There's One, Only!

I believe this is how Congress wants us to think

Here at my family’s business, one of my main duties is to run the Car Wash. You know the guy who collects the money, enters the wash into the computer and pre-sprays the car before it gets sent through on the conveyor? That’s me. (On slow days, I’m also the person down at the other end of the car wash tunnel drying the cars off too… but only on really slow days.)

One of the few fringe benefits we can offer our employees at the other parts of the business, (bakery, mini-mart, gas station) are half off discounts on washing their cars. Any employee can get half off of any wash, from the $6.50 basic wash; to the top of the line, two re-wash included Triple Super Wash ($16.00, tax included). We don’t have a lot of non-family employees, but they all take advantage of the discount every other week or so. They’re happy to get something for a good price, we’re happy they’re still working.

You may ask, “What’s this all leading to?”

Good question.

Last week, at the end of her shift, one of our store employees pulled around to the car wash with a ½ off wash receipt for the top-of-the-line Triple Super. Three step wax (foam, high-pressure, sealer), rim and wheel cleaner, chassis bath and rust inhibitor, soap, water, hand dried – the works. With two pre-paid-at-a-massive-discount re-washes!

In fact, the only difference between the $16 Triple Super Wash and the regular $10 Super Wash is the pre-paid re-washes. The deal is you get a big discount on pre-paying for the re-washes. You pay only $16 for $30 worth of washes. The catch, you have to use them within 10 days.

If you buy this from me, I’ll ask you if you’re going to come back within the 10 days, because I’d rather you bought the $10 wash than spend $16 and feel like you paid for something you weren’t going to be able to use.

(Sorry for all the exposition, but it’s kind of important for the point of the story.)

So, as I enter the code into the wash computer, and start filling in the re-wash information, Marie (not her real name, but I like the name Marie… and I can imagine her talking in a sultry French accent. I’m also imagining someone who looks more like a young Audrey Hepburn, but that has no real bearing on the story.) says, “Oh, you don’t have to do that, I’m not going to use the re-washes.”

“Well, why didn’t you just get the regular Super Wash?” I asked.

“Because I get a bigger discount this way.”

…

I wasn’t speechless, but I did sputter a little bit as I tried to wrap my mind around how paying $8 was better than paying $5. And it took me several tries before I was able to convince Marie that while she was saving more off of the wash, she was paying more too.

*******
Later, this got me thinking about taxes (as, unfortunately, lots of things do) and how Congress wants us to think about them. They try to get us focused on the pittance they’re giving back to us, via the Spendulous Bill, and hope we don’t notice the massive increased tax burden they’re simultaneously imposing.

“Look!” they say. “We’re giving you back $400!”

“Yes,” we reply, “but you’re charging us $1000 more in taxes.”

“But, look! $400!” they keep saying, while waving the fanned bills at us. “Take it! You can spend it!”

“We could have spent the $1000 you took from us in the first place if you hadn’t taken it.” We argue.

“Ok. You win,” they say, with a chagrinned face, hoping you don’t notice the sly look in their eyes. “Here’s $500.”

“Gee, thanks… hey, why’s my tax increase $1200 now?”

I guess they’re hoping we don’t notice that last bit…

BOHICA*

After being reminded by Blogfather Harvey that I once used to have a blog, I looked around for something to get me writing again… and found my Property Tax Bill.

I won’t get into the horror of the actual numbers, but suffice to say, I live in one of the most expensive towns of one of the most expensive counties in the most expensive state, tax wise. For what I just voluntarily handed over to the government yesterday, I could have purchased a very large flat screen TV. And a PS3 to go with it.

I don’t escrow my taxes for the same reason no one should use withholdings for their income tax. (I do, but only because I really don’t have a choice.) You don’t get really mad about how much they’re taking from you when it’s spread out over a whole year.

(As an aside, a good thing to do is make your own escrow account in a Municipal Fund or some other guaranteed interest account. Pay 1/12th of your taxes into it each month, then at the end of the year, you can pay your taxes and keep the interest. It helps a little. That’s almost exactly what the bank’s doing for you when your taxes are escrowed with your mortgage, but they keep the interest instead.)

If everyone had to write a check on the 15th-17th of February (depending on weekends and holidays) I don’t think we’d have as much complacency about how much our state and local governments are spending our money.

Kinda appropriate that the President signed the Spendulous Bill yesterday. Since there was no way he was going to wait till April 15th, Property Tax Day made a pretty good stand-in for Income Tax Day.

*Bend over, here it comes again.

McCain ≠ “End of the World”

So, it’s looking like McCain is the presumptive nominee for the Republican Party. It could be worse. Not by much, but it could be…

See, what I’m thinking is that in order to regain some of the Conservative side of the party, McCain will have to pick a strong Conservative as Veep. Someone like Duncan Hunter. Or possibly, Fred Thompson.

And as Cheney has proved, we all know that the Vice President is the real power in Washington.

(A White House Press Conference, sometime in the future)

“President McCain, could you explain your sudden change on Border Control and your vetoing the very same Amnesty bill that you yourself sponsored when you were in the Senate?” All across the room, pencils were poised and microphones edged a little closer to the President.

McCain cleared his throat. “Ahem. As I was saying earlier, after a long, closed door meeting with the Vice President, we decided that this was the correct course of action.”

The reporter quickly responded with a follow-up, “But what made you change your mind?”

“I don’t need to explain that.” McCain replied a little warily, as subconsciously his hand went to a bruise on his cheek.

Another reporter stood up and asked, “Mr. President, what happened to your face?”

McCain glanced over to Vice President Thompson, standing next to the door to the press room. Thompson minutely shook his head as he frowned at the President.

“Er, ah…” McCain waffled for a moment as he thought. “I tripped and fell into a doorknob. No more questions.”

McCain quickly left the podium as the reporters pelted him with more questions. Quietly, Fred Thompson walked up to the microphones. “This press conference is now over. Any further questions can be given to our new Press Secretary.”

The first reporter turned to the Press Secretary. “You don’t look much like a Press Secretary. In fact, you look an awful lot like an angry Rottweiler in a tie…”

Hmm....

It seems that Damon, of Day by Day, got cut off while he was on the phone today.

I'm guessing that he thinks the Republican Plush Toy should be a Jackalope... right? A mythological creature that doesn't really exist, but is made up of the most rediculous parts of other animals. That has to be what he was talking about. Right?

There isn't some other animal that starts with 'Jacka' and resembles what the Republican party has started to represent? Right?

Something that made me laugh

...to myself, and not out loud. And in a kind of sad way.

The last customer for the carwash today had an amusing pairing of bumper stickers. On the one side of her license plate, FREE TIBET. And on the other, Hillary for President.

Now, I don't know what, if any, positions any of the current crop of Presidential candidates have on freeing Tibet from China. But I can't think of any that are more in the back pocket of the Chi-Coms than Hillary.

She's Running

You know, I could have sworn that waaaaaaaay back in 2006 when a certain person was running for Senate in NY, she promised that she would NOT run for President until at the very least, the end of her Senate term. (2012, for those who forgot that Senate seats last for 6 years.)

Isn't this breaking that promise?

Eh, what do I know? And why did I ever think that a Clinton would be telling the truth?

I guess now that there's a Democrat Governor of NY, instead of the RINO we used to have, she's not worried about the Dems loosing her seat. So that makes it OK for her to run now.

You know, that reminds me of a joke.

Every car in NY has a "Run, Hillary. Run." bumper sticker on it. Democtrats have it on the back bumper. Republicans have it on the front.

Well what do you know...

I'm not in Reynold's district. I thought I was last election (2 years ago) but I may be wrong. Or I may have been redistricted....

Or I may be crazy. House of Representative districts are so hard to figure out some times. Thanks to Gerrymandering!

I just wish that we had paper ballots here in New York sometimes. (We still use the big green lever machines) Because I'd love to do what Spacemonkey did and write myself in for all the unopposed races!

Well what do you know...

I'm not in Reynold's district. I thought I was last election (2 years ago) but I may be wrong. Or I may have been redistricted....

Or I may be crazy. House of Representative districts are so hard to figure out some times. Thanks to Gerrymandering!

I just wish that we had paper ballots here in New York sometimes. (We still use the big green lever machines) Because I'd love to do what Spacemonkey did and write myself in for all the unopposed races!

