5555

That was the signal that I had a new assignment. Ever since my recent Alliance promotion, things had changed. I didn't get any more respect, but I also didn't get any exploding surprises at my home. Now, all I had to do was wait for certain key phrases in the paper to let me know where and when to go get my assignment. The key was matching up the phrase with the time and location in my code book. Which is what led me to this dark back-alley. In the middle of the night.

I recognized the meeting place by the graffitti on the wall. The giant "MEET ME HERE" spray-painted on the wall is reallllllll subtle. I thought to myself. I parked the Jeep and got out. A little nervously, I walked over and stood in the circle of light shining on the giant "X" painted on the ground. Suddenly, having an exploding message appear out of nowhere was starting to look pretty good in comparison.

While I was standing there, contemplating my mortality, a figure in a trench-coat and Fedora darted out of the shadows and shoved an envelope into my hands. A moment later, the figure was gone, disappearing back into the deep shadows.

I tore the end off the envelope, and a small cassette fell into my palm. "Just great," I muttered. "I don't have a tape player."

The figure dashed back out of the shadows and handed me a tape recorder before rushing away again. I shrugged and put the tape in the deck. I paused a moment before hitting the "play" button. Oh well. I've gone this far.

*Click*

"Good evening Mr. GEBIV. Recently, our intelligence sources have uncovered a disturbing fact. No longer content to corrupt his students during the standard three classes a week a Professor has to teach, Evil Glenn has started taking substitute teaching jobs. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what happened at one of Evil Glenn's recent substitute teacher performances.

"This is a dangerous assignment, so we understand if you do not wish to accept it. But frankly, you'd look like a big chicken if you wimped out now.

"On the other hand, if you are discovered, captured or killed, we will disavow all knowledge of your actions. (Just make sure you get back in time to do the roundup)

"This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds..."

I popped the tape out of the player, and threw it into a trash can. And then to be nice, I tossed the tape-recorder back to the mysterious figure that had lent it to me.

A small puff of smoke popped out of the trash can. That wasn't too bad. Then, from the darkness where I had assumed the trench-coated figure was hiding, I heard. "Oh crap!" And was promptly knocked down as the person rushed past me, running as hard as possible for the street at the end of the alley.

I didn't need to be told twice, so I jumped into my Jeep and burned rubber out of there. I was just passing the mysterious character when I heard the explosion behind me.

*KAAAAABOOOOOOOM!!!!!

A glance in the mirror showed me the two buildings that formed the alleyway collapsing towards each other. And a Fedora being blown towards me. I reached out the window and grabbed the hat. And when I stopped to put it on, I spied my contact. He was draped over a street light, but the way he was cursing, I figured he would be fine.

I slammed the Jeep back in gear and headed south to Tennessee. As I left the impromptu urban renewal behind, I knew that it was once again, time for another...

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

Some time later, I pulled into the parking lot at Evil Glenn's campus. When I went to his office, I found a schedule tacked to his door showing all of his substitute teaching gigs. I was in luck. He was subbing right at that moment at a Junior College down the street. Some class called "Introduction To The Legal Profession."

I ran back to the Jeep and hopped in. I hoped I would be in time. And that I would be able to stomach what I found.

For good or ill, I made it to the class before Evil Glenn had finished. When I stuck my head the door, he was apparently just finishing up a section of the lesson.

"...and that is how you properly set it up to double bill your client." he was saying.

A hand went up from the middle of the classroom. "But is that ethical to do?" a young man asked.

"Hmmm?" answered Evil Glenn. "Ethical?" He turned his back to the class and walked over to his desk. Once there, he pulled out a dictionary and started thumbing through it. "Let's see." he muttered to himself as he ran a finger down the page. "Energy... esoteric... ethane... ah, here it is.

"Ethics. Noun. Pertaining to the morality of a situation. Said to actually be a concern of people outside the legal profession."

He turned back to face the student who had asked the question. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand your question.

"But I'm afraid that we don't have any time for more questions. I have to move on to the next portion of the syllabus. The use of legal means to deprive your enemies of their dwellings."

"Why should we do that?" another student, a young woman, asked.

Evil Glenn seemed surprised at the question and blurted out. "Because then they would be homeless."

