A harried waitress was being bothered by one troublesome diner all through the lunch hour. Finally, as he was paying his bill, he presented her with her tip. Three cents.
The waitress had had enough. But she smiled sweetly and said to the customer. "Would you like me to read those pennies for you? Some people can read palms to tell fortunes. I can read pennies to tell me things about a person."
The guy, not knowing where this was going said, "Sure, lets see what these pennies can tell you about me."
The waitress pointed at the first penny. "This one," she said, "tells me that you are very frugal."
The man nodded. He was very carefull with his money.
Next, the waitress pointed at the second penny. "This one tells me you are a bachelor." she said.
Again the man nodded. He was a bachelor.
Finally the waitress pointed at the last penny and said, "And this one tells me that your father was a bachelor too."
"What does your father do..."
Little Tommy was in the 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All of the typical
answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...
Tommy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little Tommy aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Tommy, "He plays for the Buffalo Bills, but I was too
embarrassed to say so."
I was driving along the Thruway the other day, and up ahead of me was a bunch of turkey buzzards. It looked like they were in the middle of my lane, so I changed lanes to go around them. Then, just before I got to them, they all scattered.
Well, one of them must not have been too bright, because he flew right in front of me instead of the other direction. I didn't have time to hit the brakes, so he smacked right into my jeep. He dented my hood, rolled up it into my windshield (cracked it real bad) and flipped right over my roof.
And landed on the hood of the Police car driving behind me!
Then, to add insult to injury, the Police Officer pulled me over and gave me a ticket.
...For flipping him the bird.
(Shamelessly stolen and paraphrased from a caller to the Sandy Beach show on WBEN)
A Mugging.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a
gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the
turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the
detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know,
it all happened so fast."
The Magician and the Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, she started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. After swimming for a few hours, the magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared malevolently at each other but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another, and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could restrain itself no longer: "OK," she said, "I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry,
sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going
to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
The veterinarian told a blonde that her dog needed a lot more exercise. "You
need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game
of fetch the ball."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
THE YETI
An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti.
"You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you."
With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent. He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent. He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so CRASHED INTO THE YETI.
It screeched and followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home.
Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him!
Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw… the Yeti. It was STILL following him!
Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him. It was.
There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely.
The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned.
It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest.
"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction.
Don't have anything good to blog about today.
So maybe I can recycle some old Banjokes.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a banjo players car?
Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.
What did the banjo player get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How can you tell if a stage is level?
There's drool coming out of both sides of the banjo player's mouth.
Here's a joke that was forwarded to me by a friend. It probably holds true for any level of government, but is almost too painfully appropriate for Erie County in Western New York. Our county government has almost given up trying to fix the problems they've caused-they won't make cuts, and can only raise taxes so high...(and the city of Buffalo is getting destroyed along with the rest of the county)
Anyways, here's the joke.
An Indian walks into a coffee shop with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waitress, "Me want coffee."The waitress says, "Sure chief, coming right up." She gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waitress, "Me want coffee."
The waitress says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
(hang on, this is really good......)
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for Erie County Legislature position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day".
I don't know why it was an Indian... I probably shouldn't over-analyze these things so much.
Found on a Joke Newsgroup.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.""That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because
my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
insurance company also paid for everything."The lawyer looked somewhat confused and said,
"How do you start a flood?""
And...
Top ten list of things to do to prepare for the ski season: (And to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.)10.. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9.. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you
are looking for your car.
8.. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and
tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7.. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6.. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
to wait in the longest line.
5.. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4.. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3.. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2.. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1.. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
Accountants and Engineers on a TrainThree engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch
as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an
accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the
train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers
cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the
return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When
they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How
are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the
three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into
another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, "Ticket, please."
Just a warning. This may sound like a real-ish story, but it is a joke. A really bad joke. Put down your drinks, because it may be the most awful joke you will ever read. (I can't claim authorship of this, I found it on a jokes newsgroup.)
You've been warned...