Hey, Guess What!

I'm one of those lucky people in Tom Reynolds' Congressional District! Oh Joy.

So the choice is between RINO, Tom Reynolds (And I don't hold any of the whole Foley scandal against him. From what I understood, he believed a friend's word that nothing un-ethical was going on. And was lied to.) and on the other hand, John Davis. Liberal.

And to make it worse, Mr. Reynolds has been running on a 'Vote for me! I can bring pork to the area!' campaign. I hate pork (The political kind. Not the bacon kind.... mmmmmmm bacon.) Even when it's brought home to Western New York. What we need isn't more public spending, Federal or otherwise. What we need is LESS TAXES!

I guess in this case it really does boil down to who I want in control of the House. Ain't no way I'm going to help put Ms. Pelosi, the Liberal's Liberal in charge of that.

But I'm voting Conservative, not Republican. Maybe that'll help a little bit with letting those guys know where they're getting the votes from. And who knows, maybe they'll actually listen to us the rest of the year....

Yeah, I'm not gonna hold my breath.

Look At Me! Look At Meeeee!!!!!!

I got a question answered by John Hawkins on Right Wing News for his Q&A Friday segment!

Well, actually, the question was something that my Dad asked me on Wednesday. But I did type it up and post it into Mr. Hawkins comments section of his Q&A Friday #47 post.

You know, this puts me right up there with such people as the askers of:

"Were you popular in High School?"

"What's your favorite drink?"

and

"Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Anderson?"

An answer to Netroots

Well, since the left seems to have been so successful in doing it (although come to think of it, they haven't actually won too many races from internet support), someone on the right finally got around to making an internet PAC. Rightroots. It's run by John Hawkins of Right Wing News. And as of typing this, they've already raised over $30,000! And that's in the less than a week that the site's been up.

Now I'll have to go check my piggy bank to see if it's got any change left in it...

GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!

If this were to happen a little more often, I might even start watching 'soccer' myself.

(By 'this' I mean more tinplated dictators taking a header...)

"Victory is possible."

Harvey, posting over at IMAO, asked for some alternates for the Democrats new slogan of "Victory is possible." I was just going to leave these in the comments, but since I got a little carried away (too much coffee this morning I think) I decided to make a post out of it. And leave the link over in his comments.

So, here's some alternates for the Dems. And yes, a lot of them don't make any sense to me any more either...

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me."

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home..."

"Rush is right, er...wing. Yeah, that's it. He's a rightwing whacko."

"Vote Democrat and win a free Ipod*"
(* Offer not valid in the US)

"Democrat. It's what's for dinner."

"Don't write us off yet."

"Back off man. We're Democrats."

"Democrats. The un-cola."

"Democrats. When it absolutely positively has to be bungled overnight."

"Vote Democrat or die."

"Democrats are Mmmmm Mmmmm good."

"The French won't like it if you vote against us..."

"Democrats. Because Hollywood is so much smarter than the rest of you."

"C'mon. Capitalism isn't really working. Is it?"

Fear the Stache! ...oh, wait.

It's too bad that the Nobel Peace Prize has been debased so much in the last few years; becoming not much more than an award for who bashes the U.S. the best.

'Cause The Stache just got nominated.

Maybe this means that the award will finally go to someone who helps promote not just peace, but a peace that doesn't involve laying down and getting run over by totalitarian dictators.

Either that, or it's all a clever plot to get President Bush to pull Bolton as Ambassador. After all, if Carter was awarded the Nobel Prize, and Bolton gets the Nobel Prize, then Bolton must be as bad at foreign policy as Carter! Therefore, Bolton should be removed as ambassador...

On the other hand, it could just be an indication that Bolton hasn't been hitting enough U.N. staffers. Maybe we should check up on that.

(Oops, I almost forgot. Hat tip to Frank J. at IMAO on this.)

John Kerry Advocates Terrorism Against Iraqi Civilians

In an interview with Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation, Senator John Kerry (Mass, D) was quoted as saying that the Iraqi soldiers the American forces are training in Iraq should be terrorizing the local population.

JOHN KERRY: I don't agree with that. But I think what we need to do is recognize what we all agree on, which is, you've got to begin to set benchmarks for accomplishment; you've got to begin to transfer authority to the Iraqis, and there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the -- of -- of -- of -- historical customs, religious customs, whether you like it or not. Iraqis should be doing that.

There you have it. Not only is John Kerry saying that American troops are terrorizing Iraqi citizens, (and he's wrong on that) but he's saying that it is something the new Iraqi Army should be doing. I guess he really does think that things were better under Saddam when this kind of thing was common place....

Check out Rush's take on the interview. I was listening at work, and started laughing right before he cut off the playback and said the same thing about Kerry.

It should be interesting to see what Kerry's spin masters try to do with this... if what he actually said gets analyzed in the same way a Republican Senator's words would.

I'm so ashamed...

I only voted once in today's elections.

I know that some people are so full of patriotic zeal that they go and vote two, three, sometimes four times. And others believe so much in civic duty that they even vote after they've been dead. For years.

I, on the other hand, didn't even think of going back and voting again until just now. And since the polls close in 20 minutes, I probably couldn't get there in time anyways. (I'm really slow at putting on my shoes and jacket...)

I am such a failure at being a citizen.

Don't forget!

Tomorrow is election day! (Or if you're reading this tomorrow, then today is election day. If you're reading this the day after tomorrow, then you missed your chance to vote... and you might be in a cheesy end of the world movie.)

I know that it's a doubly off-year election, but it can still be very important to vote. I know that here in New York, we have Proposal 1 to defeat if we want to retain the semblance of any control of our taxes. (And don't ask me why it's Proposal 1 instead of Proposition 1, no one I talked to could figure that one out. Although it may have something to do with the fact that it's a proposed change in the state's constitution.)

Anyways, go vote. We live under a representative government - which is probably the best one devised so far for any group of people larger than a small village - but we still need to hold our representatives accountable for their decisions and actions at every chance we get.

So one more time: Go vote!

My thoughts on the Miers nomination.

Well, even though I'm no political pundit, I'll give you my two cents worth on President Bush's nomination of Harriet Miers for the Supreme Court.

I'll start off by saying that she wouldn't have been my first pick. Since the first I ever heard of her was when her name became the headline in the paper, that's not too surprising. I'd probably have leaned more towards someone I had some sort of name recognition for. But since, as I said before I'm no political pundit, there weren't a lot of names that I was familiar with. Maybe Janice Rogers Brown, or that Alito guy. People who's names I've seen on some of the more political blogs. (I wouldn't have minded seeing Ann Coulter nominated either, just to watch the Left have a collective aneurysm.)

Yeah, I've got a lot of weight behind my decisions...

I guess it boils down to the fact that I wasn't elected President of the United States, so I really don't get to pick any Supreme Court Justices. And just because I voted for the guy who is President doesn't mean he has to do everything exactly the way I want. If that was the case, I would be President.

But President Bush better watch out, if he gets too many people mad at him, he'll never get re-elected in 2008.

Listening to the political junkies out there, one almost gets the feeling that they think that the President is making his Supreme Court picks by placing an ad with e-Harmony, that internet marriage broker.

Married White President, seeks Judicial nominee. Should be someone I already know very well. A minority or woman a plus, but not necessary. Only serious inquiries please. No political baggage please. - GWB

On the other, more serious hand, the President is known for being the kind of person who likes to have the best possible people around him. If that is the case, then cronyism or not, the people nearest to him may be way up on his list of choices because of their existing competence. For all of former FEMA director Michael Brown's problems with the media and looking like a crony pick of the President, he did do a very admiral job on three or four hurricane relief jobs before New Orleans. And even then, his biggest mistake was looking stupid on TV.

Anyways, that's my two cents on the whole matter. You can keep the change.

It's Primary Elections Day in New York!

Of course your party has to have two candidates for the same office if you want to be able to vote. And since the Republican Party either has only one candidate, or more likely - none, for any of the available offices, I wasn't.

I did go in and look around anyways at what would have been my polling place. It was pretty empty, as there was only two districts voting today. And again, since I'm a registered Republican (I'm eeeeeeevil, Mwa ha ha ha ha!) I couldn't vote. But they did let me look at one of the paper ballots they were using.

