There's One, Only!

PGHA: Fauxtography

Boy, I wish I'd bought that Photoshop™ stock back when I had my chance. Just look at all the publicity they've been getting lately!

Of course, everyone at The Alliance HQ (well, just Harvey, but he beats us if we don't go along with what he wants) is wondering what the next Photoshop™ enhanced photo Reuters is going to be releasing as gospel.

My sources actually surprised me. Instead of a picture enhanced by their congenital America and Israel hatred, they've come up with some support for Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Lie Truth." They're claiming to have found recent NASA photos from equipment left on the moon during the Apollo missions that prove that global warming is occurring!

According to Reuters, this completely un-retouched photo shows the effects that American SUVs are having on the planet Earth.

And incidentally, in a totally unrelated development, I managed to get my hands on a photo showing how Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, managed to get the French to go along with her ideas on a cease-fire in Lebanon.
(In the extended entry.)

PGHA: Raul's first 100 days

Here in America, a President is often rated by his first 100 days in office. (Usually because this is about as long as the Congress will let them accomplish anything...) Well, even though Raul Castro probably won't make the full 100 days as president of Cuba (either Fidel will recover by then or Raul will 'get sick' too...) Harvey would like to know: What changes will Raul Castro make in Cuba during his tenure as President?

#1) The Official State Facial Hair will be changed from "Hedge Beard" to "Cheesy Mustache".

#2) All the monogram towels in all of the presidential palaces will be changed from "F C" to "R C". (And it'll only take adding two little lines to the "F"! Brilliant!)

#3) Havana will be renamed Big Mac!

#4) All Cuban money will have a "Scratch-n-Sniff" sticker of Raul pasted over Fidel's picture. (You don't want to know what flavor.)

#5) Big Mac will be renamed Raultown. (That's what you get when you use a place mat from McDonalds to send out your city re-naming proclamations...)

#6) The entire treasury of Cuba (about $532) will be spent on Mega-Millions Lottery tickets. 'Cause hey, you never know!

#7) And finally, "¡Vivo la revolución!" (Long live the revolution!) will be replaced with "Tipo. ¿Dónde está mi hermano?" (Dude. Where's my brother? ) as the Official State Slogan.

PGHA: North Korea's Tantrum

OK. Harvey made a good point about the recent "Missile Tests" in North Korea. Basically, North Korea had a tantrum because no one was paying attention to it. Which helps explain some of the other bizarre behavior that's been coming out of the little country.

* Earlier this week, North Korea threatened to hold it's breath till it passed out if it didn't get more missiles.

* Later, in the middle of dinner, North Korea announced that the food tasted like poop and threw it on the floor of the restaurant.

* Then, while at the mall with it's mother (China) suddenly started screaming "I WANT A PONY!!!! ...AND MORE MISSILES!!!!"

* And finally, just recently, North Korea walked into the U.N. General Assembly and started singing "I'm a Little Tea Pot" at the top of it's lungs.

Yep. Looks like North Korea is going through the 'terrible twos' ...looks like time for a little 'negative re-enforcement'.

PGHA: Stupid Protester Tricks

Wow, what'll they think of next? Here we've got modern hunger strikes that don't involve not eating food. Either the strike is a rolling hunger strike where it gets passed off to another person every 24 hours, or it could be a "no solid food" hunger strike. Which means you could toss bacon and eggs into a blender and have breakfast without actually breaking your fast. Mmmmm.... blended bacon....

So all of this leads to the question: In addition to "fasts" that don't exclude food, what other half-hearted, watered-down protest techniques will hip-and-trendy anti-war protesters be using this summer?

Well, just as they are emulating Caesar Chavez and Gandhi's historic hunger strikes with "Operation Rolling Hunger" they will be emulating other famous protesters from throughout history.

In emulation of the United States Founding Fathers, they will be re-enacting their own version of the Boston Tea Party by pouring out -onto President Bush's Crawford Ranch driveway- nearly an ounce, each, of their Starbucks Mocha-Latte-Half Milk, Half Cream-Pinch of Cinnamon-Extra Whipped Cream-Grande Cappuccinos.

Following the example of the Buddhist Monks who would self-immolate in protest of the Vietnamese Government, many Hollywood protesters are leaving their curling irons on for an entire extra minute. Giving themseves that "slightly singed, but my hair's still better than your's" look.

Walking in the footsteps of Martin Luther King's historic march on Washington, D.C. -figuratively, if not literally- they will be marching, arm in arm, all the way to where the President's security detail made them park their limos and tour busses.

Showing the same courage that was displayed by the student protester in Tienemen Square who refused to back down for a line of tanks, the Hollywood elite will take turns standing in front of a parked '87 Ford Escort that has BUSH=HITLER written on it.

And reflecting the same belief in things greater than their own personal well being that Patrick Henry immortalized with his statement of "Give me Liberty, or give me death!" the protesters will be chanting "Iraqi's Freedoms aren't worth dying for!"

PGHA: World Peas

Boy, Harvey asked a weird question this week. What is the biggest threat to world peas?

Well, after a lot of thought, I'd have to say the Jolly Green Giant. I mean look, you've got these happy little peas living in their pod. Not bothering anyone. Not doing anything but sit there... maybe humming a happy little tune or something.

And then comes along this strangly pigmented man with a thyroid problem (or something) who scoops them up and crams them into a can to be sold in a supermarket. And why?

It can't be because anyone actually likes to eat peas! They taste like... mush. (Unless you put so much butter on them that all you can taste is butter. Which kind of defeats the point of eating a vegetable in the first place.) Even my Dad's old dog used to spit them out. And she'd eat anything. (Trust me on this. You really don't want to know details.)

And I've never seen convincing data that shows that peas are good for you. (They never account for all of the peas that get shoved under napkins or smashed into subatomic particles with the back of a spoon. Everyone says they eat the peas... but do they?) So you can't try to sell me on that old story.

So I say it's time to stop the Jolly Green Giant and leave the peas in the fields. It's where they belong and where they want to be.

PGHA: Armageddonist Alarms

In the twenty years since Chernobyl, the worlds worst nuclear accident, there has been:

* A 25% increase in Godzilla sightings.

* An AMERICAN won the Tour De France... SEVEN TIMES!

* IN A ROW!!!

* A Texan was elected President of The United States!

* Twice!

* IN A ROW!!!

* Michael Jackson went from being a rich black guy to being a poor white 'guy'.

* The earth has been destroyed several times (in different movies).

* The blogosphere spontaneously brought itself into existence.

* Only be taken over by a Robot-dancing, penguinophile, hobo murdering, puppy-blender.

* Talking lizards have started selling car insurance!

It's the end of the world as we know it!

(This has been a Precision Guided Humor Assignment.)

PGHA: Raising Money for Michael Moore

Well, I was sitting there on the couch, trying to ignore the nagging voice that said I wasn't getting my PGHA done on time, and just flipping through the channels. Then I saw something so bizarre on PBS that I had to stop channel surfing for a moment.

*CLICK*

Ryan: And we'll be right back with "Zippo, the Little Lighter that Could" in a few moments. But in the meantime, we need your help.

Collin: Absolutely! We need you to give to the most noble of charities... feeding the hungry. Or at least one hungry man.

Ryan: That's right. After loosing a recent court case, Michael Moore has barely enough of his personal fortune left to put food on his plate.

Collin: Did you know that he has fifteen mouths to feed?

Ryan: Wow! I had no idea that his family was that large.

Collin: Well actually, it's the equivalent of 15 mouths that he has to feed. He actually eats as much as fifteen fully grown adults.

Ryan: Heh. I wonder how many children that would equal?

Collin: Twenty three.

Ryan:....

Collin: You asked.

Ryan: Anyways. We've got over two dozen celebrities here to answer phones for the donations they you'll so generously be sending. They've graciously donated their time so that you can have the thrill of talking to someone famous... That and they're all between projects right now.

Collin: Now you may ask, why don't they just give the money we need to feed Mr. Moore. Frankly, most of them are just living paycheck to paycheck themselves.

Ryan: Do you know how much it takes to maintain a fleet of limos?

Collin: Not to mention the cost of air-conditioning their mansions while they're not even home.

Ryan: Stop. Stop. You're breaking my heart. Now we'll have to organize another telethon to help them. But we have to help Mr. Moore first. Please can't you find it in your heart to donate ten thousand dollars or so? That's what it takes to pay for one days worth of Twinki's for poor Mr. Moore.

Collin: And if you can't give that little, a gift of only five thousand dollars will help pay for one meal's worth of bacon. So please, give what you can.

*CLICK*

On second thought. I decided that I'd rather not watch any more TV.

PGHA: MacBeth

Well, Harv wanted to know if there was anything else about Jesse MacBeth that we didn't know about...

And after some exhaustive... (or is that exhausting?) research, I came up with this little bit of MacBeth's past.

During the summer of 1985, MacBeth traveled back to 1955 in his best friend's Delorean time machine. While there, he managed to make sure that his parent's met and fell in love and foiled another time-traveler's attempt to remake the future. Then, he went even farther back in time to 1885 and helped capture a notorious outlaw.

Somewhere along the line, he invented the skate-board and changed the face of Rock and Roll forever.

... Oh wait, that was Marty McFly? Oops, my bad.

I guess I've got nothing new on MacBeth then... Other than that rumor that he killed the rightfull king of Scotland. But that's only if you take that Shakespear guy's word for it.

PGHA: Iran's treats

Well, since offering treats hasn't enticed the Iranians into giving up their "for energy production only" nuclear program, it might be time for a little negative re-enforcement.

Specifically, a whack across the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Hey, it works on pets!

All we have to do is deploy the Army's Special Forces: Newspaper Division to go in and let the Iranian president (I could look up his name, but I'm too lazy to try spelling it) know that he's been a bad boy.

Plus, if they've got enough time after doing that, they can unroll the paper and see if they can finally get Amminnnasziossnski (OK, I'm pretty sure that's not how you spell the Iranian president's name, but who cares?) house-broken.

But then again, this may be beyond even the abilities of the best of all Special Forces...

PGHA: Rumsfeld's Blog

This week's assignment was supposed to be an exercise in using our imaginations... namely, what would Donald Rumsfeld's blog be like, if he had one?

Ironically, it turns out he alread does.

PGHA: Punishment for Moussaoui

Well, since a lot of people are dissapointed with Moussaoui only getting life in prison (instead of life in front of a firing squad... with pork bullets), Harvey asked what other sentence would have been appropriate for the admitted terrorist.

Well, in keeping with the spirit of playoff hockey (Buffalo is up 3-0 over Ottawa in the second round...) I thought that Moussaoui could become the official Hockey Puck Tester for the NHL.

When pucks are made for the NHL, they are frozen for a few weeks and then tested for a maximum allowable bounce. This is to make sure that all of the pucks behave the same.

What I am proposing is that instead of the current test. Simply tie Moussaoi into a net - naked of course - and use a high velocity puck gun of some sort to pummel him. Any pucks that rebound beyond a set distance will be deemed unsuited for NHL play. And then re-loaded into the gun for further testing. And instead of just the test sample (a small, but representative percentage of all the pucks used), every hocky puck used by the NHL can be tested! And once all the official NHL pucks have been cleared for use (some tens of thousands of pucks), we can then test all the practice and non-league quality pucks (millions and millions of them).

PGHA: Dan's Blog

I guess it's time to give up blogging. As soon as Dan Rather's site goes up, all the credibility that we bloggers have worked so hard to create will be gone in an instant....

Eh. So what.

It's not like I was doing anything with my credibility anyways. I guess the question is, what will Danny boy be blogging about?

My guess is that he'll be a sort of left-wing Instapundit. Except instead of linking to real news stories from around the world. Dan will just link to stuff on the Democratic Underground with comments like: "SEE!" and "I told you so!" and "He said BOOBIES" (Ok, that last one will just be when he links to Harvey.)

Hopefully he won't sink to cat-blogging. But you never know...

PGHA: New Press Secretary

I've thought long and hard about this week's Precision Guided Humor Assignment.

Who should replace Scott McClellan as President Bush's Press Secretary?

And I just couldn't come up with anything better than Frank J. came up with back when Ari Fleischer was retiring. Chomps. The world's angriest Press Secretary. Chomps is about half way down this In My World instalment.

(I still laugh whenever I read the part where Chomps attacks Michael Moore. In fact, I'm going back to read it again!)

PGHA: Trailers

It looks like there is only around a 75% chance that the trailers discovered by Allied forces in Iraq were really used for WMD production. So of course, that must be the last thing they'd have been used for.

So, the question is, what were those trailers used for?

Here are some of the ideas that I was able to come up with...

* Storage for Saddam's Archie Comics collection. Oh, that zany Jughead!

* Portable game rooms. So he and his homies could play some Grand Theft Auto wherever they went.

* Penguin farming. Oh wait, that's Evil Glenn's trailer.