The students didn't understand the answer, but I knew what he was aiming at all too well. It was clear to me that this Dark Lord of the Blogsphere was using these substitution appearances to spread his own, personal form of evil to the next generation.

I needed to know how far Evil Glenn was planning to go, so I crept into the room far enough to grab one of the class outline sheets sitting on a table just inside. Fortunately, Evil Glenn was concentrating on his power point presentation, and I was not seen. Retrieving the paper, I stepped back outside the classroom to read it.

My blood ran cold when I saw the next section of the lesson plan. "The Liquification of Canis Minoris as Preparation for Court Appearances: with live demonstration."

I had to disrupt his plans somehow. I couldn't let these poor, innocent, pre-law ... well poor at least, students be corrupted any further. I looked around the hallway for some way to stop the class. There were a bunch of lockers, a few scattered pieces of paper... some gum stuck to the floor...

A fire alarm! Inspiration!

I ran into the next room, a chemistry lab, and found what I was looking for. A large CO₂ fire extinguisher. Grabbing the large steel cylinder, I dashed back to Evil Glenn's lecture.

I could tell that he had moved on to the final part of the lesson. A large blender was sitting on the table, and Evil Glenn was bending over a large basket of puppies, trying to choose his first victim.

I couldn't let it go any further. Before he could get a good grip on one of the squirming little dogs, I ran up and hit him over the head with the extinguisher.

This just barely seemed to get his attention. He turned and peered at me over his glasses. "Ah, agent GEBIV. So good of you to join us."

I couldn't think of any witty repartee, so I just hosed him down with the CO₂. The extreme cold temperature froze him solid right before his hands could reach me. When the vapor from the extinguisher cleared, he was standing there immobile. A life-sized Evil Glennsickle with his arms outstretched towards me.

Finally, a witty comment popped into my head.

"Instapundo delenda est!" I said as I pushed him over backwards. Unfortunately, he didn't shatter into thousands of pieces, like in Terminator 2. He just made a *thud* sound when he hit. But it was still a really cool moment.

I turned to the students. "Class dismissed." I told them. "And a free puppy to anyone without a blender."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Evil Glenn start to wiggle his pinky. I took that as my cue to leave, and bolted. As I drove home, I could only hope that I had saved those students in time... and that I would get back in time to do the roundup!

Chopsticks

I tried out a new Chinese restaurant earlier this week for dinner. The food there was great. I'm a big fan of Kung Po Chicken, and they made it just the way I like it. The Lo Mein was also very good. I'll be going back soon.

The funny thing is, I like to read while I eat. And when I was done eating, I used the paper wrapper the chopsticks came in as a book-mark.

It's a few days later, and I just recently noticed the instructions printed on the wrapper.

On the front.

Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks
the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history.
and cultual.

BAMBOO CHOPSTLCKS
PRODUCT OF CHINA

And then, on the back, instructing you in how to use them.

Learn how to use your chopsticks

Tuk under thurnb
and held firmly

Add second chcostick
hold it as you hold
a pencil

Hold tirst chopstick
in originai position
move the second
one up and down
Now you can pick
up anything:

Fortunately, I already knew how to use the chopsticks. So I wasn't confused by the Engrish instructions.

Still, it does make a good book-mark...

Sweet!

I'm sure that everyone's seen the new Dark Side dark chocolate M&M's, right?

Well you can also get customized message M&M's in a special Star Wars(tm) tin.

I know this sounds like a commercial. But I think it's a pretty cool idea. Not that I would spend my money on it... well, maybe for someone special.

To bad I'm not a big enough site to get a little free merchandise just for mentioning them.

Git along little doggies!

My first roundup is up at Alliance HQ. Go check out all the good posts everybody else made.

And now, back to Blazing Saddles!
"And for my next impression, Jesse Owens!"

PGHA: Frank J. and SarahK and the War on Terror

Teamwork is always the best way. At least that's what people always tell me when they want me to do their work for them... no, I'm not pointing fingers, Harvey.

So, with Frank J. and Sarah K. someday (hopefully soon) to be united in Holy Matrimony, a new team will be formed to fight the forces of terrorism. The question will be, of course, what effect will their marriage have on the war on terror?