It looked a lot like someone drew a picture of the regular voting booth but where the little flip lever would have been, there was a little circle that had to be filled in. Kind of like one of those bubble-sheets from school. Except what I understand is that they don't have a scanning machine like my high-school did. All those ballots will have to be counted by hand.

So, hopefully, they will have a candidate by the time the regular election rolls around...

Walter Williams at his best

Found over at Right Wing News, (and through Conservative Grapevine) is a year's worth of quotes from Walter Williams. This guy is smart. And eloquent.

Read each and every one! Some of them are worth reading twice.

nited Nation

It's time to get the U.S. out of the United Nations!

Go to Bad Example for the code, and Steve the Pirate for the origin of this new blogroll.

From the comics

Every day, at some point, I like to read the comics. I'd even go so far as to say that my day isn't complete until I've read them. But I don't read the paper, so I get my comics fix from Comics.com.

I actually get a lot more comics than are offered in my local paper and only have to miss a couple of the ones that are offered in the paper. Like Cathy. Not a big loss there.

But one of the things that I've noticed is that there is a slight Liberal slant to a lot of the comics. Not a real surprise. But I'll also be the first to admit to some of them having a definite Conservative angle. B.C. immediately jumps to mind.

All of this leads me to something that's popped up in the last couple of weeks. After the Supreme Court ruled that it was Constitutional for local governments to take your property away as long as they were going to get more taxes, several comics have had plots revolving around that issue. But they all are coming from the point that it's the BIG BUSINESSES who are the bad guys. And that they are being backed by the evil Republicans.

What they don't seem to realize is that it's the BIG GOVERNMENT that is the bad-guy here. The Liberals in the Supreme Court basically allowed a law that is against the Fifth Amendment on the basis of more taxes being de-facto good for the public. Basically saying that it is alright for the local government to force you to sell your property even if it is going to another private owner or larger business, as long as more tax revenue will probably be generated.

If this was an issue forced by Conservatives, the whole law would be that local government could not prevent someone from selling their home to a big business as long as both parties agree to the contract.

This has actually been a problem in some of the suburbs of Buffalo in recent years. A couple of the 'burbs, with images to maintain have successfully prevented some of the larger businesses, like Wal-mart, Tops, and Target from putting up new sites. Usually by not allowing them zoning approval, but sometimes by direct legal action.

And just this last week, one town passed a low banning drive-thrus at new businesses. (The McDonalds gets grand-fathered in, and can keep their's.) The only businesses that this will hurt are the proposed Starbucks and Tim Horton's. Although, some also want to use it to remove the bank drive-thru tellers as well.

Ostensibly, this was promoted as a way to "maintain the image of the town." But one of the leading proponents, on local radio, said that it was a way to reduce vehicle emissions in the town. Apparently, sitting in line idling for 5 minutes causes more greenhouse gases than finding a parking-spot, turning off the car, restarting it 10 minutes later after waiting in line inside the store, restarting the car (when most of the wear and tear is done to an engine), and then trying to back out while 2 more people are trying to get into your parking spot. Yeah, that cuts a lot of emissions.

The best part of that interview was when the host commented that if she wanted to cut down on her driving that was one thing, but did she really think that she had the right to tell others what to do, she replied, "Of course." Basically the same old I'm smarter than you, so do what I say. mentality.

Let's not use a dignified picture...

Just surfing around checking out reactions to President Bush's Nomination of John Roberts, and I came across this little photo at Yahoo!

Interesting that this is what they consider using as their stock photo of the President being "tight lipped" about his upcoming nominee.

Yeah, no bias there.

Happy Independence Day!

I was thinking earlier about some of the things that make the United States' Independence so special. I'm not an historical expert, although I would truely like to be. But these are my observations on the subject.

To put it as succinctly as I can, our Independence should never have happened. The U.S. shouldn't exist as it is today.

First of all, the American Revolution shouldn't have succeeded. Even granting that we were a community of gun owners, where a significant percentage of the population was familiar with and competent to use them. That still should not have been sufficient to defeat the world's super-power of the time.

I know that some people point to the fact that America was across an ocean from England, who grew tired of fighting an overseas war. But that didn't stop them when in India and China, their populations revolted in later years. I may be missing some comparisons, but simply being across an ocean wasn't the limiting factor of England's strength.

During the American Revolution, the Colonial Army was out matched at nearly every turn. General Washington lost nearly every battle, but somehow managed to keep his army intact. He managed to win the right battles, especially the last one. But militarily, it just seems that it shouldn't have happened.

But it was after the war had been won that the real miracle happened.

Let's step back a little bit for a moment. In my school, the American Revolution was covered along with the rest of America history. One semester was spent covering everything from the founding of Jamestown to the Civil War. We learned the names of the founding fathers, an approximate time line of events, and just a little more about the creation of our nation. The writing of the Constitution was covered in a couple of days.

The French Revolution, however, received an entire semester to itself. It took me a long time to understand why. The reason is pretty simple, the French Revolution is typical of almost all revolutions. When it was all over, you ended up with the same old power structure, just different guys at the top. So if you wanted to understand the average revolution, you studied France.

But in America, something different happened. The group of people who ran the revolution, set up a system that wasn't exclusively for the purpose of keeping themselves in control. Sure, there were some power struggles between groups, but no one had the desire or ability to set themselves up as dictators. The closest that anyone came to that was the serious offer to George Washington to set him up as a lifetime leader, practically a new king. Fortunately, he turned down the offer.

From all of that, we were given a government that was based on the idea that power was derived from the people and that government should be for the people. But most importantly, the document that they created that government with was founded on the idea that people's rights were inherent, and that government should be limited in how it affects them.

Before then, all rights were granted by a government to it's citizens. But for the first time, the reverse was true. People were granting the government the right to do certain things, and no more. The amazing thing was that the founding father's shouldn't have wanted to do that. They were limiting the very government that they were running! To paraphrase a line from the book, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy this should have been impossible.

But we got lucky. The usual things didn't happen. We didn't end up the way almost every nation that underwent a revolution did. We actually got a better government than when it all started.

So here's to the birthday of The United States of America! A special place that should have been impossible.

What's good for the goose...

Oh, this is too good.

To steal a phrase from Shakespere (and recently, Rich Galen of Mullings) Souter has been "hoist on his own petard."

In a press release earlier today, Logan Darrow Clements of Freestar Media annouced that he was requesting permission to build a hotel called "The Lost Liberty Hotel" on the site of Supreme Court Justice David Souter's current home. And apparently, this isn't merely a joke or a protest. Clements is seeking investors to help build the hotel.

I think this is what they call poetic justice.

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha. (sorry about that)

I heard this on Rush earlier today, and almost crashed my jeep, I was laughing so hard.

UPDATE: I just found a satire done earlier this week by The Therapist. Along the same line, but with Ruth "Vader" Ginsburg as the target. I remembered reading the story, but couldn't remember where I saw it. (Hat tip Conservative Grapevine.)

David, the wackiest Liberal

Listening to Rush today and I just heard the wackiest Liberal ever. The caller, a "doctor" named David, parroted every moonbat theory under the sun:

* We went to war for Halliburton.

* Bush should be tried at the Hauge for war-crimes.

* Rush is part of the American Talliban.

* "Religion is the opiate of the masses" - Karl Marx.

* The Downing St. memo!!!!!!

* Bush has a low I.Q.

I may have the order of the moonbattery mixed up a little. But those were some of the points he brought up. And as Rush refuted each of the points David tried to make, he just got wackier.

He also had "proof" that God doesn't exist. Namely, God designed the human body with "flaws" that he, David, would not have made. (Like the menstral cycle, and bowel movements.) Even Rush thought that was a funny enough comment to repeat it after the commercial.

I find your lack of faith disturbing...

I love Cox & Forkum! Those guys do some really great work.

This cartoon is hillarious! It cracks me up so much that I've gone back to it several times today to get a good chuckle.

Enjoy!

A Question!

Q. What is the most dangerous politcal trend facing America today: Ignorance or Apathy?

A. Don't know. Don't care.

The Ides of April

Ohmygod!

I almost forgot!

Today is BUY A GUN DAY III!

So remember the Buy a Gun Day Motto: Annoy a Liberal. Buy a Gun!