Hero Not Considered For The Papacy!Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a
young man, aspired to become a priest. However, he was drafted into the
Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his
aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving
spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he
became a priest and then a bishop, serving as a missionary in Africa,
piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across
the continent. In 1997, after being consecrated as an archbishop, he
was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a
cave-in.Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to
those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was
buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss
of his right eye.The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long
condition characterized by purplish skin botches.Although now-Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as
a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never
ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple
Papal leader!-Clothahump
I just had to steal this joke from Castle Argghhh! But I won't give you the punch line. You have to go to the castle for that.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
And for the punchline, go to this post and scroll to the bottom.
Since I don't have anything worthwhile to say today, but I want to change the date in the calendar on the left to blue, here's a bad joke.
A young couple were on their honeymoon.The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying
to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet
and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while
we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet
stink. Now how do I tell her?"Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do
I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to
keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me
for a week, he's bound to find out.Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he
walks into the bedroom.He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her
neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a
confession to make."And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon
on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht. They're admiring the
sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his
head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat,
but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't
worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out
to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks
back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid
stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page
photos, of the event. The banner headline is: "Bush Can't Swim."
A blonde (A guy this time. Yes, even blonde guys can be dumb.)gets a job painting the yellow line down the middle of the road for the county.
The first day, he paints 20 miles worth of line. His boss is really impressed.
The second day, he only paints 10 miles worth of line. Still a good amount of work, but his boss is a little concerned about the drop off.
The third day, he only paints 5 miles. And it gets worse as the week goes on, untill on the fith day, he only paints half a mile of line.
His boss asks him what the problem is, "On the first day, you painted 20 miles of line. Today you only painted half a mile. What is the problem?"
"Well, boss," the blonde replies. "Each day, the can is so much farther from where I have to paint."
In celebration of the “Great American Race” I decided to make my own list of how to tell if you are a NASCAR fan. Some of these I’ve heard around, a few I came up with while watching the Daytona 500.
You know you’re a NASCAR fan if…
…you’ve ever drafted someone on the thruway.
…you have a giant “3” painted on your roof. And it has a halo above it.
…you refer to getting gas as a “splash and go.”
…you enter your car through the driver’s side window. Even though there is nothing wrong with the door.
…when you see a slow driver in the left lane, you want to get under their bumper, get them loose and put them into the wall.
…you have a spoiler on your truck.
…you refer to the wife and kids as your “pit crew.”
…you only make left turns.
…you have more decals on your car than paint.
…you always wear a helmet. Even in the shower.
…you take your steering wheel with you where ever you go.
…you’ve ever red-lined an engine trying to beat your best time to work.
…you knew the answer to my trivia question below.
Anyone have any more?
I’m feeling a bit off today. And not in a good way.
So if I can’t feel good, or sane. I don’t see why anyone else should. So here are a few truly awful, yet thought provoking jokes. On second thought they’re just awful. But you do have to have some rudimentary science and math skills to understand them.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. The first one says to the other, “I lost my electron today.”“Are you sure?” the second atom asks.
“Yes. I’m positive.”
Two more hydrogen atoms meet. “I’ve had to carry around this extra electron all day,” complained the first one.“Don’t be so negative.” Said the second.
And now for a slightly longer, yet just as bad, joke.
There was an Indian Chief who had three wives. All three were pregnant at the same time, and the whole tribe waited to see what would be born.Finally, the first wife had her child. The chief announced to the tribe that she had given birth to a son, and showed his pleasure by building her a tepee made from the finest buffalo skin.
A few days later, the second wife gave birth to her child. The chief announced that this wife too had given birth to a son. And he showed his pleasure by building her a tepee made from the finest elk hide.
At last, the third wife went into labor. When she had given birth, the chief immediately build her a tepee made from the finest imported hippopotamus skin. Then he gathered the whole tribe together. They asked him what the third wife had given birth to. He wouldn’t tell them, but challenged them to guess.
No one in the tribe had the faintest idea what to say, until one scrawny Indian brave, named Dances With Calculators, stood up. “Your third wife gave birth to twin boys!” he said.
“How did you know that?” asked the chief.
“Simple,” replied the brave. “Everyone knows that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus equal the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”
Sorry to use trigonometry on everybody. But I warned you that I wasn’t in a very good mood.