And so, I give you the top 11 effects that the IMAO marriage will have on the war on terror:

* Frank's brother Joe foo' the Marine will be fighting even fiercer than usual for a Marine, so as to get home for the wedding.

* More opportunities for T-Shirt Babe pictures means better morale for the good guys. (That's us.)

* Whenever Frank gets nagged by his new wife, his anger will be taken out on the terrorists.

* The increase in cat blogging should sap the remaining will of the terrorists.

* Any two people who look that good together, have to be good at killing terrorists together.

* There's an old legend, that when a Texan and a Floridian marry, it means the end of Al Qaeda.

* Once Frank teaches Sarah the secrets of his Drunken Kung Fu stance, she will be invincible. No terrorist will be able to stand against her.

* Frank's In My World's will have an added feminine touch. Which means all sorts of nasty, vindictive things will happen to the bad guys there. (OK maybe not a direct benefit in the real war on terror, but again, good for the good guy's morale.)

* With Sarah to cover his back, Frank will be that much more deadly on the field of battle.

* Less money spent on dating by Frank means more money spent on ammo!

* But Frank and Sarah will still have their "Terroist shootin' Tuesdays" together.

That's all I could think of. It seemed like an easy assignment to begin with. But I don't know what happened to all of my creative juices today...

Really Cool Stuff

Check out the Google Maps site! It only takes a moment to find your house, and then if you're lucky, you can get a pretty up-close satelite photo of the area. I'm close enought to Buffalo, that I've got a high res picture. I can even see my car!

On an interesting side note, I was just cruising around Washinton, D.C. using the satelite photo at the most zoomed in setting, and the Capitol Building is all pixeled out. But not the White House... interesting.

(Hat tip: Rocket Jones)

Who's on first? Word.

Another e-mail forwarded to me by my blogless brother Culbrez (or Culzephyr... he keeps changing his handle)

It's long, so most of it is in the extended entry.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO'S COMPUTER (If they were still alive they surly would have done this routine). You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget
that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for
windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word
in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other
Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One
isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".

Brain. Turning. Off.

Just got Doom3 for Xbox.

See you in a few days... or whenever I get tired of being killed (over and over and over...)

UPDATE:OK. Two hours is enough for right now. Maybe more later...

"Kitchen Sink"

I'm sure that a lot of you have seen the AARP Social Security commercial where a middle-aged woman with a clogged drain has her house torn down in an effort to fix it.

The tagline for the commercial is:

If you had a problem with the sink, you wouldn’t tear down the entire house. So why dismantle Social Security when it can be fixed with just a few moderate changes?

Which is then followed by the usual "payed for by the AARP" stuff.

My first response to this commercial was "A clogged drain! That's how bad you think the problem is?"

To be fair, no one would tear down an entire house just to fix a clogged drain. (Unless of course, the house was owned by any government beurocracy. In which case the house would not only be torn down, but the new one would be built five years behind schedule, at a cost over-run of over 200%. But that's not the point.)

On the other hand, one wouldn't simply slap a coat of paint on a house with a massive termite infestation in the foundation. And that seems to be what the AARP seems to suggest with their "few moderate changes."

And then, they are always taking different parts of the President's plan out of context in order to cast each in the worst possible light.

First, they'll say that by "privatizing" part of the social security funds, there won't be enough money to pay all of the benefits, and that the plan will cause a deficit of trillions of dollars.

Then, they'll say that he is planning on cutting benefits, for no apparent reason.

What they don't want anyone to know, is that the returns on investments from the "privatized" parts of social security will more than cover any decreased benefits. Plus, if more people have proper retirement savings, they shouldn't need any social security for themselves at all. And less people using the system, makes it that much more viable.

I'm Lucky!

Wow! I can't believe it. I feel so lucky.

I won the lottery!

Twice!

Today!

I won the Euro International Lottery this morning. And then I got a notice that I won the Netherland's Lottery this afternoon.

The Euro International Lottery was only for 500,000.00 Euros. But the Netherland's Lottery was for 700,000.00 Euros. That's 1.2 million Euros!

That makes over $1.5 million US!