* Mobile Barbershop. That bushy mustache didn't trim itself you know.

* Meth Lab. It's hard finding a place the NARCs won't raid.

* Portable Laudrimat. Some of those bedouins have to be forced at gunpoint to change their underwear.

That's all I can come up with. But I'm kind of leaning towards the barbershop. Mushtache grooming is a very important thing. And look how bad Saddam looked after he had to go into hiding and couldn't use the trailers any more...

PGHA: Hoaxing Reuters

Well, it looks like Rueters has another award winning story about Iraq. Not only can they show how the evil U.S. forces have destroyed a hard working family in Iraq. They also stand to make a tidy little sum in the process.

And all as a result of this 100% true e-mail one of their editors recieved. That is in no way a scam or a hoax. Or made up. Really, you can trust them.

Hello,
I am urged to relate my family story to you, which I believe that is the most conventional way to redeem the huge amount deposited in my name, by my late husband.
I am Mrs. Asfoureh Abu Eid. I am married to late Eng. Muwaffaq Abu Eid, an expatriate engineer, who worked with the Mining and Smelting Company (Asturiana de Zinc S.A.) in Spain, for Eleven years. My late husband died during the Iraqi and US war, in a bomb blast that hit our home and killed him instantly.
I and my husband are both Muslims, and married for eleven years without a child; since his death I too have been battling with both cancer and fibroid problem. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of(US$12.5Million) with a security company in Europe. Recently, my doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to my cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.
Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to either a charity organization or a devoted Muslim individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to give instruction with all sincerity to fund Mosque, orphanages, widows and also propagating the Islamic Nation.
The holly Quran emphasizes so much on PROPHET MOHAMED'S benevolence to humankind, that I make this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husbands one surviving brother have been converted to Christianity.
Since, I don't want a situation whereby this money will be used in an unholy manner. Hence the reasons for taking this bold decision. I know that after death I will be with Allah the most beneficent and most merciful. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health, and also, because of the presence of my husbands relatives around me always, I don't want them to know about this development.
As soon as I receive your reply, I shall give you the contact of the Security Company in Europe, where the money was deposited for safekeeping. I will also issue an order of authority to the security company, authorizing them that the said money have being willed to you and a copy of such authorization will be forwarded to you.
I request for you and all the Muslim brothers and sisters to pray for me. My happiness is that I lived a true devoted life worthy of emulation. Whosoever, that wants to serve Allah must serve him in truth and fairness. Al- Quran 59:22-24.
Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your Reply will give room in sourcing for another person /organization for this same purpose. You will have 30% out of the total amount for all your time to carry out this dream, and to cover whatever expenditures to claim this money, then 70% to charity organizations, Mosque, orphanages, widows and Islamic Nation.
Until I hear from you today unfailingly, my dream will rest squarely on your shoulders.
May the Almighty Allah continue to guide and protect us.
Reply through my private email addresses: (asfuabu@yahoo.co.uk)
Peace of Allah be with you.
Mrs. Asfoureh Abu Eid

PGHA: McKinney's Support

Right now everyone is getting on Rep. Cynthia McKinney's (D, GA) case about her slapping a police officer who was just doing his job when he grabbed her. And a lot of people are focusing on her typical Washington "non-apology apology". But what no one else has seen, is the incredible lengths she is willing to go to show her support for the Capitol Hill Police officers.

The very first thing she did was comission the creation of a new line of McKinney shoes. As soon as she starts wearing them, this stylish new line of footwear has many design features that will be very important to any Capitol Hill Police she comes in contact with.

First, her standard 5-inch stilleto heals have been removed, lowering the amount of damage she'll cause when she stomps on a police officer's instep. The steel toe-caps she also normally sports have been removed in favor of a padded leather toe; so as to lessen any injuries stemming from her typical kicks to an officer's groin. A new tread pattern will inlude a massaging action to help aleveate the stress of any officers she walks over. And the extra-strong Odor Eaters she now wears will make having her step on an officer's face a less offensive experience.

Rep. McKinney(D, GA) has also been experimenting with a new set of gloves. If tests go well, she'll soon be wearing her customized set of gloves with facial moisturizer impregnated leather palms. That way, with every slap, she'll be helping to reduce the skin damage done by police officer's faces being exposed to the cruel Washington, D.C. weather.

And you thought she didn't care about the people serving to keep D.C. safe.

PGHA: Protest Incentives

Awww. The poor Protest Organizers are having a hard time getting people to show up. It's gotten so bad that some of them are resorting to extreme measures to get the required numbers to really show 'the man' that they're a force to be reckoned with.

So, starting with the next anti-(whatever Conservatives/Republicans/Bush/Christians stand for) rally, the following incentives to attend will be offered.

* Free Love

* Free Quiche

* Free French Lessons

* A coupon good for 45% off your next purchase at Old Navy

* A coupon good for 50% off your next purchase at the Pottery Barn

* A "Vote Once. Get Counted Twice." voucher.

* "My President is Martin Sheen/Geena Davis" bumper stickers

And last, but most importantly:

* Free prescriptions for "medicinal" marijuana.

PGHA: Iraq Parliament's first 100 days

They say that the first 100 days of a new government sets the tone for the rest of it's term. And since governments don't get much newer than the brand-spanking new Iraqi Parliment, what they do in their first 100 days is going to be pretty important.

In fact, it's so important that Harvey, over at The Alliance HQ, asks: What laws will the new Iraqi Parliament pass during their first 100 days?

Here are what laws my spies in the Iraqi government say that th Iraqi Parliament is getting ready to pass.

* Free Speach Law - No politician may charge anyone to make a speach at an official function.

* Right to Bare Arms - Short sleeves are allowed. Unless you have ugly tatoos.

* Right to Bear Arms - It is allowable for anyone to keep the forelegs of any bear they kill.

* Right to Arm Bears - It is allowable for anyone to give weapons to bears to prevent their arms from being cut off.

* Separation of Mosque and State - The State Building and the Mosque must be kept at least 500 yards away from each other at all times.

* Freedom of the Press - Irons must be available to anyone who wants a nicely pressed shirt. Dry-cleaning is optional.

* The Miranda Rights Law - When arrested, the accused is informed of his right to wear a large, fruit covered hat.

Well, it seems like they've got the right general idea. But they may have gotten a little confused somewhere during the translation...

PGHA: Terrorist Advice

It's Wednesday, and do you know what that means? That's right. A new Mythbusters is on Discovery tonight! (They're going to test weather or not cell phones mess with plane instruments and if you can fly with a helium filled rubber raft. Personally, I wouldn't think that you'd have to do a whole segment on the raft part... just do the math on weight displacement. Besides, the Kid with Balloons episode showed the shear volume needed to suspend just a small kid... but I believe I've digressed enough already.) However, even more important than a new Mythbusters episode is that it is time for...

Another Precision Guided Humor Assignment!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As we MuNuvians say. Yay!

So, this week Harvey asks, "Who could give President Bush good advice on fighting terrorists, and what would they tell him to do?" This of course is in response to all those idiotarians on the West Coast telling the President how to run the War on Terror. You know, because they once played a role in a movie that was being shot in a country that had terrorists... somewhere on the same continent.

I thought about it for a while and managed to narrow down to two candidates; who I thought, based on past performance, would be the best to give advice to the President in the matter of fighting terrorists.

Chuck Norris and Chomps, the world's angriest dog.

Then, once I decided who I'd want advice from, I got them together and in an interview asked each of them a series of questions about terrorism and terrorists.

GEBIV: Thank you both for allowing me to interview you. I've got just three questions that I'll be asking and then I won't take up any more of your time. First, Mr. Norris, what would you do about the terrorists planning to attack the United States?

Chuck: I'd seek them out and give each of them a roundhouse kick to the head.

GEBIV: Isn't that a bit lenient?

Chuck: You think that severing someone's head and propelling it over a mile is lenient? I think I like you.

GEBIV: Uh, that's good. Now Chomps, same question.

Chomps: GROWL BARK BARK SNARL BARK!!!!
(Translation: Kill them all! Kill them! Crush their bones!)

Chuck: I think I like this dog too.

GEBIV: Ok, what do think about the terrorists trying to derail the fledgling government in Iraq?

Chuck: Almost the same thing as I'd do to the terrorists trying to attack the U.S. Only I'd probably use my left leg this time... just so the pile of heads doesn't get too big on one end of the planet, causing a shift in the Earths orbit.

Chomps: BARK BARK GROWL SNAP BARK BARK
(Translation: But Chuck, the planet doesn't have an end. It's a sphere. Unless you are referring to the poles of course, in which case your pile of heads could cause a tectonic shift.)

Chuck: I stand corrected, Chomps. That's never happened before. You impress me.

Chomps: BARK!
(Translation: Thank you Chuck. That means a lot coming from you.)

GEBIV: Gentlemen, if I may get back on topic? Chomps, your answer to the terrorists in Iraq.

Chomps: BARK GROWL BARK SNAP SNARL GROWL-
(Translation: Bite off their privates and shove them up-

GEBIV: I think I can tell where you're going with that. No need to get too descriptive.

Chuck: You know, I think I really like this dog.

GEBIV: Ok then. Last question. What do you think of the President's interception of communications between terrorists and their inside the U.S. contacts. Should this fall under domestic wiretapping laws, or under military/foreign intelligence guidelines?

Chuck: Clearly, this has been blown out of proportion for political reasons. I belive the answer to this is a swift punch to the head.

GEBIV: For the terrorist's contacts?

Chuck: No. For the people who are saying that this is a domestic spying program.

Chomps: BARK BARK SNAP!
(Translation: I agree Chuck. Although I think that a good bite to the lower leg would work as well.)

Chuck: Hmmm... yes. That would be a good alternative.

GEBIV: Again, thank you both. You were very kind to allow me to interview you. And I'd especially like to thank Chomps for not rending me limb from limb. And you too Mr. Norris for not kicking me in the head.

Chomps: GROWL SNAP BARK BARK!
(Translation: As long as you keep the steaks coming. You probably won't be harmed.

Chuck: Yeah, what Chomps said.

PGHA: Terrorist Concessions

Harvey was wondering what other concessions the terrorist appeasers would be granting to the terrorists next. I sat down and gave it a lot of thought... at the end of a loooooooong day at work. So bear with me.

First, I thought to myself, What would the best concession be to have for myself? After a moments consideration, I decided that the best concession that I could think of would be selling hot dogs at Yankee Stadium. I mean, whoever does that must make a mint! All those rich, hungry baseball fans just chowing down for something like 80 home games a season. Well, I wouldn't mind running that, I can tell you.

But then I realized that although there are all-beef hot dogs, they are almost all made by Kosher delis. And no self respecting Islamo-Fascist would ever bring themselves to deal with a Kosher deli in any way not involving several pounds of dynamite.

Then it hit me. Who are the biggest terrorist appeasers? The Hollywood elite of course. And what is the biggest concession in Hollywood? Popcorn! It's perfect. Hollywood can grant the popcorn concession rights to all the movie theaters to the terrorists. After all, popcorn is just exploded corn. So it's an ideal match to the terrorists. Just think, you can go and watch Brokeback Mountain while enjoying a large bucket full of Mustafa's Exploded Kernels of Jihad.

And with cheap foreign labor making the popcorn, the prices would finally fall to where you can afford both the popcorn and the movie tickets without taking out a second mortgage...

Or maybe this is all just not having dinner on time talking.

PGHA: Unused Resources

In any conflict, it is sometimes a little used - or at least until then underutilized - resource that can tip the scales. And the war on terror is no exception. In order to fight this worldwide scourge, we have to use any and all resources at hand.

One of these little known wells of ability that the United States possesses is perfect to help fight the war on terror. Namely Ham Radio Operators.

These amateur radio broadcasters can help us in ways that no professional can. Often called "Ham"s, this nickname is a reference to the history of many of these amateurs building their own radio equipment from the versatile parts of the pig. Whether it's using a pig's ear to make a speaker, or a set of ribs as an antenna array they find ways to use virtually every part of the pig. (Except for the naughty bits. Using them will get you banned by the FCC.)

Why, your typical "Ham" if dropped in the middle of a pig farm could be on the air in just a few hours. Even less if there is a Radio Shack nearby.

This partly explains the reasoning behind the Sharia prohibition against all pork products. If people have access to pigs, there is no way to stifle the free exchange of ideas across the electromagnetic spectrum. And once the people living under a terrorist supporting government hear what the "Ham"s have to say, they'll know the truth. And knowing is half the battle!

Best of all, the "Ham"s can be inserted into Islamo-fascist controlled countries with impunity. With their pork product radios, they will be unassailable by the terrorists. No Islamo-fascist will attack a radio operator if there's a chance if the bacon broadcast tower could touch them. It's like wearing an SEP field. Everyone ignores it and hopes that someone else will take care of it... so no one does.