I've been a little busy, but I vow to buy a gun! (I'll have to when I get my pistol permit)

"Kitchen Sink"

I'm sure that a lot of you have seen the AARP Social Security commercial where a middle-aged woman with a clogged drain has her house torn down in an effort to fix it.

The tagline for the commercial is:

If you had a problem with the sink, you wouldn’t tear down the entire house. So why dismantle Social Security when it can be fixed with just a few moderate changes?

Which is then followed by the usual "payed for by the AARP" stuff.

My first response to this commercial was "A clogged drain! That's how bad you think the problem is?"

To be fair, no one would tear down an entire house just to fix a clogged drain. (Unless of course, the house was owned by any government beurocracy. In which case the house would not only be torn down, but the new one would be built five years behind schedule, at a cost over-run of over 200%. But that's not the point.)

On the other hand, one wouldn't simply slap a coat of paint on a house with a massive termite infestation in the foundation. And that seems to be what the AARP seems to suggest with their "few moderate changes."

And then, they are always taking different parts of the President's plan out of context in order to cast each in the worst possible light.

First, they'll say that by "privatizing" part of the social security funds, there won't be enough money to pay all of the benefits, and that the plan will cause a deficit of trillions of dollars.

Then, they'll say that he is planning on cutting benefits, for no apparent reason.

What they don't want anyone to know, is that the returns on investments from the "privatized" parts of social security will more than cover any decreased benefits. Plus, if more people have proper retirement savings, they shouldn't need any social security for themselves at all. And less people using the system, makes it that much more viable.

Bi-Partisan?

E-mailed to me from my blogless brother Culbrez

I did not think it could be done, but...

FINALLY someone has come out with A 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper
sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:

"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Hillary Moves Right(?)

The front page of the Buffalo (Liberal) News today is covered with pictures of Sen. Clinton. And it's talking about how she is "paving a 'third way' between conservatism and liberalism."

And the caption under this picture is just priceless.

Sen Clinton's supporters, and even some Republicans who have worked with her, say she's dismantling a liberal image that was faulty from the beginning.

First, I wouldn't trust what a New York RINO has to say about Hillary as far as I could throw a buick.

Secondly, the only thing that makes that caption even come close to being truthful is that Hillary isn't merely a liberal. She's practiacally a communist.

Remember her speach where she said, "We're going to take things away from you for the common good."? Marx would have been so proud.

The plot to assassinate a reporter?

I’ve been slightly keeping track of the whole mess with Giuliana Sgrena, the Italian reporter/hostage being wounded at a roadblock checkpoint, and an Italian Intelligence Officer, Nicola Calipari, being killed.

Sgrena is claiming that this was an intentional act by American forces. That it was an assassination attempt.

She’s quoted as saying:

"I believe, but it's only a hypothesis, that the happy ending to the negotiations must have been irksome. The Americans are against this type of operation. For them, war is war, human life doesn't count for much." "when they let me go, it was a difficult moment for me because they told me, `The Americans don't want you to return alive to Italy.'"

Of course many Americans believe this to be a load of tripe. I particularly like Blackfive’s comment on the matter:

She fails to understand that she and the other Italian agent survived. The shooting stopped when the car stopped being a threat. If the US (or the troops at the checkpoint for that matter) wanted her dead, the car would have been blown to bits and you would have needed the guys from CSI to identify the remains of the Italians.

The point Blackfive makes here, is that if American forces wanted her dead, she would be dead. There was no reason for the soldiers to stop shooting if they knew it was her and were targeting her. How can something that obvious be so hard for them to see?

There are many other problems with the theory that this was an intentional act, but to me it boils down to the fact that the soldiers stopped shooting. The Italians didn’t escape from an ambush, or turn around and run from the roadblock. The car was stopped, and then the firing stopped.

And then our soldiers administered medical treatment. Not exactly the behavior you would expect towards someone you intended to kill.

It’s a shame that a man died because of the mistakes that occurred, but saying that this was intentional is downright criminal.

Sorry for being serious. I’ll go back to inane postings later. But I had to put my feelings about this into words.

Congressman Foot-in-mouth

Maurice Hinchey (D, NY), the Congressman who recently made the charge that Karl Rove planted the forged documents at CBS, was on Sean Hannity’s radio program this afternoon. While I didn’t get to listen to the whole show (I was only able to catch bits between customers), it doesn’t appear that Mr. Hinchey has improved his position much.

I’m not sure if Mr. Hinchey agreed to be on Hannity’s show to apologize for his accusation, or to defend it, but he didn’t really seem to do much of either. He repeatedly refused to answer Hannity’s questions about having any proof, or questions about the appropriateness of the statement in the first place.

Then later in the segment, Hannity mentioned several times that Mr. Hinchey had threatened his career during one of the commercial breaks. When asked if he would apologize for this statement, he refused. He also frequently denied making a threat, but would not clarify what he meant when Hannity asked him to explain his statements.

Did anyone else hear this? I don’t know what the rules pertaining to recording studio conversations during a commercial break are, but if the threat of intending to ruin Hannity’s career are true, where does that fall in with infringing on Hannity’s freedom of speech? We are talking about a congressman who threatened a radio broadcaster.

This might also get mentioned on Hannity and Colmes tonight, but at work, I don’t get FOX News. So if they talk about it, someone please let me know.

I’m just glad that he’s not my congressman. It’s bad enough he’s from my state. But at least he’s from the other end…

Happy Birthday, Mr. President

Today would have been Ronald Reagan's 94th birthday. He is being remembered across the nation that he helped persevere against communism.

He even got his own stamp.

Hey, we could even merge him in with Washington and Lincoln on President's Day.

I just wish that I was a little older, so that I might have been able to appreciate him when I could still let him know how good a President I think he was...

/ramble

God Help Us All.

If you ever get the chance, I strongly recommend listening to Sean Hannity’s radio program (3PM-6PM) on WABC Radio. If you none of your local radio stations are affiliated with them (like mine aren’t) you can listen to streaming audio here.

Every Thursday, Sean has one of his associates, Flipper, go down and interview New Yorkers as a “Man on the Street� segment. I unabashedly stole the tagline for the segment to use as the title for this post. “God Help Us All.�

Today, for whatever reason, Flipper was interviewing a group of drama students. One, when asked if she knew what a tsunami was, thought that it was some famous actor. Really.

But the showstopper was a young man who was asked if he knew the name of the Vice-President. He didn’t, but answered, “I know that this coming November, I’m voting for the Vice-President who’s running against Bush too.�

Hannity had to end the segment there for a commercial break, but I think he just didn’t have the heart to tell the kid that the election was last November.

It took me five minutes to stop laughing.

&@#$^!*

This is the kind of thing that almost makes me curse out loud.

What kind of thinking makes you put RIGHT ANSWER and WRONG ANSWER on a poll question? (I underlined it for emphasis) Personally, I choose "I don't like this poll."

I guess this takes push polling to a whole new level...

Incidentally, I found this while following some links I got from a Boots and Sabers article about a man trying to defend his home.

PGHA: Dan's New Job

Now that Dan Rather has officially announced that he is leaving CBS, many people are wondering what new job he’ll be going to.

Obviously, he can’t just retire and live off of his pension. After he gets around to paying off all of the fines and penalties for some of his on-air statements, he’ll be lucky to keep his house.

So I decided to put together a brief list of occupations where I could see him ending up.

Assistant Zookeeper: After all, he has to be used to shoveling it by now…

Stable Boy: See above.

American Communist Party Chairman: See above.

Democratic National Committee Chairman: This way he would still be able to get paid for saying slanderous things and generally lying about the DNC opponents. This job would require the least amount of re-training for him. And oh yeah, see above.

Kinkos Representative: “For copies better than originals, use Kinkos� (Actually, I saw this as a photoshop somewhere and couldn’t resist using it.)

Dark Lord of the Blogsphere: Since the rumor is that Evil Glenn will be taking his place as CBS News Anchor, someone will need to fill the vacancy left by Instapundit. Oh wait, that would be our job. Scratch that one…

Crash Test Dummy: It’s not like he’s using his head for anything anyways…

Late Night Show Punchline: “…and this was the worst blizzard in New York history. In other news, Dan Rather has stated that we will be having the mildest and sunniest winter ever this year…� (OK, so that one didn’t work as well as I hoped. There’s a reason why I’m not working late night shows yet.)