Here are a few golf jokes that I found in an extremely good article in the March 2005 edition of Golf Digest. Since I remember reading at least three quarters of them somewhere else before, I have no qualms about shamelessly stealing them. Not to mention, the author admits to stealing more than a few of them himself…
“Bad day at the course,” a guy tells his wife. “Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole.”“That’s terrible!” she says.
“You’re telling me. All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
A guy’s wife asks him, “If I were to die, would you get married again and share our bed with your new wife?”And he says, “I guess I might.”
“What about my car?” she asks, “Would you give that to her?”
And he says, “Perhapse.”
“Would you give my golf clubs to her, too?” his wife asks.
“No.”
“Why not?” asks the wife.
“She’s left handed.”
This one is from Lee Trevino.
There’s an amazing golf ball that comes equipped with beeps and lights so that it simply can’t be lost.“That’s fantastic!” another golfer says. “Where’d you get that ball?”
“Oh, I found it.”
My favorite quote of the whole article is from Bob Hope.
“My opponent said that he’d give me a stroke on 14 if I’d give him a free throw. That sounded pretty good until we got to the green, and he picked up my ball and threw it into the pond.”
God, I wish that I could have played just one round with him. I could have died happy on the 18th green. Although I probably would have passed out from laughing on the 7th.
And this last joke, while not by Bob Hope, had me laughing so hard that I was seeing spots.
A guy walks up to some slow golfers and hands them a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute. Can I play through?”“Bug off,” they tell him. “You can wait just the same as anybody else.”
On the next hole, a ball flies at the group and hits one of the slow golfers hard. Doubled over in pain on the ground, the guy looks back at the tee and sees the deaf guy. He’s got his driver in one hand, and the other hand is holding up four fingers.
This last joke wasn’t actually in the magazine. But the article did have a form of the same joke. And since it's one of my all time favorite golf jokes...
A doctor, a minister, a lawyer and an engineer are playing behind an extremely slow group of golfers. It takes them over three hours just to play the front nine.At the turn, they go into the clubhouse to complain.
“I’m sorry about the slow play,” the club pro says. “But those four golfers are firemen who lost their eyesight while fighting a fire to save the golf course. So now the club lets them play whenever they want for free.”
The four men are chagrinned. The doctor says, “As soon as I get home, I’m going to check all of my medical journals to see if there is some treatment I can do for those poor men.”
The minister says, “I’ll set up a fundraiser to help their families, and put them on our prayer list.”
The lawyer says, “I’ll check the case, and see if there is any legal help I can give them.”
The engineer says, “Can’t they just play at night?”
(that is all)
I am a Pro-Crastinator. I gave up my amateur standing a long time ago. Back when I was an amateur crastinator, I would put things off for a few days at a time, eventually getting around to doing them. But I realized that I had reached professional status when I found myself making up things to do, just to not do them. I have even found myself getting some things done early so that I will have more time to put off what needed to be done. I have real dedication to the art.
However, when it comes to complaining, I have to admit that I am strictly a novice. While I can complain all day about things going wrong, I still retain the ability to put things in perspective. For example, while I may complain that the continuous overcast night skies have prevented me from catching a glimpse of Comet Machholz, I don’t complain about the temperature on clear nights. It’s still only February, so when the night sky is cloudless, the mercury is going south. That’s a fact of life. (Or thermodynamics, as the case may be…)
It’s the true grouch who can complain about anything. You know who I’m talking about. That first class, belly-aching, professional, complainer. And even better, they’re usually the people who try to blame you for whatever is bothering them. Just this morning, I had a rather nicely dressed elderly (she would probably scream at the use of the word “elderly”) woman stop into my family’s store for the PennySaver©.
Aside:
A little background on the PennySaver©. The PennySaver© is sort of like a small town paper. Except that there is no news at all, just front-to-back ads and coupons. And a small want-ads section. So actually, it’s more like the advertising section of the regular paper. On the plus side, it’s free.