So, if you'd like to help in the fight against terror, give your local "Ham" Radio Operator all your support. If you've got a Bar-B-Que and you've got some of that pig left over, donate it. Remember, there's no part of the pig that can't be used in fighting the war against Islamo-fascists!

PGHA: Nobel Stache Prize

Here's some of reasons why I think John Bolton should receive the Nobel Peace Prize.

Incredibly Inane Information about John Bolton.

* When John Bolton combs out his mustache, he finds enough crumbs to feed several third-world nations.

* John Bolton recently discovered the vaccine against being crippled. Well, he stopped randomly punching people, which amounts to the same thing.

* When he's angry, John Bolton's mustache bristles with enough static electricity to power several large cities or a small country. He currently supplies the energy needs for Liechtenstein and Bavaria.

* John Bolton's steely gaze can cause a man's head to explode. By oversleeping each morning, he spares all the occupants of the 6:47 B-line subway. It's a shame about the riders of the 9:29 though...

* John Bolton discovered the only thing in nature harder than diamond - his fist.

* John Bolton brought a dead kitten to life by rubbing it with his mustache. Too bad the static discharge incinerated it moments later.

* John Bolton can't walk on water. That's because water is afraid of him and moves away from his feet. John Bolton became the first person to walk across the bed of the East River that way.

* John Bolton can cure hiccups. If your head doesn't explode first.

* When informed that he was selected as a nominee for the Nobel Prize, John Bolton said of the selection committee, "I like them. I'll kill them last."

* John Bolton lied about that.

* John Bolton has had two number one pop singles... oh wait, that was Michael Bolton.

(This has been a Precision Guided Humor Assignment.)

PGHA: Cool T-Shirt

Last week, Harvey speculated that the reason Ms Sheehan (you know, the one who thinks that the whole war was just an excuse for Bush to murder her son) and Congressional wife Beverly Young were kicked out of the State of the Union Address wasn't just because they weren't dressed formally enough. But it was because they weren't wearing cool enough t-shirts.

Then he wondered what t-shirt would be cool enough to wear that wouldn't get you kicked out.

Boy. This is so absurdly easy I can't believe he had to ask.

Nuke the Moon! Of course.

Now I can go back to playing World of Warcraft.

PGHA: Hamas' First 100 Days

So, now that Hamas is an election winning governmental power over the Palestinians, a little birdie told me what they hope to accomplish in their first 100 days in power.

Terrorists Without Borders - Hamas doesn't want to kill all the Jews in Isreal. Now that they have authority, they plan on expanding to wanting to kill all the Jews in the world. (All the Jews in the United States were already tentatively penciled into their plans.)

Organized Soccer - Hamas plans on reaching out to the young people of the area by creating youth soccer leagues. There, the young men and women (wearing burkas) will learn good sportsmanship and athletic skills. And in the Inter-faith matches with young Israelis, they can blow themselves up as soon as they get close enough to the goalie! In fact, it should be fun for all ages.

Bombs For Food - Anticipating the withdrawal of American monetary support for the Palestinian government, Hamas has instituted a program to help determine who gets the remaining aid (primarily given by other Islamic nations... and France). Basically, unless you have a family member -no less than twice removed- blow themselves up while killing Israelis, your family doesn't receive any aid.

And finally, to soften their image of being a bunch of fanatical dark-green headband wearing Jew haters, they will be changing over to pastel green headbands. With light blue for away games.

PGHA: Code of Conduct

Harvey, who is apparently too impatient to just wait for the news to come out, recently asked this question at The Alliance HQ:

What items will be included in the Democrats' newly proposed "Congressional Code of Conduct"?

Well, from what I was able to beat out of a Congressional Aide, the new Congressional Code of Conduct (as proposed by the Democrats) will include (but not be limited to) the following:

* No member of Congress may accept a gift of greater than $50, unless it's from, you know, a really close friend.

* No member of Congress may speak ill of any other member. Unless there's a (D) after the speakers name.

* No member of Congress may be a member of a radical group or organization. Such as: the Nazi Party, the Boy Scouts, the NRA, the Book of the Month Club, etc.

* No member of Congress may blog, talk to bloggers, or knowingly be nice to a blogger. (Unless the blogger is from a "respectable" site like DU or Daily Kos.)

* No member of Congress may drink themselves into a state of insensibility. (Members of Congress already in this condition will be grandfathered in... also known as the Kennedy Clause.)

* Any member of Congress committing even the smallest infraction against any rule or law, including traffic and sporting, will be held up before the public as an example of their malfesience. (As long as the media is paying any attention.)

That was all I was able to get out of the Aide before he lost consciousness. But I'm sure that he didn't leave out too much that was important...

PGHA: Splash's Book

Believe it or not, Teddy Kennedy's dog Splash (yes, that's really his name) has written a book. My Senator and Me: A Dog's Eye View of Washington, D. C. In keeping with the combined writing abilities of a U.S. Senator and a hunting dog, it's a children's book, of course.

I managed to get a pre-publication copy of the book, and have some of my favorite excerpts from the book.

I don't know why Daddy (Splash calls Kennedy "Daddy"... cause you know how much Democrats hate the word "master.") always makes that nice Abramoff guy use the back door. He always brings both of us presents... - pg. 6.

Daddy came home early that night. And he had a woman's hand print on the side of face. I wonder why? - pg. 9.

I wonder if Daddy will ever bring me back any leftovers from those waitress sandwiches he keeps going out for... - pg. 12.

There you have it, some of the best excerpts from the new book My Senator and Me: A Dog's Eye View of Washington, D.C.!

PGHA: Hollywood Propaganda

Over at The Alliance HQ, Harvey seems to think that the Hollywood elite are somehow Anti-America. And he even cites some recent movie releases to say that they are also Pro-Terrorist. I guess that's his opinion.

But I don't see how these upcoming new releases show any Ant-American/Pro-Terrorist sentiments...

Unlawfully Imprisoned - The story of a lonely man's rise to power, the ruthless pursuit that drove him into hiding, and the illegal imprisonment that followed.

Dialysis Run - The courageous tale of a band of misfits who battle the forces of evil in an effort to get a dialysis machine to an ailing holy man.

No Votes for Bonzo - An animated movie about a silly Monkey who runs for President of the United States and wins due to a dastardly plot run by his evil Elephant friends. But who is then defeated by a recount done by the honest and valiant Donkeys. In the unrated DVD release, Bonzo starts an illegal war with the Camels across the sea.

America is Evil and the Terrorists Freedom Fighters are Right - This is just a working title for a documentary by Michael Moore about the underlying causes for the so-called "War on Terror."

See, I don't see any political agendas there at all!

PGHA: Saddam's Children's Book

The latest big rumor out of Saddam's trial is that Saddam is going to be writing a children's book. I guess he heard how much support writing one did for 'Tookie' Williams...

It's still in pre-production. So I wasn't able to get more than a synopsis of the book. But this is what they've got so far...

The book is tentatively titled The Evil Kurds and the Magic Mustache.

It's the heartwarming story of the good-hearted, Kind Leader of a desert nation who is constantly attacked and ridiculed by a band of Evil Kurds. He tries everything he can think of to stop them; from asking them nicely to go away, to asking the United Nations to make them go away. But the Evil Kurds have the backing of a monstrous dictatorship over the sea, so the U.N. is powerless to help the Kind Leader.

Finally, the Kind Leader's mustache magically comes alive to help the Kind Leader defend his nation. It creates a 'magic cloud' which drives the Evil Kurds away. Only the truly wicked Evil Kurds are, regrettably, killed by the 'magic cloud'.

And then, everyone who isn't dead lives happily ever after!

Reportedly, Saddam himself will not only be writing the book, he will also be doing all the illustrations as well. If I can manage to get my hands on any of his drafts, I'll be sure to share...

PGHA: Where are the troops going?

Wow, with all the family stuff going on around Christmas, I almost forgot that the rest of the world was still going on. You know, politics and things.

In fact, I didn't even see the news that "Secretary of Terrorist Killin', Donald Rumsfeld stated that 7000 troops currently stationed in Iraq will be deployed... somewhere else."

But I think that I did hear something about where the troops are going to be ending up.

About half of them are coming here to Buffalo to shore up the Bills' offensive line...

The rest seem to be going to Wisconsin for a similar reason.

PGHA: Those wacky Iranians

Oh, those wacky Iranians.... Just weeks after proclaiming that Isreal had no right to exist and that the Holocaust never happened, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad issued another contreversial statement to the press.

When during a routine press briefing, he was asked about the upcoming Christmas Celebrations around the world, he erupted into a speach denouncing the Holiday and anyone who celebrates it.

Ahmadinegad: There is no Christmas in Iran! Christmas doesn't exist here, and has no right to exist anywhere else. It's all a Zionist Conspiracy anyways! Santa doesn't exist. He's just a marketing ploy by the JOOOOOOOOOOS! *spittle starts flying* And he never brought me my monkey!

And if we see his fat, red hide in our airspace again, we'll shoot him down with those missles we told everyone we don't have! And then we'll nuke his little toy shop at the North Pole! Yeah. that'll show everyone...

At this point his security managed to shut off the cameras. But reporters also say that as Ahmadinegad was "ushered" off stage by his advizers, they could hear him muttering under his breath.. "And I'll get everyone of those Whos down in Whoville too..."

PGHA: Amendments to the Patriot Act

Hmmmm... a thought experiment. Let's first imagine that somehow (with nobody checking my background) I became a U.S. Senator over night. Maybe one of my current Senators, like our Junior Senator from New York suddenly sees the error of her ways... or flees ahead of a grand jury indictment or something. Which somehow leads to me becoming one of my state's Senators. Just in time for the upcoming discussions on The Patriot Act.

What provisions would I want to put in it?

Well, on the subject of air-line safety, I'd want mandatory handgun training for all pilots. Mandatory Ninja training for all flight attendants. And knife dispensers at all boarding terminals. If everyone on the plane has a knife, and I'm talking about one of those good solid Buck locking-back knives, no one is going to be afraid of some terrorist with a box-cutter.

And if the terrorist somehow gets past the other passengers, they'd still have to face the Ninja flight attendants, and a probably really pissed pilot with a .45. (Those guys are responsible for all the messes that occur on the plane. And while they personally don't have to clean up all the blood stains, the paperwork is a real pain in the butt.)

Then to beef up our borders, I'd want to install Border Catapults. I don't care if it's a trebuchet, a more Romanesque mangonel, or a giant sling-shot. I just want any illegal aliens who are caught to get a quick return trip. I'd put those Minutemen guys in charge of it.

The Border Catapults would allow us to quickly return illegal aliens across the also newly installed Border Hedge of Thorns without getting anyone needlessly tangled in the thorns. At least once we get the trajectory stuff all figured out...

The Border Hedge of Thorns should allow America to protect it's borders without a lot of complaining from those Enviro-nuts. Actually, I wouldn't hold my breath on that. They'd probably complain even if you installed a ten mile wide Border Wildlife Sanctuary. (They'd complain that all the illegals tramping across it were doing so much damage that elevated walk ways should be installed...) So forget the Enviro-nuts. But I still like the Border Hedge of Thorns.

My only final thought on what to add to the Patriot Act would be some rule stating that the New England Patriots were no longer to be allowed to beat the Buffalo Bills. Or at least had to give the Bills 30 45 points...

PHGA: A Cloud For Your Silver Lining

This week's exercise in absurdity as suggested by Harvey is to:

1) Find actual good news in the War on Terror and 2) put anti-war spin on it to make it sound like bad news.

First, the good news!

US says 22 Taliban killed in Afghanistan

And now the spin!

US munitions continue to be used at alarming rate

KABUL (Reuters: Pessimism branch) In Afghanistan, ammunition supplies were further depleted this week as US-lead forces clashed with guerillas. Three American soldiers as well as five of other nationalities were injured in the battle.

In another attack on guerilla strongholds, a cache of arms was captured. Unfortunately, none of the munitions are compatible with those used by the US-led forces. So no replenishment of the dwindling supplies occurred. Official sources speculate that the captured ammo may be sold on the black market to further fund the US-led occupation.

Some guerilla forces may have been killed in the action. However, casualty figures are in some dispute at this time.

Hey, that's petty good. I may have a future with the LA Times...

PGHA: Cindy Sheehan's Book - Review

(THIS IS ALL FAKE! I HAVE NOT READ THIS BOOK AND HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO! DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A REAL REVIEW. THIS IS A HUMOR PIECE. I know that she has lost her son, and that's a pain that I can not even begin to understand. However, her continued use of this tragedy for what is a personal agenda makes this an allowable target for parody.)

Recently, Cindy Sheehan, in another attempt to further her political agenda, wrote a book. It's already in paperback...