Hat Rack: See “Crash Test Dummy�

Well, that’s all I could come up with. Sorry if some of those seemed a little callous and insulting. They were all meant to be.

See. We are doing the right thing.

What do you know, free democratic elections actually took place, and yesterday, the first freely elected leader of Afghanistan was sworn in.

Hat tip to Knowledge is Power.

The LEFT and their tolerance...

There is a good summation of all of the leftist cartoonists who have been trying to lampoon Dr. Rice's (I can't spell her first name, and I won't demean her here by calling her Condi) appointment to Secretare of State over here at Democracy Project.

Isn't it wonderfull the things that minority loving Leftists have to say about a black woman being in one of the most powerful positions in the world...

(Democracy Project has already been Installanched. But I thought that I'd mention this to my four or five readers too.)

That Waskally George W.

Good article over here at Mullings about the headstrong, unilateral actions of a certain George W.

Still too close to tell...

But I am starting to feel cautiously optimistic...

Too bad I have to vote in New York, so my vote for the President never counts for the electoral college.

Come to think of it, the only person I've ever voted for that won was the President four years ago. I've never even had my choice for Senator or Representative count either.

Oh well, at least I helped with the popular vote.

A little Sanatra to set the mood...

Here's a little remake of an old Frank Sanatra song which kind of explains why terrorists couldn't pull off another airplane hijacking again...

Yeah, that's about how I felt right after 9/11.

PGHA: October Surprise

Kerry predicts DOOM if not elected.

AP News, Washington D.C.- At a speech given earlier today, John F. Kerry, professional Vietnam Veteran, Presidential Candidate and sometimes U.S. Senator, made a statement which many media pundits are claiming is his October Surprise.

“I’m through with pandering to the swing voter. I’m done with promising this and that to everyone without getting any votes in return. Enough is enough. If you won’t vote for me because I promise to give you goodies, maybe you little peons will respond to threats.

“As of hear and now, I am calling upon my Salem witch ancestors to bring a curse upon the land. If George W Bush is re-elected I will blot out the sun and the moon and cause a pestilence to spread throughout the nation.

“To prove my powers, tonight during the World Series, I will cause a great shadow to fall across the moon. This is just a warning, so the moon will come back tonight. But if you fail to elect me on November 2nd, the sun and the moon will be forever banished from the republic, and a plague of 60 days and 60 nights will descend upon the people.

“Remember, this can only be avoided if you elect me the President of the United States. If not there will be doom. DOOM!�

The Bush campaign has responded that the Lunar Eclipse scheduled for tonight is a purely natural phenomenon, and is absolutely no indication of supernatural powers by either candidate. They also stressed that the occurrence of the Eclipse is not a sign of the Apocalypse.

However, when pressed on the issue, they couldn’t rule out the fact that the Red Sox winning the World Series might actually be one of the signs mentioned in the Bible in the book of Revelations. One un-named source from the President’s campaign was quoted “We can all hope that the curse of the Bambino continues, and that the end of the world as we know it is not at hand.�

PGHA: Kerry's Cabinet Appointments

Here are my theories as to who John Kerry would appoint to a few various Cabinet posts:

Secretary of Defense: Kofi Annan. (That way you don’t have to waist time with the U.N. requesting U.S. troops for something. He can send them right away with no extra paperwork.)

Secretary of Transportation: Teddy Kennedy. (After all, who else knows the deplorable consequences of poor road and bridge maintenance.)

Secretary of Education: Michael Moore. (Hey this guy’s got propaganda down to a science. It won’t be too hard for him to come up with a nicely liberal education agenda.)

Attorney General: Bill Clinton. (Who else knows more about how people abuse the legal system; and when someone should be investigated.)

National Security Advisor: Jacque Chiraq. (Because France has obviously had a better idea of world events and terrorist threats than anyone else.)

Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton (Because then she only has to bump off four people to get to the White House. And really, any job that keeps her out of the country as much as possible is a good thing.)

Secretary of the Treasury: Teresa Heinz Kerry (Because she has so much money, she must know how it all works. And he really doesn’t want Hillary to be in charge of the Secret Service.)

Secretary of Homeland Security: Dan Rather (Because terrorism should be a nuisance, and no one knows more about being a nuisance than Dan Rather.)

PGHA: Kerry's Sensitive War on Terror

Once again, the call went out across the blogsphere. The Alliance was mobilizing to finally answer the ultimate question. What the heck did John Kerry mean when he said that he would fight a “more sensitive war on terror?�

Fortunately, I knew a way that I could find out. I dug the Daydream Reader™ out of my Box Of Really Cool Stuff®. With just a few modifications, I figured that this would be able to let me see what Kerry’s vision of the future was like.

I quickly went to work, and after crossing 3 wires, adding a blender, a welding mask (to make it a Virtual Reality Helmet), and four 9-Volt batteries, I had adapted the D. Readerâ„¢ to be a Democratic Unreality Helmetâ„¢.

Once I had the D.U.H. in place, I programmed in the D.R.E.A.D. (Democrats Reigning Eternally, Alternate Dimension) setting, and set the target time for 6 months into the future.

**********************************************

Immediately, the image of the interior of the Oval Office appeared. President Kerry was yelling into the phone on his desk.

“I know that the order was for blue drapes. But that was yesterday. Now I want purple drapes. I don’t care what you have in stock. If you don’t get me what I want, I’ll have the Vice-President sue you like there was no tomorrow.� With that, he slammed the phone down on the desk. “Stupid contractors. Think their Unions can protect them. Hah.�

Just then, an intern stuck her head in through the door. “Mr. President, the Secretary of State is here to see you.�

“Send her in.�

The door closed, and then a few moments later reopened and in walked Hillary Clinton. “John,� she said. “I’ve got good news and bad news.

“First, almost all of the troops are pulled out of Iraq, and they’ve only suffered 25% casualties since you banned the use of ammunition for the frontline troops. With the rest of Europe getting ready to invade… I mean help with winning the peace, the Iraqi “freedom fighters� are mostly saving their bullets for later.

“But there have been 5 bombings of U.S. Embassies in predominantly Moslem countries, two cruise liner high-jackings, and someone claims to have planted a nuclear bomb at Mt Rushmore.�

“Hmm…� he said, furrowing his forehead in concentration as much as his Botox injections would allow. “And what’s the bad news?�

“Were almost completely out of caviar in the Cabinet break room.�

“What!?� He punched a button on his intercom. “Quick! Send for Madam Zeroni.� He disconnected the call. “This can not be tolerated. Do we know the cause?�

“Well,� Hillary answered. “It seems that due to all of the terrorist activities in the Baltic Region, caviar production has almost ground to a halt.�

“When I said that we needed to get back to where terrorism was an inconvenience, I didn’t mean to me! We have to do something about this.

“Ah, good. You made it.� He said to the large woman in the voluminous robe who was entering the room. “We need your help. There have been certain terrorist actions that have hurt us, and we need you to help us. I want you to contact your spirits and find out who and where those terrorists are.�

“Just one moment, Mr. President…� she said as she started to go into a trance. “The terrorists who attacked the American troops are…�

“No. It’s not them I want.� He interrupted.

“Then, the terrorists who bombed the U.S. Embassies are in…� She was cut off again.

“Stop. Not them either.�

“The terrorists who planned the high-jacked ships are…�

“You’re wasting my time.� He interjected again. “They’re not who I want.�

“The ones who planted the bomb?� She inquired timidly.

“No.�

“The one’s planning your assassination?�

“No- wait, what was that again?�

“There are seven terrorists in the downtown D.C. area who are planning your assassination as we speak. Would you like to know about them?� she asked with a small smirk.

“Oh, them. We know all about them. We’re trying to tie them to a right-wing conspiracy before we round them up. They’re no threat.� He said.

“Well then,� she said, a little testily, “What did you want me for?�

“We need to know where the terrorists who are disrupting the caviar industry are.� He explained.

She resumed her trance, and a few minutes later had given the President and Secretary of State the names and descriptions of the terrorists. “Are you going to send the Special Forces after them now?� she asked.