It has an official delivery time of 6PM Sunday evening, but usually gets dropped off Saturday night. But if the delivery guy has trouble, it’s not unusual to not get it till around noon on Sunday. It also has FREE home delivery to everyone who wants it. All you have to have is one of those little plastic PennySaver© tubes next to your mailbox.
/aside
Well, unfortunately for this lady, the latest edition hadn’t gotten to the store yet. Last weeks issue was still sitting on the rack, and somehow this was all my fault. She complained for what seemed like ten minutes (but was probably only about five) about how I should do more to make sure that the PennySaver© was there on time.
My only thoughts were that she was giving me an awful lot of credit for causing problems with a Free paper that I don’t deliver, don’t get paid to hand out, that could be delivered to her home, and that I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. And it’s FREE! Did I mention that? The other customer in the store was apparently telepathic; right after the lady walked out the door, he commented, “Or, she could just put a tube up at home and get it delivered.”
Some people just can’t put anything in perspective.
That reminds me of an old joke:
There was a man who had two sons. The older son was an eternal optimist. To his father’s annoyance, he always seemed to find the bright side of everything. The younger son was an incorrigible pessimist. No matter what happened, he always found something to complain about.One day, the man decided to do something about his son’s. He was going to cure them if it killed him. For the first son, he bought a ton of horse manure, and had it delivered to the son’s bedroom. For the second son, he purchased the finest Rolex watch ever made.
When the two sons got home, he presented the two “gifts.” The first son was overjoyed and dove right into the bedroom full of horse manure. The second son immediately started complaining about the gift.
The father asked him what was wrong with the watch, and the son went on and on about how his insurance would go up, and that now he wasn’t safe going into the city, and how now he had to learn how to use all of the watch’s many functions, and that he was worried that it might get dirty.
The father hung his head in disgust, he hadn’t changed anything with that son. Then he called in to the first son, who was busy digging through the manure. “What do you have to be so happy about? Your room is filled with manure.”
To which the son replied, “With all of this manure, there has to be a pony in here somewhere!”
See, it’s all a matter of perspective.
Just found this one on a newsgroup, and thought I'd share.
An Anti-Liberal JokeA man was stuck in grindingly slow traffic on his way to work one
morning. After moving about twenty feet in ten minutes, he saw a man
walking between the cars. He rolled his window down and asked the man
what was going on."There's a liberal up there that's still upset about the presidential
election and he's chained himself to a light pole," the man said. "He
says he doesn't have the money to move to Canada and he's threatening
to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire, so I'm taking up
a collection for him.""What have you got so far?" the driver asked.
"I've got a gallon of gas and three Bic lighters."
(That is all)
Here's one that I've seen around a few times before:
The Old CowboyA tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to
live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great
grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I don't have anything to say today, so here's another bad joke I found.
How do you keep a blog reader in suspense...
Answer in the Extended Entry.
Seen this one around a few times and thought I'd share it with everyone.
Daddy's little girlLittle Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since
Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she
asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?""Osama Bin Laden," she says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish
girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might
start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people
a little bit.And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,
he'd love everyone a lot. And then! he'd start going all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate
anyone anymore."Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with
newfound pride."Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
There were these two liberals who decided to go on vacation in Alaska when the salmon were running. Being really fond of fresh seafood, they decided to catch and cook their own (I know, they hadn’t thought about the killing and cleaning part of fishing yet, but liberals rarely think about the mundane parts of things)
Since they didn’t like touching the bait, they tried fishing for several days with empty hooks, but had no luck. Then, just a day before their vacation was going to end, they came across a couple of young men carrying several large salmon each. They didn’t have any fishing equipment on them, so the two liberals were curious as to how they had caught the large fish.
When they asked them, they told them that the salmon were so abundant in the streams, that all one had to do was have a friend hold on to your legs and dangle down over a bridge and just grab the salmon as the fish swam buy.
The two liberals quickly ran off to try it themselves. They found a bridge on the road they were on and one of them was dangled over the side. But, after an hour, they still had no luck.
Suddenly the one dangling off of the bridge started yelling, “Pull me up. Pull me up!”
His friend yelled back. “Did you catch one?”
“No,” was the reply. “There’s a train coming!”