But one of the more recent things I've added to There's One, Only! is reviews. Movie, game and book. (OK, so I haven't done to many of them) Now I haven't read Sheehan's book. And have no plans of ever reading it. So, since I can't review it, I interviewed some prominent Liberal policy makers (I figure they'd have the most positive opinions).

So, here are the reviews as given by a bunch of Liberals:

A moving tale of a woman and her grief. And I'd like to help console her any way I can. *wink* *wink* - Bill Clinton

It's going to be a best seller in New York, in New Hampshire, and then Nebraska, and then Ohio and.... Yeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrghh! - Howard Dean

Of course I agree with everything she wrote, whole heartedly... wait a minute, this is off the record, right? - Hillary Clinton

Well, it didn't blame Bush as much as I'd like - only every other sentence or so. But it would still be a good book to send to one of those war-mongering soldiers over there. - Ted Rall

Mmmm. Cheeseburgers. - Michael Moore

Ms. Sheehan is such an eloquent writer that I'd hook up with her in a second if I wasn't already married to... what's her name again? - Bill Clinton

I wish the mother of one of the men who died under my command had written something like this when I was wounded - three times - in Vietnam... where I received three Purple Hearts. - John Kerry

This is almost as good as that book I wrote on traffic safety. - Ted Kennedy

I just love her hair! - John Edwards

Did I mention that I really feel her pain and would like to help her feel better? - Bill Clinton

I can't wait to play Cindy when they make the movie from this book! - Barbra Streisand

A million more marchers should read this book! Which proves that Bush blew up New Orleans! - Louis Farrakan

PGHA: Spinning like a top.

Harv asked this question of all the people who were calling for Saddam's head and or claiming he had WMD's a few years ago, but who are now saying President Bush lied about those things.

How can these people justify calling George Bush a liar for saying the same things they said themselves?

I found one of these prominent people to ask him directly.

He answered, "Well, it's very complicated and hard to explain. But basically - LOOK! IS THAT A MOUNTAIN LION!?" And then he ran away.

It was actually the most coherent discussion I've ever had with a Liberal...

PGHA: Media Patriotism

The question: Is the Media patriotic?

Answer: Yes, of course. However, you have to take into account what country they're being patriotic for. The Peoples Republic of Liberaltania. In the little world that they live in, that's where they swear allegience to. And TPRoL is and always has been at war with America. So, anything that they say to destroy or harm the U.S. is considered just part of normal espionage.

See, you shouldn't question the Media's patriotism. You just have to find out what country they belong to.

PGHA: The French Riots

I was able to get an inside scoop on what's going on over in France. Or at least an inside scoop on why the riots are happening. An old friend of Slinky the Wonder Ferret* managed to get a copy of the Manifesto being issued by the leaders of the rioters.

A Declaration of Violence

We the poor, underappreciated, downtrodden yet rightful rulers of France declare that no longer will we let ourselves be subject to the Unlawful oppression of the French Oppressors. We will no longer let the elected leaders of a country that should by all rights be ours so flagrantly flaunt our wishes. You have ignored us at your own peril, and now you must reap the fruits of your inaction.

When we made our pleas, you didn't listen. When we threatened, well... you ran away, but without doing what we really wanted you to do. Now that we have erupted with a righteous violence, you must do what we say!

For too long this blasphemy has gone on. And now you have no choice but to subject yourselves to our commands! This is your final chance. If you do not acquiesce, we will have no other option but to take things to the next level. And you don't want to know what that is.

So we are warning you for the very last time. In Allah's name, all Jerry Lewis movies must be taken off the air!

* This old friend was a member of the Swiss Special Forces, and Slinky saved him from an avalanche in the Swiss Alps. Apparently, the man lost his Swiss Army knife and was helpless without it untill Slinky showed up to help him. What Slinky was doing in the Alps, I've never been able to figure out. He didn't invite me along... not that I'd have been able to go anyways, what with my work schedule and all.

PGHA: Happy U.N.Birthday

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you.
You act like a bunch of monkeys,
And you smell like them too!

It was time for the big party to celebrate the U.N.'s big 60th birthday, and everyone was looking forward to it.

Let's take a look at what had been done over at the U.N. building for the party...

D -31: Kofi Annan announces that a party for all poor people will be held in one month to celebrate all that the U.N. has done for the downtrodden people of the world.

D -20: The Pre-Party-Planning Committee announces it has only three more sessions to go before they can finally decide on who can attend the party-planning committee meeting.

D -17: Kofi Annan sets up a catering fund and places Kojo in charge.

D -15: The entire Middle-East demands that Israel not be allowed to attend the party.

D -14: They also demand that the U.S. can only come if they make all their women were burnouses.

D -13: Final Pre-Party-Planning Committee meeting is held. China boycotts.

D -12: Party-Planning Committee meets for the first time at up-scale New York Restaurant. Refuse to pay dinner tab.

D -11: France demands U.N. Resolution to only allow French wine to be served at the party.

D -10: Kofi Annan sets up a catering fund and places Kojo in charge.

D -7: Party-Planning Committee looks into having U.N. Peacekeeper forces provide security, but decide against it when they cannot locate enough underage prostitutes for the officers.

D -6: U.N. passes resolution demanding that the U.S. pay for all of the party costs.

D -4: Kofi Annan sets up a catering fund and places Kojo in charge.

D -2: Catering supplies are packaged and prepared for shipment to the many party locations.

D-day: All the poor people show up, but none of the catered food arrives. Lavish party held at Kofi Annan's penthouse suite; for his close personal friends only.

D +1: Kofi Annan denies any knowledge of catering fund mishandling.

D +5: Frantic searching of warehouses turns up nothing.

D +7: U.N. demand that America pay for the party like they were ordered to.

D +42: Large crates marked "Catering Supplies" arrive at a French warehouse owned by Kofi Annan.

PGHA: Saddam Quotes

It's the latest "Trial of the Century." No, not Cheney being indicted for the high crime of being a Republican who supports the President. Saddam's trial. You remember him, "Spider Hole" Sadam, "The Butcher of Baghdad" ... the guy with the big mustache that's now a beard?

That's right! His trial is finally starting. And because Harvey doesn't want to have to wait untill the end, he asked us to speculate a little and come up with:

What will be the most memorable quotes to emerge from the trial of Saddam Hussein?

Here's what I came up with:

"I will kill anyone who says that I'm a murdering monster!"

"I don't recognize the authority of this trial! And I don't recognize the authority of this judge! And I don't recognize my lawyer. Who are all these people? Who am I?" - Saddam trying for the "Amnesia" defence.

"Give me freedom or give me death! Oh wait, that didn't come out the way I wanted..."

"I'd like to request a 50-year recess while I die of old age."

"Hey, when's that England chick going to lead me around like a dog in nothing but a collar?"

"You know, if I'm found not guilty, I bet you'll get to be on Oprah..." - to the judge during deliberations

"Ackkkkkk Urk." - Last words as his sentence is carried out.

PGHA: Al-Qaeda's New Strategic Plan

Sometimes I think Harvey is just a little too friendly. No, not in that creepy-old-guy-handing-out-candy-to-young-kids way. It's just that he keeps wanting us to lend a hand in helping people who are our sworn enemies. The U.N., Democrats, Michael Moore... and yet again, the terrorist Islamofascist murdering scumbags er, tango's in Al-Qaeda.

Namely, he wants us to help them come up with a better strategic gameplan for Al-Qaeda to use.

After a bit of thinking, (and a double-cheese bowl of nachos) I was able to come up with a fool-proof plan.

The most important thing is coordination, so the first step is for everyone in Al-Qaeda to get together for a massive organizational meeting. They should bring all their weapons and bombs and stuff with them, in order to facilitate proper distribution.

Then, in step two, they should blow up all the ordinence.

In step three, the population of Iraq, once the partying was over and no longer constantly attacked by the tangos form their own free and representative government.

Finally, in step four, the United States graciously removes it's armed forces from Iraq (as we've promised to do from day one...) and allows the free people of Iraq govern and protect themselves.

See, in just four easy steps, they can get the United States out of Iraq!

Let's review:

Step 1. Get Everyone In Al-Qaeda In One Place

Step 2. Blow Them Up.

Step 3. Party And Create Free Representative Government.

Step 4. America Goes Home

See how easy that is.

PGHA: Ramadan

This week at The Alliance, Harvey wanted us to play nice and come up with some ways to help the Islamo-fascist-terrorist-scum (Oops, sorry about that, let's just call them tangos. You know, the phonetic word for "T" which stands for terrorist. 'Sides it sounds like mangoes, and everyone likes mangoes.) tangos celebrate Ramadan.

Well, I don't know much about Islamic holidays, but I seemed to remember reading somewhere that Ramadan was one of those fast holidays. Not fast as in it goes by quickly, like Christmas to a little kid. But fast as in you aren't allowed to eat anything. From what I understand, this is strictly observed during the daylight hours, and then at night, you can feast like a... well, certainly not some sort of porcine farm animal, but you get the general drift.

Now, all these *ahem* tangos claim to be the most religious and strictest adherents to the Islamic faith. So the way I figure to help them celebrate Ramadan better, is to encourage them to go whole ho- er, not take any half measures. None of this only during the day stuff. Remember, the sun is always shining somewhere.

So if you're a tango celebrating Ramadan, don't just not eat during the day. Don't eat at all for the entire month! And then, if you want to show how much better you are than all the other tangos who are merely fasting by not eating, don't drink any water or any other liquids either. That'll show them who's the most religious little tango.

And then, for the final tie breaker, you can give up breathing for Ramadan too. Oxygen is just a crutch for the weak anyways.

Remember, if you're a tango out there who want's help celebrating Ramadan, just let us at The Alliance know. I'm sure that everyone will be glad to help you with my suggestions.

PGHA: Counter Protest Equipment

I don't go to rallies or protests much myself. Well, ever, really. I don't like crowds. It's not that I'm afraid of them, or even all that uncomfortable being in one. I just don't like them that much. The only time you can get me into a crowd is if there is a major sporting event that I want to see.

But none of that makes me unquallified to tell you what you should bring to protest an anti-war protest, should you happen to want to go to one.

Of course, just because I'm qualified to tell you doesn't mean that I'm capable of coming up with any ideas.

The only thing that I can think of is the rumor that like the French, most Hippies can be rendered powerless with the use of personal hygene products. So when faced with an anti-war protest, I recomend bringing soap. Lots and lots of soap. And deoderant.

PGHA: A New Secretary General

Even though he doesn't seem to have any intention of stepping down from his position, someday Kofi Annan will be replaced as the Secretary General of the United Nations. The question then becomes; who will replace Annan at that post?

But Kofi Annan has so many different qualities, how could you replace him with just one person? The replacement chosen would have to be picked to follow in his footsteps in at least one of Annan's strengths.

For example, if you wished to emulate his ability to head a bureaucracy, incapable of actually accomplishing anything, you would appoint an inanimate carbon rod. A piece of equipment used to absorb neutrons and thereby inhibit nuclear reactions would have no trouble keeping the bureaucracy of the U.N. at a standstill.

If you were looking for someone to continue along Kofi Annan's lines of incessantly blocking anything that could possibly be beneficial to the United States, you would have to look long and hard to find a better candidate than Ms. Cindy Sheehan. Whether it's protesting America's involvement in Iraq, or accusing America of causing hurricanes that focus on poor people, Ms. Sheehan is your woman.

Of course, if you're seeking a replacement for the person responsible for U.N. troops who rape, loot, and make child pornography videos... well let's just say that that man is already applying for the job. And his initials are W. J. C.

If you want to find someone with the same amount of haughtiness and arrogance, you might have to go overseas. I'm pretty sure that Jacques Chirac stays at home in Paris as much as possible. You know, so as to not have to associate with undesirables.

Finally, you may want someone to continue the unabashed Anti-Semitism that runs throughout the U.N. For that position, you could choose Louis Farrakhan (also a contender for the Anti-American position), Al Sadr, or Ms. Sheehan again (the Jooos caused the war in Iraq, you know).

All in all, I'd opt for the inanimate carbon rod. At least with the U.N. doing nothing, they aren't causing any problems.

PGHA: Gitmo Hunger Strike

I heard that some of the detainees in Gitmo have started to go on a hunger strike. The reporting in the MSM is that this is all in protest of prison conditions that don't conform to the Geneva Convention. Of course the fact that their actions didn't conform to the Geneva Convention don't factor into any of their thinking.

Well, I thought that the Media explanation of the hunger strike was a little bit too much in line with MSM thinking to be a coincidence, so I decided to dig a little deeper to find out the real reasons why they were refusing food. So I cashed in a few of my imaginary frequent flyer miles (I often scrunch myself into a small chair in a closet with a packet of peanuts, a swinging boot on a string kicking the back of the chair while a tape of random children screaming plays, with the vacuum running outside the door; to pretend that I'm flying all around the world.)