All that money will come in handy too. It should help me take care of the expenses involved with a big investment from South Africa that I was also told of today. If I take care of the up front costs, there is a potential profit there of over $18 million.

Man am I making so much money today.

Don't you miss the days when spam was just junk-mail? Since all of those are illegal, now all of the spam I get are scams. On the other hand, all of those (V)iagra ads were getting a little annoying.

Just in case

I don't know if I have any regular readers who aren't already members of the Alliance of Free Bloggers, but if there are, I have a small announcement to make.

I have been drafted into the position of the Alliance's Filthy Lie and Precision Guided Humor Assignment Wrangler!

Everyone knows what a wrangler is right?

Yes. It's a model of Jeep, but that's not what I meant.

Yes. It's a brand of jeans too. But that's still not it.

OK. For those who haven't got it yet; I'm now in charge of the Roundups for the Alliance assignments. Get it? A wrangler is another word for cowboy... who do cattle roundups...

Oh forget it. It sounded clever to me.

Oh the weather outside is frightfull...

Argh!

It's snowing - still. I think we got a good 4 inches overnight and this morning, and the white stuff is still coming down.

Well, it could be worse. My parents got over 8 inches at their house. Of course, they only live 10 miles SOUTH of me... (And just enough higher in elevation for the snow to start earlier. It was still rain by me untill around midnight.)

On the other hand, it is really good snowball snow! You know, the kind that makes the perfect snowball with almost no effort. And it's pretty dense snow, so you only have to grab a handfull at a time. It hardly needs any compression.

I guess it would make good snowmen too, but I don't think that will be happening. It's April for crying out loud! Then again, snowball-sized snowmen are great little targets for a pellet gun.

UPDATE: They were great little targets! And now my fingers are cold. But all in all, a good way to unwind after work.

Time to spring foreward

Tonight at 2AM, whatever time zone you are in, you have to set your clocks ahead one hour. Don't forget, or you'll be an hour late all day.

Did I ever say how much I hate Daylight Savings Time? Why can't noon be when the sun is at it's highest due south? (give or take a few degrees, I'm not going to scrap the whole time zone idea) It makes telling time by the sun, and navigation by knowing the time sooooooo much easier if you don't have to convert from Daylight Savings time!

/rant

$3

Someone just came in and tried to get change for a $3 bill. It looked reasonably real. Had a picture of Jackson (the President, not Michael) on the front and everything.

Of course the back said United States of Anemia.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed it was an attempted April Fool's Joke, so I didn't call the cops.

That reminds me, the last $3 bill I saw had a picture of Clinton on the front... I forget what it said on the back.

Oh No!

Evil Glenn is in Japan!

UPDATE: I fixed the link. Don't know what I did wrong the first time...

Pope John Paul II (and Charlie)

Athough I am a Christian, I'm not a Catholic. So I don't consider the Pope to be any more infallible than the next man. However, I do believe that this pope is, or was a godly man. In that respect, I do mourn his severe illness, and impending death. I know that he has no fear of death, but that he is only holding on to life in appreciation of the glorious gift from God that it is.

I don't have any personal memories of John Paul II. Other than that he has held that office for nearly my entire life. I do appreciate the great things that he did in helping to defeat the Soviet Union, and I just wish that I could have met him and had a chance to talk to him, man to man. I think that would have been a good conversation...

But anyways, because I know that soon he will be in Glory. I offer this little joke that came to mind. There is no disrespect inteded in any way. But whenever I saw, in the news, anything about the Pope, I always thought of this little story.

Two friends were arguing in a bar one day. Charlie, the first guy, was saying how he knew everybody! There wasn't a person that he hadn't met.

Bob, even though he was his good friend, didn't believe him. "Charlie, you can't know everyone." He said. "I bet you don't know the Mayor."

Charlie said, "Sure I do." He pulls out his cell phone and dials a number. After a moment he said, "Hi, this is Charlie. Could you tell my friend Bob here who you are?"

He hands the phone to Bob. The voice on the phone was unmistakably the Mayor, who said to Bob, "How's my old friend Charlie treating you?" Bob is flabbergasted. He talks to the Mayor for a few moments before he handed the phone back.