A strange questionI was setting on my porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil
in his hand. "What are you selling young man," I asked."I'm not selling anything," the young man said. "I'm the Census Taker."
"A what?" I asked.
"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the
United States.""Well," I answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I haven't a clue."
The English Farmer
An old English farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time
one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to
sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors
from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them
like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he
decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live
comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put
advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have
long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting
American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors
mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.
After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local
inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman
arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in
most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.
"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a
long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see,
I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke." "Ah,
there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then
proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last
particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open
window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night. "Hey, how the
heck did you manage that?" gasped the American. "Oh, it was nothing; you
see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."
The dying man.There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?""Those are for the funeral."
Bungee Jumping in Mexico
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first
guy says to the second. "You know, we could make
a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico."The second guy thinks this is a great idea,
so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance,
etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up
on the square. As they are constructing the tower,
a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work.The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end
of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second
guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch
him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again.This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,
the second guy misses him. The first guy falls
again and bounces back up.This time, he comes back pretty messed up -
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.Luckily, the second guy finally catches him
this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord
too long?"The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine,
but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
Here's one that's been floating around the internet for a while. And I suppose you could put any team's name in it.
Football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours for the Buffalo Bills. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Mike Malarky immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined
that the white substance unknown to the Bills
players was the goal line. Practice was resumed
when the FBI decided that the team would not
be likely to encounter the substance again.
Hey, tomorrow's my birthday! I won't tell you how old I am,. Let's just say that I'll be eligable to run for President in 2008. (OK, 31. But still a kid inside.)
Um... where was I going with this?
Oh yeah. What I would like from anyone who is interested, is some jokes with really bad punch lines. The punnier the better. You know, the same kind of jokes that Harvey hates so much. (Please keep them clean. My parents read this site occasionally.) They don't have to be original. I know that the best jokes get retold time and time again.
Just post them on your own web site, leave me a link in the comments, or a trackback to this post, or e-mail me with the subject "Bad Jokes" to vze3jcj8 (at) verizon.net.
I'll put up a list of them on Sunday so everyone can enjoy them. It'll be sort of a Carnival of the Bad Jokes.
Update:OK. After reading Harvey's comment about 24 hour notices and weekends, I've decided to extend this to a full week. So you have untill Friday the 29th for entries. (Hey it's my birthday present. I can change the rules if I want to.)
And just to let everyone know what kind I like...
Bob and Phil were taking a flight across the Atlantic from New York to London. About halfway across the Atlantic, the captain came on the intercom and made an announcement, interupting the movie."Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to have to tell you that we've had some problems with our number 2 engine, so we had to shut it down. Don't worry, we can still make the flight on our remaining three engines, but we will be a half hour late arriving in England."
Bob and Phil went back to watching the movie. A short time later, the captain again came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we've had to shut down another engine. The plane can still fly with just two engines, but now we'll be an hour late to England."
Bob and Phil listened to the captain, and then continued to watch the movie. A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom again.
"Folks, I'm really sorry to have to say this, but we've had to shut down another engine. This plane will fly just fine on the remaining one, but unfortunately, we will now be two hours late getting into England."
When the captain was done talking, Bob turned to Phil and said, "You know what? If he shuts down that last engine, we're going to be stuck up here all day."
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God."Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am
doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports
me. I am content in all ways," said the nun."There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not
just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.""Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the
minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do
just for you.""There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said
the nun."Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
Augh! That was so absolutely awful that I just had to post it here.
The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the
stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to
realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of
the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for
another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth
when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"
She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the
voice, but met with no success.
Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back
to the end of the line and wait all over again.
After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a
beer. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the
game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to he window, a
voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"
Again the blonde tried to find the voice and got out of line as she
wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. The blonde was
very upset as she got back in line for her beer.
Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As
she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!"
once more.
Furious, She stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs, "My name isn't
Linda!"
Here's a special one for Harvey. Just because I know how much he loves really bad puns.
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard. Thus, the man with the biggest beard was their chief.After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave.