So, a short time later, I found myself outside the prison compound at Gitmo. At first, when they saw my computer bag, the guards were a little leery of letting me in. But then I explained that I was a blogger, and that I was there to prove the Media wrong. Immediately, two soldiers hoist me up on their shoulders and carried me into the compound. A small brass band started playing as I was carried down a red carpet to meet the commander of the base.

When I had explained what I was there to do, he was very helpful. At first he offered to give me a guided tour of the facility, but I wanted to make sure that there was no chance of anyone thinking that I was unduly influenced, so I declined. After being issued a small pointy stick for personal protection, they let me into the area where the hunger striking prisoners were living.

Several hours later, I had quite a few answers. Aside from the large component of terrorists who were protesting the fact that they had lost the headlines in the MSM, there were some surprising reasons behind the strikes.

One group of terrorists were protesting the Burger King Ice Cream Cones.

Another few terrorists were actually claiming that they had never really bought into the whole religious diet thing, and weren't going to eat another bite until they got some bacon and a couple of ham sandwiches.

There were also some others protesting the diet. They said that they were raised on traditional Mid-Eastern food, and they complained that the food fed to them at Gitmo didn't contain enough sand. (One of them was actually afraid that if he didn't feel the grinding sensation while he ate, that his teeth would grow untill they pierced his brain and killed him. When I pointed out that not eating wasn't going to make his teeth stop growing either, he quickly started scrabbling around on the floor looking for some dirt to eat.)

Two of the terrorists were protesting the cancelation of "Desperate Housewives." When I explained to them that it was merely the end of the season, and not the end of the series, they called off their strike.

And one rather confused terrorist was refusing food so that his rations could be donated to the relief efforts helping the people displaced by Hurricane Katrina. I patted him on the shoulder and told him to keep up the good work. I figured it may have been the only good thing he had done in his life...

PGHA: U.N. Hurricane Relief

Last week, I noted that the U.N. was sending help to the areas struck by Katrina. Apparently, I only saw the tip of the iceberg...

While researching the matter more thoroughly, I discovered that Kofi Annan had directed the U.N. to set up an "Oil for Flood" program. This new program is designed to allow the hurricane damaged Gulf Coast region sell oil in order to raise funds to help rebuild the area.

The U.N. program is to be headed up by three of Kofi's lesser known sons. Kublai Annan, Khan Annan, and Bob Annan. Their job is to direct the sales of oil through the "proper channels" in order to "maximize the benefits" to the area.

When New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin was questioned about the proposed program, he was elated. "We'll have the SuperDome rebuilt in no time. With an Olympic Swimming pool this time!" he promised. Adding "And I'm sure it'll raise everyone's spirits to see the new Mayor's Mansion we have planned."

French President Jaques Chirac also commented on the news. "We'll be happy to give the U.N. any kickbacks... I mean, assistance that they require to make sure things run smoothly."

PGHA: Blaming Katrina on Bush

<lefty rant>

I KNOW HOW TO BLAME HURRICANE KATRINA ON BUSH!!!!

It's so simple in it's complexity. Yet it's so complex that it's simple.

The Chaos Theory holds that something as small as a butterflies wings flapping can cause or prevent a terrible storm on the other side of the world. Basically, small changes at the beginning of a system can have massive effects at the end. So something tiny that Bush did can be considered directly resposible for Katrina.

Now I know that at this point you want to blame Bush for killing the butterfly that would have prevented Katrina from forming. Unfortunately, as hard as we try to, we can't actually find any evidence of Bush personally killing any butterflies.

But there is one difference between Bush and nearly every other previous President of the United States. Bush, for whatever reason, is the most athletically oriented President the country has seen in ages. Unlike more respected Presidents (Clinton, Carter) Bush spend as much of his free time as possible excersizing outdoors. One day he's jogging. The next day he's riding his bike.

The disruptions in the normal airflow of the world cannot be ignored! With all the eddies and swilrs from his constantly moving feet, it's a wonder that we haven't been innundated by more monster storms. In fact, I believe that we will be feeling the consequenses from his reckless fitness regimen for decades to come.

Based on these assumptions, we can now blame all future weather-related catastrophies on President Bush. If he'd only been a couch potato, none of these tragedies would have happened.
</lefty rant>

Sorry about all that, I think that the slight fever I've had most of the day kicked into overdrive for a while there. It looks like I may be just a few degrees away from being a knee-jerk liberal after all.

(This has been a Precision Guided Humor Assignment.)

PGHA: Stolen Oil

With the price of oil and gasoline sky rocketing right now in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, I've heard some people asking what President Bush did with all that sweet crude oil he stole from the Iraqis?

The answer is simple. He's got it all in the world's largest water-bed. (It's kept in a secret chamber below the White House.) Although I guess you should call it an oil-bed....

Pretty kinky, Mr. President.

PGHA: Who would I demand to see?

If there was someone that I could camp out in front of his house until he agreed to see me, and then had to answer my question, who would it be? Who would I demand to stop whatever he was doing until he heard what I had to say? Who would I consider to be so important that I had to talk to him, while not caring what he was doing while I interrupted?

Who? And what would I ask?

Gee, I can't come up with anyone. Must be part of that Inferiority Complex that I'm trying to deal with.

Let me try to work up some righteous anger, and I'll be back.

****

I'm back.

At the moment, the only thing that I could think of that would come close, would be to demand to see the Clintons and find out what they really knew about the Abel Danger project. That is, if I could stand to be in the same room as either of them...

PGHA: Running against Hillary

There was big news in New York last week. Jeanine Pirro, the Westchester County District Attorney, announced that she was running for the Republican nomination for Senate in 2006. (Currently, Hillary's seat.) She needs a little help though, she hasn't come up with a campaign slogan yet.

So I thought I'd give her a hand.

First, there's the rhyming slogans.

Vote for Pirro! She's our Hero!

- or -

Vote for Pirro! She's no Zero!

But those would only be good for bumper stickers.

It didn't work too well for Rick Lazio (the Republican candidate in 2000) but there is always:

Pirro. Because she's not Hillary.

Or we could try:

Pirro. She's actually from New York.

And along a similar line:

Pirro. Because New York should be represented by a New Yorker.

But no matter who runs against Hillary, I'm going to vote for him or her. Although, if Pirro does get the nomination, I wouldn't mind seeing:

Pirro! The other white chick!

PGHA: MSM Coverups

It looks like the Main Stream Media is trying to cover up for their little cousin Air America. The coverage of Air America's near outright theft of funds from poor children in New York City is getting about as much press time as the Third Annual Wisconsin Nose Picking Contest.

But if the MSM is covering up this scandal - or at least burying it, the question raised is:

What scandals about themselves are the Mainstream Media trying to keep quiet?

So I gathered together a select group of investigators to see what juicy tidbits they could find.

The first story that my cracked research team found was:

New York Times Staff Beats Up Old Ladies at Nursing Home. - On July 14th, the entire editorial staff of the New York Times was convicted of running a protection racket which extorted money from several Long Island senior care facilities. One elderly woman claims that she was repeatedly beaten by the "hard hitting" political writers when she was a little slow in handing over her life savings.

Rampant Steroid Abuse at CNN. - Shortly following the Congressional hearings on steroid use in Major League Baseball was a much lesser known investigation into the employment of performance enhancing drugs at CNN. One testifier, who requested anonymity, stated, "Some of them just felt that they needed that edge to really run down a story and get the best scoop." Several reporters were given 10 broadcast suspensions, but the Reporter's Union is appealing.

Air America Personalities Charged With Cruelty to Animals. A recent raid by the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) netted over 30 very ill Nicaraguan Poison Arrow Frogs. Charges against the Air America employees state that they were licking the frogs in an attempt to use the hallucinogenic properties of the frogs secretions to alter their perceptions of reality. (Perhaps an explanation for their so called "reality based" programing.) However, the sharp tongued radio broadcasters succeeded only in slicing the backs of the tiny amphibians.

PGHA: The UN-ternet

Hmmm. So the U.N. thinks that it should control the internet.

Yeah, that should be good. Let's see, a huge bloated and corrupt bureaucracy controlling the transfer of information across the world. Who wouldn't want them to be in charge?

Aside from everyone with any brains, that is.

No, to be honest I'm sure that all of the worlds pedophiles would love this to happen. After all, everyone knows that wherever there is rape and molestation, you'll find the U.N.

Although I can't say that I would hold out much hope for the same freedoms of political speech. I could only imagine the reaction to someone writing about how corrupt the U.N. is. But on the other hand, even with all the weight of an U.N. Special Resolution brought to bear on a blogger, I can't see the U.N. actually stopping anyone.

On the other hand, look for official approval of all anti-Semitic sites.

PGHA: Attacking Roberts

I was on a stake-out. It was an electronic one, but a stake-out none the less.

Harvey had sent me on this Mission: Implausible! (Cue Theme Music), but the details don't need going into right now. They're kind of hazy anyways. I've got a hole in my memory, along with a matching one in my kitchen ceiling, about how I got the assignment. But the mission rang clear in my head. I was to find out:

How will the left attack Supreme Court nominee John Roberts?

Which lead me to here. Sitting in an unmarked van (I had to leave the Jeep at the van rental company) outside the building where the Senate Democratic Leaders were meeting. In secret, they thought.

They had seized upon the failure of the Democratic Leadership Meeting To Define What They Stand For, and decided to have a meeting about why they were against Roberts.

I had harnessed Slinky the Wonder Ferret with a video and audio pickup and sent him inside the building to find the meeting. With his ability to navigate the air vents of the structure, I figured it would be no time before he found the right room. Next time, I need to put a receiver on the harness for Slinky to be able to hear me as well. He scurried right by the duct labeled "Secret Democrat Meeting Room" three times before he finally stuck his head in. I'm just lucky that no one heard me yelling at the monitor in the van the whole time. (Yeah, I holler at football games too...)

Finally, after much biting of my nails, Slinky was in place. He set the camera and microphone in the right direction, and must have dozed right off, since I could hear very faint snoring over my head-phones.

It didn't take me long to find out why the little guy had fallen asleep so fast, Joe Lieberman was speaking. For the sake of your sanity and my bandwidth, I won't be able to give you the whole video of the meeting. But here is a transcript of what I saw, before I pulled the tether on Slinky's harness and reeled him to safety.

Lieberman: Well, I have to say, that I have to oppose this candidate because of his stance on foul shots in basketball. My sources tell me that he supports the current rule, which I find to be anti-Semitic. That is why I must vote against his confirmation.

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Dean: Yeaaaaaaargh!

Minority Leader Reid: Chairman Dean, don't make me remove you from this meeting. This is a meeting for Senators, and we are only letting you sit in as a courtesy. Don't make me regret it. Mr. Kennedy, you were next?

Kennedy: Hic' yes. I must declare my opposition to, er... John Roberts because he is against the designated hitter rule. Which is obviously one of the, ah... rights guaranteed under the Constitution. And it means he is a racist.

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Kerry: I have to oppose Roberts because of his support for the rule change removing the Red Line from Hockey. Can we have a judge who would so callously discard years of precedence just to keep his white hockey friend's edge over minority players?

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Clinton: I must oppose Roberts because he is a Buffalo Bills fan. A team that has never had a black quarterback!

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Dean: Yeaaaaaaaargh!

Reid: Chairman! I'm warning you!

Schumer: I too must oppose Roberts. In addition to everything else, he is a NASCAR supporter. A sport almost totally dominated by white men!

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Dean: And he hates grapefruit! Only a racist hates grapefruit!

Reid: Guards! Please escort Mr. Dean out of the meeting.

Dean: Yeaaaaaaa......

Reid: I think that it is clear why we cannot support the President's choice for Supreme Court Justice. From what we can find, Mr. Roberts is obviously a racist. Any correct thinking person would have to come to this conclusion...

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

PGHA: Terrorist Spotting.

Hello boys and girls. Due to increasing government control over the internet, and blogging in particular, many of the large traffic sites may soon be required to provide public service announcements. And even though that could never apply to There's One, Only!, I thought that I'd get in a little practice anyways.

Today's Public Service Announcement is brought to you by the fine people at Bob's Butchers, catering to the hunting community since last Friday. Our motto: You Kill 'Em, We Grill 'Em!

How To Spot A Terrorist

Spotting a terrorist can be very tricky. Sometimes what you think is a terrorist is a perfectly normal, and/or harmless person. Sometimes they're not. That is why we've put together this handy little guide to help you spot Islamic Terrorists.

If you see someone taking pictures of a National Monument, that's probably a tourist.

If you see someone taking pictures of a Nuclear Power Plant or Chemical Storage facility, that person could be a terrorist.

If you see someone walking towards you with a gun in each hand and wearing a funny, wide-brimmed hat, that's probably a Texan.

If you see someone walking towards you with a gun in each hand and their not wearing a funny wide-brimmed hat, that person could be a terrorist.

If someone ties you to a chair and threatens to tear your fingernails out until you say that Americans are Imperialist Pigs, that person is a terrorist.