“No. We don’t do any of that cowboy stuff.� He said. “Hillary here will get together with her coven and curse them into oblivion. She’s no good at that clairvoyant stuff, that’s why we needed you. But give her a target, and she’s one of the best cursers around.�

**********************************************

With that, I pulled the D.U.H. off of my head and scratched my chin in wonder. I hadn’t realized that when he said he’d wage a “more sensitive war on terror,� he was talking about spiritual sensitives.

Can’t say I was surprised about Hillary being a witch though.

Wow

Zell Rocks! I'm glad that he's not running for president this year. After reading this, I would probably have to break my tradition of not voting for Democrats for President.

On second thought, I wouldn't mind voting for him in 2008...

Hat tip to Frank J.

PGHA: Advice from the Middle East

Earlier this morning, I just happened to intercept an e-mail to professional Vietnam Veteran and Presidential Candidate, John Kerry from one of his supporters.

It was an accident! I swear! I didn’t do anything illegal. It just showed up in my mailbox. Besides, by the time you get the warrant, I’ll have deleted all of the software anyways.

But without any further ado, here is the letter that I “found.�

From: muqti81@jihad.com

Date: October 6, 2004

To: sweethotpants@ussenate.gov

Subj: Campaign Suggestions

John,

I heard that you and your “buddy� Edwards are having a little trouble dealing with that Bush-Hitler fellow. Here’s a little advice that I think will help.

Whenever I have any competition with the leaders of my people, what I do is invite them to meet me in some out of the way place. Then as soon as there are no witnesses around… Oh wait, Ossama says that he’s tried that with Bush-Hitler and those pesky Secret Service Agents keep getting in the way.

Oh, by the way, Ossama says “Hi.�

OK, I guess that you’ll have to try something else. How about this. Whenever I have to face off against the Americans, I promise everything that they want to hear, but I keep my fingers crossed behind my back so that I can go back on whatever I said. (Silly infidels) When Bush-Hitler wants to debate you, just agree to all of the rules he asks for, and then do whatever you want. He’ll be so busy trying not to look like the bad guy that they won’t make any fuss at what you’re doing. And you don’t need to keep your word to him because no one would believe his side of the story anyways.

Ooh, here’s a good one from Ossama. Call him the “Great Satan� whenever he does something you don’t agree with. (I guess in Ossama’s case, that includes breathing.)

Another thing that I found, is that if you keep all of your guns and bombs in Holy places, they almost never find them. So if you have any secrets that you don’t want Bush-Hitler to get his hands on, I suggest hiding them in your family holy book. I guess that would be a Bible or something for you, but I would suggest using a Qu’ran. Your media won’t say anything bad about a Moslem in your country.

That’s another thing you could do. Convert. If your not too attached to your old religion it’s pretty easy. Just change your name, wrap your women up in a burkah, (an added benefit in Teresa’s case) and there you go. Just think of all of the free press you would get. And anytime the Bush-Hitler disagrees with you. Just call the infidel a religious bigot.

Ossama wants me to say, “Call him Bush-Hitler!� Stupid Ossama. We’ve been doing that for months already. But hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Remember, if you say something enough, the Mainstream Media will believe it has to be true.

Back to the guns and bombs thing, if you have a bunch of not-too-bright followers, the best thing to do is give them a lot of ammunition, a target, and very little support. In your case, I guess that your ammunition would be all of the lies you keep making up about him. Arm a bunch of your not-to-bright followers and just throw them at your opponent. Eventually, either you’ll run out of followers, or you’ll take him down. What have you got to lose? If you don’t win your election, you won’t have any followers anyways.

Ossama’s bugging me again. He says not to keep saying Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. I guess he doesn’t want everyone focusing on him again. I keep telling him not to worry. If you win, you’ll never actually try to catch him. Because to your supporters, just chasing Ossama is “fighting the war on terror.� If you actually caught him, then you would have to do something actually productive. And we know that our mutual friends from Paris wouldn’t like that.

One last thing that I think you should do. Keep talking up the numbers of US soldiers killed in Iraq. I like that 90% number that John-boy Edwards used in his debate. But don’t let them talk about the Iraqi policemen who are killed. We both know that they don’t count, even though my friends and I have killed hundreds of them. Anyways, keep crying about the US soldiers getting killed and I’ll do whatever I can to see that the number keeps going up. That should help your poll numbers a lot.

Keep in touch. And remember, if you get elected, I’m one foreign leader who would love to help you govern Iraq.

Yours truly,

Muqtada al-Sadr

P.S. Ossama would like to know if you could send him some more ketchup. He’s almost out, and the goat-meat is starting to get a little ripe. You know which cave to send it to. Thanks.

I guess that if we see any more of these strategies popping up, we’ll know where they came from.

We’ll also know that I wasn’t able to intercept accidentally get all of the copies of this letter.

Pre-Debate Rules

Just a little pre-debate cartoon humor, courtesy of the geniuses Cox and Forkum.

(Warning: Not safe for anyone with a liberal reading over their shoulder.)

Kerry was at the signing?!?!

The blogsphere is abuzz with several people saying that Kerry is lying about being in Safwan for the signing of the armistice to end the First Gulf War.

Well, Alphapatriot has proof that the bloggers are wrong. Kerry was there at the signing! (Warning: Extreme Drink Alert in Effect!)

Hat tip John of Castle Argghhh! for the link to Alphapatriot.
Hat tip to SMASH for the link to Captain Ed.

Celebrity Interview

In a There’s One, Only! first, I managed to land an interview with a Kerry Campaign insider. This person has access to all of the Kerry Campaign Think Tank members and is willing to share her information with the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my interview with Olga, the night janitor at the Kerry ’04 Campaign. (What do you want from me? I’m no Frank J., this is about as big a political personage as I’m likely to get.)

GEBIV: So Olga, tell us a little about yourself.

Olga: Well. I was recently hired as the nighttime Sanitation Supervisor for the Kerry Campaign Headquarters. I guess they had to fire the last one after she and Mrs. Heinz-Kerry got into a little argument.

GEBIV: Do you know what it was about?

Olga: From what I heard from the rest of the staff, my predecessor complained of all of the ketchup stains on the carpet in the break room.

GEBIV: And they fired her for that?

Olga: No, they fired her because she said that they should use Hunt’s, because it would be easier to clean up.

GEBIV: Ouch. Not what you want to say to Teresa! So, what information do you have for us about the Kerry Campaign?

Olga: Nothing very up to date, I’m afraid. Most of my information is at least 24 hours old, so it usually has no relationship to what they are doing right now.

GEBIV: I can see what you mean. But how are you getting your information?

Olga: Usually from the trash cans in the conference room. They always have to throw out the previous day’s strategy when they start work each day.

GEBIV: But while that wouldn’t give you much idea of what they are going to do tomorrow, that kind of information would be interesting for telling us where they stood yesterday. Something that can be quite confusing without a score-card of some sort.

Olga: Yes. Exactly. For example, during the CBS Rathergate Memo scandal, I was able to track their policy as it shifted from condemning the President, to claiming no knowledge of the story, to condemning CBS, to supporting Dan Rather, to vowing never having talked to Burkett, to saying that they only talked briefly on the phone.

GEBIV: Wow. Kind of like they don’t know when to stop zig-zagging.

Olga: That’s right. And at the same time, Kerry went from supporting the war on terror and the US allies, to saying that the US doesn’t have any allies, to saying that the US has only puppet allies, to saying that he is the only one who can get allies to join us in the war in Iraq. Which, depending on the time of day, he said was or wasn’t part of the war on terror.

GEBIV: Bewildering. How about his stance on the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth?

Olga: Well, he’s gone from having his people call them attack dogs sent by the President, to saying that his advisors were wrong in keeping him from attacking the Swifties, to saying that it was his advisors idea that he attack them. He still hasn’t tried to refute anything that they have said, mostly because he knows that they are mostly using his own words in their ads.

GEBIV: That hasn’t stopped him before. I mean contradicting his own words is kind of a specialty of his.

Olga: I think that is partly because of his new advisors. The notes that I’ve found in the trash show that they are, or at least were, telling him to show that he is a better war president because of his Vietnam service, while telling him not to bring up his Vietnam service because it invites attacks by those swifties. They’re also telling him to attack the President about his Guard service while saying that the election is not about events that happened 30 years ago.