He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him
of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into
earthenware.Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a
huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay
vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
A beautiful maiden is talking a stroll around the castle when she hears, "Hey! Down here!" Looking around, she sees a small frog down by the moat and picks it up. "Hi-I'm really a banjo player but an evil witch has put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. If you would kiss me I can return to my normal self and we can live happily ever after..." The beautiful maiden smiles and puts the frog in her purse. "Hey! Aren't you going to kiss me?" shouts the frog. "No way! A talking frog is worth a lot more than a banjo player!"
A bluegrass band is on their way back from a gig South of the border when they get arrested for playing a banjo after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band finds themselves looking at the business end of a firing squad. "Ready, Aim,...""Earthquake!" yells the guitar player which distracts the guards long enough so he can jump over the wall to freedom.
"Ready, Aim,..."
"Flood!" yells the mandolin player who jumps over the wall to freedom.
Now the banjo player is starting to catch on.
"Ready, Aim,..."
"Fire!" yells the banjo player as loud as he can...
A Russian, a Cuban, and two Americans, (a guitar player and a banjo player) were sharing a compartment on a train. The Russian in an attempt to impress the other passengers says, "In Russia we have so much vodka that we can afford to throw it away." He then throws a bottle of fine Russian vodka out the window. In a spirit of one-upmanship, the Cuban replies, "In Cuba, we have so many fine cigars that we can simply throw them away." And the Cuban proceeds to throw a box of the finest Cuban cigars out the window. Not to be outdone, the guitar player says nothing, he just stands up and throws the banjo player out of the window...
And one that for some reason makes me think of Harvey...
Driving down a long lonesome highway through the dessert on his way West, a weary traveler sees a lone female hitchhiking by the side of the road and slows to a stop to pick her up. She smiles, grabs her banjo, jumps in, and they're off. Then all of a sudden she yells, "Stop the car!" He slows the car to a halt under the shade of a big tree she jumps out of the car grabs her banjo, climbs up in the tree, throws off all her clothes, and starts playing the Star Spangled Banner. Have you heard this one before? No!?! What! You never heard our National Anthem before?!?
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly
called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a
quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced
that he was quite experienced at this sort of
thing. He stepped over with almost no look of
concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's
abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though
nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are
you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Two men were lost in the Sahara Desert. They had gone for days without water, and were just about to give up and die when they saw a strange thing on the horizon. At first, they thought it was just a mirage. But as they got closer, they saw it was a small market set in the middle of the desert.
They staggered up to the first tent. “Water, please.” They begged.
The proprietor said he was sorry, but all he served was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding.
The two men left his tent and stumbled to the next one. Again, when they asked for water, they were told that all that was available was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding. This held true for every tent they went to. Finally, after searching the whole place and not finding any water, they walked off, once again, into the desert in search of water.
As they left, the first man turned and said to his companion, “That was pretty odd. All they had was that fruit, cake and pudding dish.”
To which the second man said, “Yes, it was a Triffle Bazaar.”
There's a banjo player and an accordion player sitting on the side of the road. Which do you run over first?
The accordion player. Business before pleasure.
What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
A flamethrower.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
100. One to hold the lightbulb while the world revolves around him and 99 to say they could have done it better.
What do you get when you cross a banjo player and an alligator?
One well fed alligator.
Why did the banjo player cross the road?
It was the chickens day off.
What's a banjo player's favorite w(h)ine?
"Play Foggy Mountain Breakdown."
What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?
No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a banjo?
You take your shoes off before jumping on the trampoline.
What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?
Drool.
What's the difference between a skunk and a banjo player run over on the road?
The skid marks are in front of the skunk.
What do you call the guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?
The banjo player.
How is playing a banjo like throwing the javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get peoples attention.
How do you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.
(As usual, these were shamelessly stolen from Bluegrassbanjo.org)
Did you hear the one about the banjo player who locked his keys in the car?
It took him over two hours to get the bass player and the drummer out.
Then there was the other time he locked his keys in the car.
Everything was ruined because it rained and the top was down.
What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?
No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?
You can tune a chainsaw.
(And my favorite)
How can you tell when the stage is level?
Because drool is coming out of BOTH corners of the banjo player's mouth.