If someone sits you down in a chair and gives your fingernails a nice buffing and trims your cuticles a little bit, that person is a manicurist.

If someone comes to your house and tries to kill you in the name of Allah, that person could be a terrorist.

If someone comes to your house and tries to take your money in the name of Washington, D.C., that person is probably a tax collector. Not much of an improvement, really.

If someone wants to take the head of a dead animal and mounts it on a plaque, that person is a taxidermist.

If someone wants to kill you because you just had bacon with your breakfast, that person could be a terrorist ...or from PETA.

If someone comes up to you and tells you that alcohol is evil and bad for you, and that you shouldn't drink it for those reasons, that person is a teetotaler.

If someone comes up to you and tells you that alcohol is evil and bad and that they are going to kill you because you just drank a beer, that person is a terrorist.

If a person walks up to you with a large bomb strapped to their chest, and the detonator in their hand, that person is a terrorist.

If someone walks up to you with a funny, five-stringed instrument with a big circle at one end and the skinny end in hid hand, that person is a banjo player. Shoot on sight!

I hope that this public service announcement has been of some small help to those of you out there who are having trouble spotting terrorists.

PGHA: British Retaliation

Everybody's been wondering what the British reaction to the terrorist bombings in London will be.

Well, my sources tell me that the British government is planning on getting their own desolate, deserted island to keep any terrorist plotters they capture.

On an totally unrelated note, they've also shown some interest in renewing some of their weapons testing...

MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

PGHA: Exit Strategies

In keeping with true muckadoo traditions, the lefties are parroting their favorite phrase over and over. "EXIT STRATEGY". All they seem to be able to talk about is how Bush needs an 'Exit Strategy for Iraq." They've even got some of the terrorists themselves talking about it.

Well, I would just like to return the favor.

Mr. Kennedy, remember to always have an Exit Strategy whenever you go out driving. Especially over water.

Ms. Pelosi, did you have an Exit Strategy set up when you started your face-lifts?

Mr. Kerry, I'm sure you don't need to be reminded to have an Exit Strategy whenever you get married.

Maybe you could give Hillary some advice on an Exit Strategy for her marriage.

I know Bill has never had a problem with the Exit Strategy for his pants.

And to How-weird Dean, make sure you have an Exit Strategy when you start screaming. You never know where one of your outbursts can take you.

I'm sure Bin Laden would have liked to have had an Exit Strategy for getting out of his cave.

Apparently, Mr. Chiraq had an Exit Strategy for the negotiations to host the 2012 Olympics. Too bad it was the wrong one.

And just a note to all of the terrorists out there. Next time, make sure you have an Exit Strategy planned before you tick off the most powerful nation the world has ever seen. (One involving leaving the surface of the Earth in one form or another would be good.)

PGHA: Better White House Responses

For this week, Harvey asked the question:

How should the White House respond to incredibly stupid accusations at press conferences?

It's my opinion that the White House is doing a fine job in responding to these types of questions, but with the media the way it is the public never gets to hear the responses. All the people of America end up hearing are the stupid accusations.

This could be changed by using the power of TV in a different way. First, lets try...

SURVIVOR: WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM

- Have a group of "regular" people answering questions from the media, and at the end of each session, one of them get's voted out of the Press Room. Have disgusting challenges that they can win to gain immunity, like... who can rub Helen Thomas' feet the longest, or who can lick Dan Rather's boots the best.

Or we could tap into the teen drama market...

Announcer: Next, on a very special Press Briefing, Scott McClellan reveals how he lost his virginity.

Scott McClellen: THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!

Perhaps we could let the Who's Line crew take over...

Drew Carey: And our next game is "World's Worst." Show me the world's worst person to be Press Secretary.

Ryan Styles: Hello, my name is Howard. Yeaaaaaarrrrrghh!!

Colin Mochrie: (Holding one hand up like a hook and squinting with one eye) Arrrrr. What's the question me maties?

But if we really want people to tune in to a Press Briefing, we need to tap into AI. That's right;
American Idol: Press Secretary
But we might need to get someone other than Simon to head up the judging... we don't want to see a Press Secretary cry on national television.

So remember, the problem isn't the message that the White House is giving, it's finding a way to get America to listen.

PGHA: Where to put the terrorists?

Well, it seems like every Democrat, and many of the more spinally-challenged Republicans are crying at the plight of the detainees at GITMO, and are demanding... well demand is too strong a term, more like they are whining that GITMO should be closed down.

Of course none of them have put forward the first idea about what to do with the terrorists that are being held there once the camp has been closed down. I guess that would be too constructive an idea for their little political control circuits to handle.

So, in an effort to be friendly, Harvey over at Alliance HQ, asked us to help out and come up with some possible new locations to keep the terrorists.

My first thought was to make a Democrat put his money where his mouth is. Namely, to keep the terrorists in the famous Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport. But after a few moments thought, I realized that we wouldn't be able to guarantee the safety of the detainees, or any of the female military personnel. I'm not sure that we could afford the rent there either. Not to mention that we shouldn't be writing a check to another Socialist.

The next thought was to use Jackson's Neverland Ranch. But I'm pretty sure that just the thought of sending someone there would be considered cruel and unusual punishment. I'd even have to side with Amnesty International in protesting that location.

If we have a few years before the camp is closed, then my home county of Erie County, NY could be used. By then the entire population should be gone as the County Legislature continues to tax us into oblivion. Plus, with the welfare state that is already in existence, we would be in a position to take care of a bunch of free-loading terrorists who aren't actually producing anything while being in incarceration. But this could only be a solution if GITMO remained open for a few more years before being shut down.

I tried to think of places that have the pre-existing skills necessary to handle relatively large groups of grumpy people, and most of them had to be deemed inappropriate in some way or another. For example, if you put them in the visiting team's section of a football stadium, they would be possibly subject to contamination by the free-flowing alcohol usually found there, not to mention the cheerleaders.

A place like Disney World, has similar problems. I mean, if being forced to stand for hours in an un-air conditioned environment is torture, then the lines for Space Mountain or the Epcot Center put even the Gulags to shame. And I think the It's A Small World ride is in a torture class all it's own.

Hey, there's always the Hotel California. There's plenty of room at the Hotel California. Only one problem there; you can check out any time you want, but you can never leave.

Unfortunately, after several hours of thought, all of the other places that I could think of that would do as good a job of keeping the detainees as GITMO were all imaginary. Like the Matrix, that two-dimensional thing they put the bad guys into in Superman I and II, Isengard tower from The Lord of the Rings, ...North Dakota.

Of course all of them have problems as well. In the Matrix, there is always the possibility of THE ONE arising to destroy the Matrix and free everyone. With the Superman two-dimensional prison, there is no way to get any information out of the terrorists. Isengard would only hold the terrorists untill the Ents got bored and let them escape. And I'm pretty sure that North Dakota doesn't really exist. (Rumor has it, that the words "North Dakota" are only on maps in the same way that ancients used to put "Here be dragons." You know, just as filler.)

So, I guess in conclusion, I can't think of anyplace better for those terrorist detainees than where they are right now. And I'm guessing that unlike most of the Democratic Leadership, I actually sat down and thought about it for a while.

Addendum: Other places considered and discarded.

The floor of the United States Senate. They aren't using it for anything constructive, but it would really only hold 100 terrorists.

Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. [Boris]Moose and Squirrel are torturing Fearless Leader's followers.[/Boris]

Winn-Dixie. I heard that the chain is closing hundreds of it's stores. You would be able to spread the terrorists around to all of the closed stores, but the contamination from the deli sections would cause riots in the Moslem world.

PGHA: Dean Quotes

I only have a slight fever today, so that probably means that I'm no longer qualified to try to figure out what How-weird Dean is going to be saying next.

I guess I should have written this yesterday when I had a 100.7 deg fever. But while my mind may have been in the right state, I just didn't have the energy to type much.

And so, without further ado, here are some of my predictions for future Dean Quotes:

Those Republicans are just a bunch of people who think that America is better than the terrorists!

Our military are just a bunch of jack-booted baby-killers. It wouldn't be bad if they only killed fetuses, but waiting untill they are born and then killing them is just cruel.

Those stupid Republicans are so intolerant of any ideas they see as harming America.

Why won't the Republicans do what we say? It's like they think they won the last election.

Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Waaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! Those evil Republicans stole my binky!

I am the Walrus!

Oooh. My head hurts. It's like Karl Rove put a micro-chip in there or something...

That's all I can come up with.

PGHA: Fantasy Headlines

Well, it's Wednesday. And everyone knows what that means!

...

Er, is anyone going to tell me? Oh yeah! It's time for another Precision Guided Humor Assignment.

This week's is: What headlines or news stories do YOU fantasize about seeing in 2006?

So I am going to dig deep into my subconscious to see what I can find.

Clinton looses NY Senate Seat
- Hillary stunned. "I thought I had the voting rigged better than that! I mean..."

Kofi Annan indicted
- Annan stunned. "I thought I had the investigation rigged better than that!"

Saddam found guilty!
- Hussein stunned. "I thought I had bribed the jury enough."

Scientists find that short, prematurely greying men are the worlds greatest lovers.
- Oops, that one wasn't supposed to get in there.

Hollywood stages protest against Bush. No one shows up.
- Actors are stunned. "We thought everyone was just a bunch mindless drones who did whatever we said. Now we might have to actually make movies people like."

NY blogger wins $200 Million Mega-Millions Lottery!
- GEBIV ecstatic. Vows to get a better computer.

That about does it for my subconscious this week.

PGHA: Zarqawi's Get Well Card

Last week, the news reported that Zarqawi, the Al Qaeda leader in Iraq had been wounded. Apparently, the other radical Moslem clerics supporting him released this information in an effort to get more Moslems to pray for Zarqawi's recovery.

And since we in the West are so sympathetic about other's injuries and infirmities, Harvey suggested at the Alliance that we should all send Zarqawi our own sympathies and some "get well" cards.

After searching Hallmark for about four nano-seconds, I decided that they just didn't have anything appropriate for a wounded, fanatical Islamo-Fascist Terrorist. So I sat down at the computer and worked on something of my own.

Here's the front of the card.

The inside is in the extended entry.

Oh, I almost forgot!

Hugs and Kisses - From the U.S. of A.

PGHA: Newsweek

I was too busy this week to come up with what I thought should happen to Newsweek over their story about the Quran.

However, I was able to find the newest ad campaign for Newsweek.

PGHA: How to deal with Commie China

Last week was all about Iran, this week, the question is:

What are the next steps America should take in dealing with Communist China?

First, make sure you're talking about the right China. Remember, there is The Peoples Republic of China; they're the Commies. You know, the ones always beating their citizens and throwing them in prison.

Then, there is Taiwan, they're the Chinese that everybody likes, but don't want to officially recognize. They only beat American Little League teams, and haven't really even done that since the mid 90's.

Finally, there is fine china; that's a type of delicate porcelain plate ware. It beats using paper plates for dinner by a long shot. But is otherwise totally irrelevant to this discussion.

With Communist China, you have to identify what about them needs to be dealt with. First, they have nukes. And, thanks to one of our former Presidential Administrations, they now have the ability to fire them at us. What really needs to be done there, is to:

One, finish the SDI missile defense system. But don't tell them about it.

Next, we send over some really good computer hackers to change all the targeting software on their missiles to point directly back at themselves. Then, since they don't know about our new SDI system, when they think they have a chance to pop us with some thermonuclear fire, they drop them right back on their own heads.

The next threat that Communist China poses is their huge Peoples Liberation Army. (Don't you just love a military that has to hide behind the euphemisms "Peoples" and "Liberation"?) The only thing that I can think of to deal with them involves the fact that they are currently not quite as technologically advanced as our military is when it comes to navigation. What we need to do is gain control of all the map-makers and change all of the labels. Switch The United States of America with Antarctica. They'll be down there chasing penguins for months before they figure it out. And on the other hand, it won't affect to many Americans as many of them can't find America on a map anyways.

Another lesser recognized threat that Communist China has is their massive, underpaid workforce. The potential productivity created by the hordes of near slave-labor could bury any possible competition they set their sights on. To stop this economic menace, I have only one word: FreeCell. With every click and drag, more and more of their productivity will disappear.

The final risk that I feel Communist China has hanging over the rest of the world is their nearly inconceivably large population. This one can only be handled by the most extreme of acts. Barney videos! Once these hit the market, and prospective parents discover that they will be forced to spend much of the next 10 years of their lives watching the demented purple dinosaur, the birthrate should plummet. Or, we could introduce the most horrific of all birth control devices. Pictures of Madeline Albright naked. But that may be too cruel to inflict even on Commies.

Just remember, the only good Chinese is the guy that makes that really good Kung Po Chicken in the restaurant around the corner. Not that I hate any people in or from China, he's just the only one I really care about.... in a Platonic way.