GEBIV: Quite the convoluted message. One last thing before you go, if you please. You said that you had some of the campaign slogans that they came up with, and eventually discarded. Could you share some of those with us?

Olga: Certainly. Let’s see, there was “Kerry/Edwards ’04. Because you deserve both sides of the issues.� And then there was “Kerry ’04. He supports the troops.� Which was shortly followed by, “Kerry ’04. Because he doesn’t support the war.� Which was followed by, “Kerry ’04. He can win the war in Iraq.� And “Kerry ’04. He’ll get us out of Iraq.� And my favorites, which ran at the same time, “Kerry, the war hero!� and “Kerry, the anti-war hero!�

GEBIV: I imagine that you’ve got quite a collection of bumper stickers.

Olga: Yeah, they throw out a couple of different designs each day. I won’t have to buy duct tape for a couple of years. I just use a magic marker and black out the front, and use it to tape whatever I want. I do have to be careful using it on some things though. It seems that they won’t stick to anything for too long. But it does work well for temporary stuff.

GEBIV: Kind of like Kerry’s presidential dreams. Temporary. Well, thank you very much for letting me do this interview. And please call me if you get anything really interesting.

Olga: I certainly will.

There you have it folks, an interview with someone from deep inside the Kerry campaign.

Oh, and in case any of you were wondering what Olga looks like. (I’m figuring Harvey's thinking about this right now) She’s imaginary, so paint whatever picture you’d like. ;-D

PGHA: More Bush Memos from CBS

In a press release made earlier this morning, CBS news has announced that it has come into the possession of more memos, which relate to President Bush’s past. These memos are said to prove, among other things:

* Bush lied about his age to get into the National Guard. He was really only 17.

* Bush once kicked a dog.

* Bush used two mulligans in one round of golf.

* Bush once dressed as a penguin for a Halloween party.

* Bush has only ONE left foot!

* Bush secretly paid McDonalds to increase the fat content of their burgers to give former President Clinton heart disease.

* Bush owns a 1970 Selectric typewriter.

* Bush can’t splel.

* Bush once ate the entire contents of a family size bag of Doritos while watching a rugby game while wearing a pink tutu.

* Bush’s real name is Hitler Wannabe.

* Bush secretly married thirteen different women in Florida to get their votes in the 2000 election.

* Bush owns a chalet in Aspen… Oops, that ones about Kerry.

* Bush once cheated in a game of chutes and ladders when he was 5 years old.

* Bush failed a pop-quiz in math in 5th grade.

* Bush never learned how to eat with chopsticks.

* Bush had smelly feet when he was in the National Guard.

* Bush used an endangered species of turtle to wax his father’s car when he was in High School.

* Bush had surgery to remove his horns.

* Same for his tail, too.

* Only a complete doofus, (as defined by the Liberal College Association of America) would vote for Bush.

All of this and more will be shown on the next installment of 60 Minutes. (Or as soon as they can get the latest batch of documents past their experts.)

(This public announcement was brought to you by the Alliance of the Free Bloggers.)
Instapundo Delenda Est!

Laughing even more Maniacaly

Here's another great illustration of Kerry's stance on the war. OK, it's not so much an illustration as a comercial being put out by the Bush campaign. But it's doggon funny!

(Hat tip Owen of Boot's and Sabres)

Laughing Maniacaly

There's a great cartoon over at Cox And Forkum.com.

It goes well with the speach Kerry made today about having "one position on Iraq."

If he doesn't stop flip flopping so much, he'll give himself whiplash.

Wow.

I was just kidding when I wrote this.

But it looks like they are really coming out with one. It just happens to be coming out at the end of September.

It loooks like they only have Part 1 of my idea so far. I'll let you know if they follow through with the rest.

PGHA: Kerry's Popularity

In a desperate move to increase his falling popularity, John Kerry tries to latch on to the video game craze…

Introducing:

Part 1
In this new first person shooter, you start as a young lieutenant on a Swiftboat in the jungles of Vietnam. Your adventures lead you up and down the rivers, (and possibly in and out of Cambodia) as you try to earn medals. Use the instant replay function to better document your heroics. Bonus points for atrocities committed by your crew. But remember, three purple hearts, and this part of your quest is over.

Part 2
Now you are back in the United States as a war protester. Here, you must weave in and out of protests and talks with possible enemies of the US without leaving any incriminating evidence of collusion. This level culminates with you throwing (or not) your medals over the Whitehouse fence.

Part 3
In this next exciting level, you are the Junior Senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Here, you must navigate the halls of Congress without becoming involved with any legislation that might hurt your re-election. Perfect the art of sitting on comities without ever actually being present. If you survive 19 years without ever being linked to any major piece of legislation, you can go on to…

Part 4
Now, you are a Presidential candidate. Here you must become the master of double talk. Learn to say whatever you think the group you are speaking to wants to hear. Run on your experiences of 30 years earlier, while dodging any criticism of those actions. Complain of your opponents digging up the past while never ceasing your own statements bringing up your own heroics in Vietnam.

Bonus Features
Use the Save Game Editor to alter earlier events. This allows you to change your story to suit your whims. You can use this as many times as you like, but remember, the original story can pop up when you least expect it.

The 527 add on can be very useful in the final level. But remember, once activated, it can be used by your opponents as well.

Wife Upgrade can be done when necessary, but make sure to pick the one with the highest property value.

9/11 Remembered

This is from the Cox & Forkum site.

Just remember, our government's job is not merely the punishment of those who did this. But it is also the prevention of this happening to more innocents.

PGHA: What do the protestors want?

This weeks PGH Assignment was pretty straightforward. What do the protestors want?

I thought long and hard about this and this is what I came up with:

They want freedom from a Fascist Government that won’t let them say what they…
Oh wait, if that was true, they wouldn’t be able to protest. Never mind.

They want peace. That’s why they threaten to disrupt the police and severely beat anyone who disagrees with them.
Oh Kay… never mind.

They want respect. That’s why they are willing to parade naked through the streets of New York City.
Yeah right. That’ll get you respect. Maybe in San Francisco.

They want the truth. And they’ll say anything to get it…
Is anyone else getting confused here?

They want justice. And they’ll break any law to see that they get it.
OK, this is the only one that I see actually happening. It’s just, they never recognize incarceration for their crimes as justice.

The want to be heard. That’s why we have been listening to them for 40 years.
Now that we’ve heard them, why won’t they shut up?

They want to get rid of the state controlled media.
Yeah, ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN are all realllllly friendly to the President.

You know what? I don’t think that they really know what they want. So what do we care. It’s not like they’ll ever stop protesting. Even if they could figure out what they really want, and they were given it.

Monty Python: The Candidate Sketch

There's a great adaptation of the classic Parrot sketch by Monty Python over here at A Large Regular.

A must read for Monty Python Lovers. Warning: Drink alert.

Found through One Hand Clapping, by Donald Sensing.

Clinton in the Hospital

You know, when Reagan passed away, lots of people noticed the bumb in the polls that Bush seemed to get. A few people wondered if Carter would be willing to take one for the team for the Dems.

Bill Clinton just was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery. Coincidence?

Awful funny timing so close to the Republican Convention...

Someone on FOXNews speculated that the heart problem could be a result of straining trying to lift his new "Autobiography"

I'll try to link when some of the news sites get info... Here's one

Update:Now they're saying that he only went to the hospital for TESTS.

Still think that the timing is a little fishy...

Also, no word from Hillary. Guess she's busy trying to hide all of the "Cheese Whiz" brand hypodermic needles she's been using on him.

More Updates: Apparently, he just started having chest pains in the last couple of days. Right about the time Zell Miller was speaking...

Even More Updates: OK. Now his office has just released an announcement that he will be having quadruple bypass surgery soon, but no exact time or date given.

Another Update: Sorry if I sounded a little unconcerned or nasty. I know how seriouse heart disease can be. I'm sure that everyones prayers are that the former President will have a complete and speedy recovery.

An Informed Electorate?

I just caught the last hour of Sean Hannity’s radio program on www.wabcradio.com. He had a “Man on the Street� segment where one of his staff interviewed protesters down by Central Park. I have to say that I was less than unimpressed by the knowledge of the people who said they were voting against Bush.