"OK, you win that one. But I bet you don't know the President!" he challenged.

Charlie just grinned and dragged his friend out to the car. "We're going to DC." He said.

A few hours later, they pull up to the White House. The security guys had all waived Charlie through, but that hadn't impressed Bob. Just then, the President came out of the front door walking his dog. Charlie leaned out the window and waved. Then, to Bob's chagrin, the President walked right over to the car and talked with Charlie for a good fifteen minutes.

As they were driving away, Bob had to admit that Charlie was pretty well known. But he figured that maybe Charlie only knew people in the US. So he said, "I bet that you don't know the Pope!"

Charlie just grinned and drove to the airport. The next day, they were standing outside the Pope's residence. Charlie didn't think that he'd be able to get Bob in, since the security was so tight. But Bob agreed that if he saw the Pope and Charlie together in the Pope's window, then he would admit that Charlie knew everyone.

A short while later, Charlie walked out onto the balcony, arm in arm with the Pope. They waved to the crowds together, and Charlie looked down to find Bob. To his shock, Bob is lying, unconsious on the ground. He quickly rushed down to see what had happened to his friend.

"Are you alright?" He asked when Bob regained consiousness.

"Yeah. I'm OK." he replied. "But that was quite a shock."

"What? When you saw me up there with the Pope?" Charlie asked.

"No," said Bob. "What got me was when the guy standing next to me in the crowd said, 'Hey, who's that guy up there with Charlie?'"

I don't know why. But that joke always popped into my head whenever I saw anything about the Pope. And it always made me smile at least a little.

God Speed, Karol Wojtyla.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's April Fool's Day

Evil Glenn sat in the darkness of his evil lair and chuckled to himself. "Those fools at the Alliance of Free Bloggers have no idea what's in store for them," he thought. "Why, if they had the slightest clue as to what's coming, they'd be fleeing in terror."

"Woman! Bring me my gloating jacket!" he yelled to his Insta-Wife.

She walked into the room averting her eyes from the paisly colored tweed coat she was carrying. It looked as if someone had seen the outline of a professor's clothing, but had no idea of the actual style or texture. If you looked too closely, you could lose your soul completely. (Or at least your lunch.)

He slipped the offensive garment over his shoulders. "Ahhhh," he sighed. "All I have to do now is press the ENTER key on my master computer, and the prank to end all pranks will begin!"

He sauntered over to his desk, savoring every moment. For a minute, he stood staring at the twinkling lights of his computer array. All across the board, green lights signified that his plan was ready, and only waiting for his signal. Slowly, he extended one bony digit and reached towards the keyboard. "Soon," he murmered to himself, "I will be the greatest April Fools Prankster in the history of the world."

Ever closer came his finger to the fateful button, his whole body trembling with anticipation, until yielding to the tiniest bit of pressure, the button clicked.

Instantly, the entire computer went dark. Then a subtle flicker of yellow flames lit up from behind, the smoke that was beginning to billow out of the consol. The Dark Lord of the Blogsphere recoiled in terror. "What went wrong?" he screamed.

Behind him, he heard a scratching sound. He whirled to face the door and stared at a small silhouette in the bright rectangle of light. His eyes narrowed in rage. He knew that shape.

"CURSE YOU. SLINKY THE WONDER FERRET!!!" He bellowed, as the small shape scurried away. "I'll get you if it's the last thing I ever do!"

Sometime later, an amused GEBIV stood over a sleeping Slinky the Wonder Ferret curled up in his bed. "You lazy little thing." he said. "All you do is sleep in your little hammock all day while I have to work." He sighed. "Oh well, sweet dreams little guy. I'm going to go surf the web."

As Slinky's room-mate walked away to set up his laptop, he didn't see the little grin that tugged at the corner of the ferret's mouth. And even if he had, he would have never guessed what caused it.

OK. They had me for a second...

Sometimes Frank J. is too funny for his own good. While I didn't think he shut down IMAO, I was worried that he had been hacked, or just moved again. And Harvey's statement on the matter didn't help any.

I prefer "In My World"s where Chomps gets killed, to this though. Less strain on the heart.

IMAO better be back tomorrow! *shakes fist*