PGHA: What should America do with Iran?

What to do in Iran. That's the question.

Unfortunately, I mis-remembered what the assignment was and spent my break time at work writing up the answer to What's the next step in Afghanistan.

So I've got that one saved up for a rainy day...

But back to Iran.

The mullahs are over there are trying to pull a Kim Jong Il and are threatening to turn America into a boiling sea of nuclear fire ...as long as we let them get the technology to do it.

Of course while the mullahs are trying to destroy the world, the people of Iran are desperately striving for freedom. I just hope that they don't become the test subjects for a fledgling nuclear program.

But I think that the best thing we can do right now is support the Iranian bloggers. Although I don't really know if that will do any good, it's really the only thing that I can do from my computer.

Although I have to admit that giving the mullahs a first hand example of what a nuclear explosion looks like does have a certain appeal...

PGHA: Hanoi Jane's Book Signings

How do you protest a protestor? That's sort of the question put up by Harvey's Precision Guided Humor Assignment for this week. Namely, what would you like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing?

And while I'm just young enough to not have any first hand memories of the Vietnam war, I do have an opinion on the subject. Most notably that most of the people who call it an illegal or immoral war forget that it takes two sides to make peace. And no matter how much we say we want to end a war, it will continue as long as the other side keeps attacking.

Surrender is not the same thing as peace.

But enough about my opinion, let's talk about Hanoi Jane.

On a personal level, I don't have any problems with her. That is; I don't hate her, I only hate the things she did. You have to admit, anyone who would leave Ted Turner can't be all bad... (although that means that she still made the mistake of marrying him in the first place.)

Anyways, getting back to the original question; What would I like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing?

Nothing.

I want no one to have her sign a book. No one to buy a copy of her book. And no one to show up.

I would like to see her just sitting there wondering if someone is giving out free ice-cream across town.

Then at her next stop, I would like to see the store manager forget that she was coming, and not have set a table up for her. I'd like to see her just sitting on the floor this time, surrounded by piles of unpurchased books.

The following day's signing would be even better, because the store chain would forget to tell her that they're not open that day, and she would be standing on the sidewalk with her face plastered to the window, trying to figure out where everybody went.

Now wouldn't all that be funny?

Basically, I would like to see the same thing happen to Jane Fonda as has happened to so many other people in history who were wrong. I want her and what she did to be forgotten. Not because what she did no longer hurts people. Not because everyone is accepting of what she did. And not because she said she's sorry (which she only said about the anti-aircraft picture, not about her protesting or other actions) and wants to be forgiven.

I want her to be forgotten because she was wrong. And for the fact that she only did those things in an attempt to be remembered for doing them.

It's sort of like the Chinese legend of the man who performed a heinous crime just to get his name in the history books. When the judge at the trial heard that the desire of fame was his motivation, he had his name stricken from the history books, and forbade his name to ever be spoken or written again.

I'm not saying that censorship is the answer. And I'm not saying that we should ignore history. But it would be nice to hear in a decade or so, "Hey do you remember that actress who went over and protested the Vietnam war?" "No, what was her name?" "I forget."

PGHA: New Weapons for the War on Terror

Recently, a disturbing trend has begun to appear in fighting terrorism. Due to Darwinian survival of the fittest, all of the easy to kill terrorists are dead, and the ones that are left are getting tougher and tougher to eliminate.

It's even gotten so bad that regular weapons are becoming less effective. In one case, the terrorist appeared to have the Agent Smith like ability to dodge bullets. (If some skinny guy in a black trench coat hadn't shown up and taken out the bad guy, it could have gotten real ugly.)

So, the Department of Defence has been forced to come up with some new weapons on the war on terror. Here is what I have been able to discover about the soon to be issued weapons.

*WARNING* *WARNING* GEEK ALERT!! *WARNING* *WARNING*

First, the new standard issue sidearm:

STING(MIM): Just like it's Lord of the Rings namesake, the Sting (Militant Islamist Modification) Standard Issue, glows when in the presence of enemies. However, instead of detecting orcs, this model glows blue when in the presence of Militant Islamists. This dagger will be given to all ground forces engaged in clearing the Sunni Triangle.

Next, the Commanding General will be armed with:

Anduril (The Flame of the West, Narsil re-forged): This mystic weapon, when wielded by Isildur's Heir could hold the key to defeating the terrorists. By using the this sword as his proof of kingship, the heir will be able to rally the undead-oath breakers to help in the defeat of the terrorist forces.

As well as being issued the new Sting(MIM), Special Forces will be equipped with the new Lothlorien Cloaks. This lightweight outer wear both protects from the sun and provides needed warmth during the cold desert nights. It also has proven to have better camouflage properties than any previously existing uniform.

Many of these elite units have also been testing the new replacements to MRE's, Lembas Bread. Early reports have been positive, however there is always the possibility that soldiers being given the same food day after day, no matter how tasty and nutritious, may become bored with the fare.

Presently in research, is the One Ring. This could prove to be the deciding element in the war on terror. The question is weather to use this artifact of phenomenal power to rule, find, bring and bind the other rings of power; or to destroy it and demolish the source of terrorism with it. Currently the project has been put on hold pending the recruitment of a person small enough to be smuggled through enemy lines.

With these additions to the Armed Services regular arsenal, it will only be a matter of time before the forces of terrorism are forever vanquished!

PGHA: Rummy in Afghanistan

Donald Rumsfeld just got back from his trip in Afghanistan. But what was he really there for? What did Rumsfeld do while he was in Afghanistan? This is the question posed by the Alliance this last week.

So here is some Incredibly Inane Information about Rumsfeld's trip to Afghanistan.

* Rumsfeld heard that the Afghanistan women are really hot once they take off those burnus biernoo bornous ...robes.

* Unfortunately, he's competing with Marines.

* Yeah, that means no one for me either.

* He was checking up on the Top Secret Laboratory the US Army built there for him.

* They're still in the early stages of Mad Science work, so he has to check on them a lot.

* Last time, the clone they made of him was only 1/4th size.

* On the plus side, this did inspire the Minnie Me character from Austin Powers.

* The royalties from that are paying for most of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

* Sometimes he just needs to go where everyone knows his name.

* Oh, wait. That's Cheers.

* In Afghanistan, most people worship him.

* He goes there to collect the offerings.

* And to do a little smiting.

* Ever since the time he scared Barney with his banjo, Afghanistan is the only place anyone will let him practice.

* Provided he stays in one of the really deep caves.

* And only plays during mortar attacks.

* There's also a little restaurant in a tiny village in southern Afghanistan where they serve the best chocolate chip cookies in the world.

* Rumsfeld is just crazy about chocolate chip cookies.

* Actually, the story is that he meant to go to Jamaica, but got on the wrong plane.

* Someone sent him to the wrong terminal.

* Stupid travel agent.

* No souvenirs for him.

* Afghanistan souvenirs are worthless anyways.

* After all, once you've seen one rock, you've pretty much seen them all.

* Except for diamonds. Those are just pretty. Ooh... shiny.

* The most realistic reason, Rumsfeld went to Afghanistan just so he didn't have to deal with the MSM for a little while. (Down side: they don't have cable over there yet, so no FOX News either)

Git along little doggies!

My first roundup is up at Alliance HQ. Go check out all the good posts everybody else made.

And now, back to Blazing Saddles!
"And for my next impression, Jesse Owens!"

PGHA: Frank J. and SarahK and the War on Terror

Teamwork is always the best way. At least that's what people always tell me when they want me to do their work for them... no, I'm not pointing fingers, Harvey.

So, with Frank J. and Sarah K. someday (hopefully soon) to be united in Holy Matrimony, a new team will be formed to fight the forces of terrorism. The question will be, of course, what effect will their marriage have on the war on terror?

And so, I give you the top 11 effects that the IMAO marriage will have on the war on terror:

* Frank's brother Joe foo' the Marine will be fighting even fiercer than usual for a Marine, so as to get home for the wedding.

* More opportunities for T-Shirt Babe pictures means better morale for the good guys. (That's us.)

* Whenever Frank gets nagged by his new wife, his anger will be taken out on the terrorists.

* The increase in cat blogging should sap the remaining will of the terrorists.

* Any two people who look that good together, have to be good at killing terrorists together.

* There's an old legend, that when a Texan and a Floridian marry, it means the end of Al Qaeda.

* Once Frank teaches Sarah the secrets of his Drunken Kung Fu stance, she will be invincible. No terrorist will be able to stand against her.

* Frank's In My World's will have an added feminine touch. Which means all sorts of nasty, vindictive things will happen to the bad guys there. (OK maybe not a direct benefit in the real war on terror, but again, good for the good guy's morale.)

* With Sarah to cover his back, Frank will be that much more deadly on the field of battle.

* Less money spent on dating by Frank means more money spent on ammo!

* But Frank and Sarah will still have their "Terroist shootin' Tuesdays" together.

That's all I could think of. It seemed like an easy assignment to begin with. But I don't know what happened to all of my creative juices today...

Top ten signs that the terrorists are losing

Over at the Alliance HQ, the question was asked, what are some signs that the terrorists are losing? Usually, I would use this to base a MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE! on, but I was a little busier than I thought I’d be this week.

So instead, I give you:

The top ten signs that the terrorists are losing:

10. Low turnout at the annual terrorist father/son picnic.

9. Decreasing sales of do-it-yourself bomb kits.

8. Large numbers of jihadists at the unemployment office.

7. Having exhausted all other sources, terrorist recruiters are now found only at Democratic rallies.

6. Because of crackdowns on funding organizations, terrorist cells have been turning to bake-sales to finance their operations.

5. Upon joining a cell, new terrorists are given a rifle, five bullets, and their own body bag.

4. Instead of waving national flags at protests, many are now waving white flags.

3. Even spammers won’t go to terrorist web sites.

2. No one is buying the new Terrorist-Patch dolls.

And the number one sign that the terrorists are losing…

The giant scoreboard reads;
Freedom - 25,374,691 vs. Terrorism - 0

PGHA: Why is North Korea so grumpy?

I was at my regular grocery store, walking down an aisle in the produce section. I had a craving for something fresh, but I was having a hard time deciding what I wanted. So I wandered aimlessly, in what looked like a fruitless search.

I had just about given up when I noticed one of the produce workers bringing in a tray of cherimoya . Man, what an ugly fruit. But I had heard that they were very tasty, so I picked a nice fresh looking one off the top of the display. (I hoped it was fresh. I couldn’t really tell, but it was on top.)

I zipped through the rest of the store, getting everything else on my list. Then, juggling my selections, (real men don’t use carts) I paid for everything and headed out to the Jeep.

Halfway across the parking lot, I fished out my fruit and tried to figure out how to eat it. Hmm. This could be harder than I thought. I was still puzzled over this as I reached the Jeep. I tossed the rest of the bags in the back and set the fruit on the bumper. After choosing which one of my regular brace of pocketknives to use, I cut the cherimoya in half.

But instead of being filled with a tasty tropical delicacy, the fruit was instead filled with a rolled up piece of paper. Well, more accurately, two pieces of paper. My razor sharp knife had cut the note in half. I was starting to have a familiar sinking feeling as I lined up the two halves and started reading.

Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find the reasons for North Korea being so darned grumpy.

Now these are a bunch of crazy communists, so be careful on your mission. These guys make Californians look normal. If you are captured or compromised in any way, we will be unable to help you or even acknowledge your existence.

Oh, and while you’re over there, pick me up some kim chee. I haven’t had any since they kicked me out of the Navy. American FDA rules make it impossible to find any authentic kim chee around here. Well, that and the fact that no one else likes fermented cabbage. It’s almost as hard to find as baalut outside the Philippines.

Mmmm. Now I’m getting hungry…

Anyways, this message will self destruct in 10 seconds.

I crammed the paper back into the fruit halves and pitched the whole thing into a nearby cart corral.

*KABOOOOOOOOM*

The shopping carts were propelled across the parking lot like wire-frame missiles. I jumped into the Jeep and expertly navigated the metallic minefield. And as I watched several thousand dollars worth of door dings occurring in my rear view mirror, I knew that it was once again time for another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music) I decided to get some help on this one, so I called my blogless brother up on the phone as soon as I got home. I hoped that he was done moving into his new house, and would be available to help me. But busy or not, he was still the best man with a search engine that I knew. I was in luck, and he answered his phone on the second ring. “Hey, Culbrez,” I asked, “can you help me out on this assignment? I need to find out why North Korea is so grumpy.”

“Sure.” He replied. “I’ll see what I can find, and then I’ll get right back to you as soon as I get something.”

Half an hour later, he called me back. “Find anything?” I asked.

“Sorry, nothing definite.” He said. “But I was able to book you on the next flight into Pyongyang.”

“What!?” I exclaimed.