The first couple couldn’t name either of the Vice-Presidential candidates, and believed Hannity when he said that the Democratic Presidential candidate’s name was Jim Kearny. And almost none of them were able to name John Edwards as his running mate. Most of them believed Hannity when he said that the Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate’s name was Stu Pedd.

Eventually, they did get to some Democrats who knew who John Kerry was, but even then, they couldn’t name a single thing he had done to make him qualified to be President, or any policies or stances of his that they agree with. And only one of the ones who said they would vote for Kerry actually seemed to understand the importance of the question.

It seemed that the only policy of Kerry’s that they could agree with was getting Bush out of office.

PGH: Media Excuses

Yes folks, it’s another very late, very cheesy Precision Guided Humor Assignment. This week’s is, what excuses will the mainstream media use to explain their lack of coverage of Kerry’s lies about Vietnam.

10. They wrote a story, but the dog ate it.

9. Bob Kerrey never said any lies about Vietnam, so there is nothing to cover.

8. They really want Kerry to win, so they’ll cover up anything he says… I mean… oh yeah, like they’ll ever admit that.

7. Too busy covering the Ladies Beach Volleyball medal round.

6. Clinton hasn’t given them the go-ahead yet to totally destroy Kerry to pave the way for Hillary in ’08.

5. Two words. “Time Share.� Unfavorable coverage of Kerry’s lies will begin in the second week of November.

4. Only so many pixels to go around. They don’t want to waste the ones left on their computers.

3. Somebody locked the keys to the printing press in their car and they can’t get inside in time to change the next edition of the paper.

2. Can’t remember the password to their laptop, so they can’t get to the story they saved on the hard drive.

And the number one excuse used by the mainstream media:

They can only say good things about Kerry in order to balance out all of the negative coverage he’s getting on the Internet and Talk Radio.

PGH: Democratic Convetion Embarrassing Moment

Here's a late entry for the PGH:Democratic National Convention most embarrasing moments.

John Kerry leaves the convention to begin his "Breakfast Around the Nation" Tour.

"SondraK's Let's Be Real About Guns" contest.

Here's my entry for SondraK. In response for some little 6 year old's (or someone with the intellect of a 6 year old) drawing of why "guns" are bad. Not carjackers of course.

On oldie but a groaner!

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle
of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but unfortunately it
jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to
the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to
his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw
the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her
car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit,
and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned
around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and
hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you
spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

PGH: How Will Michael Moore Die?

I guess that I haven’t been doing many Alliance Assignments lately. Actually, I haven’t been doing much posting at all lately. I blame this on everyone else. I spend so much time reading everyone else’s witty writings that I don’t take any time to do any writing myself. I’m very ashamed that I never got around to linking some truly wonderful things that I have found.

I will also admit to a little pressure from the outside world. But that has been mostly in the form of relatively high temperatures. Once you combine them with the humidity, you get a sort of weather-enhanced BEAL.

Anywho… back to the Precision Guided Humor Assignment. Namely, How do I think Michael Moore will die?

With the theory that Only The Good Die Young, the corollary would project that Moore would live so long as to be indistinguishable from an immortal.* A truly frightening thought. The American populace would be subjected to Moore’s drivel for countless generations, and his ability to distinguish fact from fancy would be eroded with each “documentary� he produced. However, each successive administration would become more and more conservative, as the public’s reaction to the vile filth on the screen pushed them more and more away from the wacko leftist policies he spews.

Eventually, he would be driven out of the United States by public outcry over the messes left in the theaters showing his works.** He would then be forced to only exist in the shadowy half-world that we know as France. Of course, he would still win the Cannes Film Festival each year, but no one will take it seriously anyways.

From his dark, Twinkie wrapper littered cave in France, he would always be plotting the destruction of the United States.*** Eventually, the entire Western world would have rise up to wipe his evil from the face of the earth.

This could be done in several ways. The first, cutting off his Twinkie supply, would unfortunately take several generations to accomplish. Moore could probably survive off of his personal Strategic Twinkie Reserve for many years, with his own internal supply lasting many decades as well.

The second way would be to increase his Twinkie consumption. This would result in the Monty-Python restaurant patron explosion so wonderfully depicted by Susie’s photoshopped post. The downside to this method is that it would probably cause widespread famine as the entire food production of the United States was entirely geared to the production of snack cakes in the effort to keep up with the demand necessary to overload Moore’s system.

A quicker solution would be to drop an asteroid on him.****

Of course, this is all assuming that the Good Die Young Corollary actually exists and applies to Moore. Lately, it has been shown by the United States Armed Services that bad people often die very quickly and painfully. And while I am NOT advocating the removal***** of Michael Moore by the Marines, I do use it as an example that just being evil is not the key to a long life.

In all likelihood, Moore will probably die from a massive heart attack when he realizes that his movie was one of the key components of the landslide victory that George W. Bush achieved over John Kerry in the 2004 election.

* A good example of the of The Good Dying Young Corollary actually occurring is Fidel Castro. Who I assume is only alive because the ground keeps spitting him back up every time they try to bury him.

** 40-60 people all throwing up at the same time and place can be quite… fragrant.

*** A lot like Sauron in Baradur. Or better yet, like Sheolob in the caves at the top of the “Secret Stairs.� What with being big, fat, hairy and all…

**** Unfortunately, this would probably cause massive death and destruction in France, and many of Moore’s strongest and most rabid supporters would undoubtedly be incinerated along with him, in addition to… wait, is any of this really that bad?

***** With Extreme Prejudice

Kerry Picks Edwards for Veep?

I finally figured out why Kerry picked Edwards. He figures that this might be another close race, and the Democrats will need to go to court and sue to win the elections. In that case, he’ll need an experienced trial lawyer on his team to wear down the courts until they just give him the Presidency.

Apparently, Edwards has an uncanny ability to truly empathize with and sympathetically portray the plaintiffs in his lawsuits. And Kerry believes that this would be the key to winning the necessary court battles.

Edwards: (in a whiny, wheedling voice) But your Honors, we were disenfranchised… Our votes didn’t count… The only fair thing would be to say John Kerry won… He’s the one we wanted to be President…

And then, if John/John actually won the Presidency, they would be able to use Edwards’ expertise to go around any problems that Congress might give them.

Kerry: Stupid Congress. They won’t raise all of the taxes I want them to.

Edwards: Don’t worry boss. I’ve got it covered…

***

Bailiff: Supreme Court now in session. Case number 99999999, The poor people of the United States vs. The Selfish, Rich People of the United States.

Edwards: Your Honor’s, I intend to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the selfish, rich people have been maliciously hoarding their money instead of allowing the benevolent United States Federal Government to use that money to help the poor and downtrodden. The poor are asking for punitive damages of $5000 from every American with an income of over…

Rock, Paper, Saddam

Found this via Rocket Jones.

Warning: Drink alert!

P.S. Who on earth gave Saddam a suit to wear? Why isn't he in an orange prison jumper?

TAPS

Day is done, gone the sun,
From the hills, from the lake,
From the sky.
All is well, safely rest,
God is nigh.

Go to sleep, peaceful sleep,
May the soldier or sailor,
God keep.
On the land or the deep,
Safe in sleep.

Love, good night, Must thou go,
When the day, And the night
Need thee so?
All is well. Speedeth all
To their rest.

Fades the light; And afar
Goeth day, And the stars
Shineth bright,
Fare thee well; Day has gone,
Night is on.

Thanks and praise, For our days,
'Neath the sun, Neath the stars,
'Neath the sky,
As we go, This we know,
God is nigh.

Click here to listen to a sound file of Taps
performed by SGM Woody English, U.S. Army Band, playing on a B flat Bach Stradivarius Field Trumpet (bugle)

The Great Communicator has passed to a greater reward.

He will be missed.

The Gettysburg Address

I think that this is one of the greatest speaches that sums up what Memorial Day means to me. I speaks of what they died for, and more importantly how great their sacrifice was and how we can't add to or detract from that act. Unless we make it so they died in vain.

The Gettysburg Address

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war. . .testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated. . . can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war.

We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate. . .we cannot consecrate. . . we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.

It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us. . .that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion. . . that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. . . that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom. . . and that government of the people. . .by the people. . .for the people. . . shall not perish from the earth.

-Abraham Lincoln

Flander's Field

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe;
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch, be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

John McCrae 1872 - 1918