“Well, I was able to hack into some military surveillance satellites over the Korean peninsula. And when I ran the pictures from them through that grumpiness detector you gave me for Christmas last year – oh, by the way. Thanks. That has been a real lifesaver on my last couple of dates. As soon as she starts getting grumpy, I know it’s time to retreat. – But where was I… oh yeah. I ran the pictures through it, and found that, nearly all of the grumpiness in the entire country is emanating from Pyongyang.”

Then he added, “After that, I checked some blown up photographs of the city, and it seems that the focus of the grumpiness is right in the presidential palace. So I booked a flight for you so you can go and investigate it yourself. Personally, I’m betting Kim Jong Il is the source. But you’ll have to find out what makes him so grumpy.”

“Gee thanks.” I was sure that it was Kim Jong Il myself. But I wasn’t planning on having to go to North Korea. I was grasping at straws, but I asked him again. “Did you find anything else?”

“Just one more thing. Kim Jong Il is going to be staying at a health spa just outside the city this week. You might be able to catch up with him there.”

“Well, that’s something. As long as he’s not at the palace, I might have a chance to get close to him.” I was now resigned to my trip. I just hoped that I would be able to use the flight towards my Sky-Miles.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” my brother added as I was saying goodby, “the flight is a cargo carrier going to pick up a load of basketball sneakers. So dress warm, they don’t always heat the cargo holds.” *Click*

Oh boy.

I packed up my stuff and locked up my apartment. I had to hurry to catch my flight. On the positive side, at least I wouldn’t be getting any airline peanuts on this trip…

Twenty hours later, I felt the bump of the landing gear as we touched down at Pyongyang International. I slowly pulled myself out of the folding chair that I had been buckled into. A groan escaped my lips as the blood returned to my legs. Maybe I should have paid extra to sit up with the crew. I thought to myself. But I wanted as few people to know I was in the country as possible, and as long as I stayed in the cargo area, only me and the crew chief knew I was back here.

*Clack* The sound of an AK-47 being chambered made me freeze in place. OK, make that me, the crew chief, three North Korean officers and the twelve North Korean soldiers holding the rifles pointed at my head. Time to go to plan B.

“Hi,” I said as brightly as I could force myself, “My name is John Liberal. I’m Michael Moore’s personal assistant, and I’m here to do research for a documentary.”

I kept my hands in the air while I watched the two officers debate what they heard. One of them broke away from the others. “You no Michael Moore.” He accused in broken English. “Michael Moore no fit on plane this small.”

“No.” I tried to clarify my lie, “I’m Mr. Moore’s assistant. I work for him.”

“Oh.” He seemed to understand me, and he took this new information back to the discussion. Suddenly, the other two both smiled. The highest-ranking one (I’m guessing that stars on the shoulders mean the same there, as here.) walked up and shook my hand. “How can we help the assistant of the famous Mr. Moore?” he asked in much better English than his lower ranked associate.

“I’m here to get some background information about your ‘Glorious Leader’ Mr. Kim Jong Il.” I said. “That way Mr. Moore will be able to put him in the best possible light. We want to make him the Castro of the East!”

“Better yet,” joked the general, “make it so Castro is called the Kim Jong Il of the Caribbean!”

I laughed along with the other officers. I knew that as long as I was with them, I had to pretend to be a commie loving liberal. I just hoped that the strain of acting contrary to all of my beliefs wasn’t too much for me to handle.

In what seemed like no time at all, I was being ushered into the “Presidential Suite” at the health spa Mr. Kim was staying at. The limo ride over had been rather uneventful. Unless you were paying close attention, you wouldn’t notice that the healthy, happily waving people that we kept passing were all wearing uniforms under their “simple peasant garb.” I was given the standard Hollywood treatment. They were making sure that I didn’t see anything that would disillusion me about the wonders of communism.

I was seated by myself at a small table in the center of the ante-room to the suite. I was in a comfortable, but plain chair. It didn’t look like it had any means of restraints built into it, so I wasn’t worried about that, yet. My only concern was with being able to pull off the charade. Would the formerly poofy-haired dictator believe that I was really there to interview him for an upcoming movie?

After sitting there for half an hour, other thoughts started to nag me. Could they be calling Hollywood to check my story? Were they too paranoid to trust a seemingly liberal gift horse? Were they at that moment preparing a cell in which to lock me up and throw away the key? Did I leave the stove on at home?

I gave myself a mental slap. Pull yourself together. And then because I don’t like it when someone slaps me, I slapped myself back. That was about to escalate into a mental knuckle and skull brawl when the door going into the next room opened.

A man dressed in a valet’s uniform told me that I could come in. I quickly composed myself and tried to look as much like a Hollywood liberal as I could. (Without looking totally gay, that is.)

Finally, I was standing in front of the “Glorious Leader” himself. I could see that even though he was trying to put on a good face for me, someone he thought was going to be making a movie about him, he was still pretty grumpy.

I started in with the movie pitch, and hoped for the best.

“Mr. Kim Jong Il,” I started, “what we’re looking to do, is show the rest of the world, the caring and sensitive side of you that those evil conservatives are always saying you don’t have. We want this movie to say to them, you’re a great guy!” Boy, I was laying it on thick. I just hoped that we didn’t need hip waders soon.

“So can you start by telling me a little about yourself? How are you feeling right now?” It was silly, but maybe I’d get lucky and he would tell me.

“I’m not in a real good mood right now.” He confessed. “I’ve had things bothering me for a while. That’s why I came to this health spa this week.”

Jackpot! I did a couple of mental cartwheels. This was going to be easier than I thought!

“Can you tell me what’s bothering you?” I asked. “Maybe I can help, somehow.”

“Well, the first thing that was really bugging me was the neighbors.” He started. “Those South Korean’s dogs were barking all night long!”

“Ah,” I said, “So you haven’t been able to get any sleep?”

“No, no.” he replied. “I’ve been sleeping just fine. All that barking made me hungry. But once I’ve had my midnight snack, I usually feel just fine.”

“Oh… well that’s good news.” Strike one. I was sure that I had found the cause of his grumpiness. “Anything else bothering you?”

“My favorite sit-com was canceled last month. They stopped making ‘I Love Loo Chee’ right in the middle of the season.”

“I can see why that might make you a little angry.” I commiserated.

“Oh, that didn’t make me angry. Just hungry again.” He said.

“How’s that?” I asked.

“They replaced it with ‘Lassie’ re-runs.”

I barely managed to keep the nausea I was feeling out of my facial expression. I swallowed back the bile I could feel and asked him again, “Was there anything else that was bothering you?”

“Yes there was.” He said. “I had a pair of underwear that was really chafing me.”

“Is there anything that we can do to help?” I questioned. If all it took to end North Korea’s political saber rattling were some new underwear, it would be worth the purchase.

“No, that’s all taken care of. I gave them to my cousin. It used to be I could wear one pair for a whole year without taking them off. But now I can only seem to get six months out of them.” Suddenly an idea seemed to hit him. “Maybe I should try washing them once in a while!”

Must not vomit! I thought to myself. Out loud all I said was, “Yeah, that might help.”

I was getting desperate. I didn’t think that I could take any more of these personal revelations from the North Korean. But I had to find the real source of his grumpiness. I hope this time I get the real answer. I thought as I asked, for what I hoped was the last time. “Is there anything else bothering you right now?”

“There is one thing that has been really making me grouchy lately.” He admitted.

Oh please, don’t let this be about eating dogs, or poor personal hygiene. I prayed. “What is it?” I asked him.

“I just haven’t been happy since the NHL lockout.” He said. “I miss my hockey so much.” He added with a moan.

“I can’t agree with you more.” I agreed. For the first time, I was not lying to him. A small tear formed in the corner of my eye, the cancellation of the entire hockey season had hit me hard too.

While hockey wasn’t my entire life, I could definitely understand how the loss of the season could drive a man to threatening nuclear war. I’d probably react that way myself if a whole football season was called off.

A feeling of compassion for this little dictator spread through me. I was really starting to understand him, and he didn’t seem that bad a guy.

However, his next statement completely erased any good feelings I was starting to have.

“I was really hoping the Rangers would win the cup this year.” He mused.

This time I was unable to keep the look of revulsion off my face. “You monster!” I cried. “How could you root for them?”

His reaction to that statement was as severe as mine was to his. “Blasphemer.” He cursed. Then he yelled out, “Guards! Arrest this man!”

Fortunately, none of his guards spoke English, and before he could repeat himself in Korean, I was out of my chair and racing for the door.

I burst out into the hallway, and saw the guards at each end. Using the stairs to escape was now out of the question. I spotted the laundry chute set into the wall. Hey, sometimes clichés are the only answer. I dove for the hamper door.

*Clang*

Ouch! It was locked shut. I guess the security detail for the spa had seen all the same spy movies I had. Well that egress was out. I had to come up with a different way out. And fast. Kim Jong Il had remembered to yell for his guards in Korean, and they were approaching fast.

I ducked into a doorway across the hall from the presidential suite I had just left. From the décor, it was another large suite. I locked the door behind me and ran to a window.

As the soldiers started kicking in the door, I pulled open the window and jumped out. I knew I was on the top floor, but I was getting desperate.

I was in luck. Below me I could see a swimming pool. Bad news was, it was only March, and there was no water in it! Good news was it was filled with snow. I hoped that it was light and not too hard packed.

I landed with a soft thud. I quickly climbed out and ran for my life. Fortunately, being completely covered in snow, the soldiers had a hard time picking me out among all of the snowdrifts and none of them got any clean shots at me.

I made my way back to the airport, and managed to hide myself in an outgoing crate of sneakers. I just hoped that the shipment was going to Buffalo. Or at least somewhere in the North-east.

As I settled in among the shoes, I realized two things. One, North Korea was grumpy for the same reasons as most of Canada and the Northern U.S.; no-hockey meant no-happy.

And two, I had forgotten Harvey’s authentic kim chee. Well, TNT would probably appreciate that…

PGHA: Dan Rather's sign off

I was out taking Slinky the Wonder Ferret for a walk, when I saw a beautiful super-model talking in a phone booth. Out of nowhere, she waved to me, and made hand motions that I should come closer. I know that sounds hard to believe, but there are actually a few phone booths left around the area.

As I approached her, she held out the receiver and said in a sultry voice, “It’s for you.”

She started fussing over Slinky, so I decided to see who was on the phone. When I tried to bring the phone to my head, the cord was twisted and seemed to be caught on something. I gave it a hard tug.

Whatever it was hooked on gave way, and I inadvertently smacked myself in the head with the phone. Instant tears sprang to my eyes and I cut back a curse.

When I finished blinking away the tears and pain, the supermodel was gone. All of a sudden, I had a bad feeling about the whole setup.

With more than a little apprehension, I held the phone up to my ear. “Hello. Hello? Helloooooooo.”

“Ah good, you finally picked up.

“Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what Dan Rather should have done to make his last CBS Evening News broadcast more memorable.

“Oh, and if she hasn’t left yet, can you ask TNT to pick up some Reddy-Whip on the way home?”

“Um, the super model?”

“Yeah, she’s my formerly-blogless Beloved Wife, TNT of Smiling Dynamite.”
(SHAMELESS PLUG!!!!!!)

“Oh. Uh, she’s gone.”

“Drat! Oh well. This message will self destruct in 10… 9…”

I grabbed Slinky and ran for my life.

*KAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

As I dodged the burning pieces of Verizon property falling from the sky, I knew that it was time for another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

I had the perfect place to start. Find out what Dan Rather really said in his farewell broadcast.

Nah, I decided to just imagine what he said.

Yada yada yada … pretend to support the military … yada yada yada … pretend to like America … yada yada yada … pretend to care about everyone … yada yada yada …courage.

OK got it. Now to come up with better ways he could have done his sign-off.

I determined that in order to come up with a better broadcast, I would need to be marginally smarter than the CBS broadcast programmers.

Hmm, how to loose 100 IQ points…?

I slammed my head in a drawer repeatedly, and then sat down in front of a six hour Spongebob marathon.

Duh…

Gradually, my intelligence returned. I wiped the drool off of my chin and looked at what I had come up with. These are what I was able to decipher from the crayoned scrawls.

Dan Rather: … and to Mr. Shieffer here who is going to be replacing me, I admit that you are a better reporter than I am.

Shieffer: Then why are you smiling?

Rather: Because I know something that you don’t know. I am not left handed!

Then Rather and Shieffer proceed to duel with pencils all over the news set.

Then next one was:

Dan Rather: … courage. And now, my associate Gonzo and I will be attempting a first for broadcast television. Reverse bungee jumping.

Gonzo: First we tie these bungee cords to our ankles! And then we strap these rocket packs to our packs, which will propel us over fifty feet into the air! Then the bungee cords will yank us back to the ground at over one hundred miles an hour!

Rather: (strapping on his rocket pack) Where our fall will be broken by…?

Gonzo: THE FLOOR!

Rather: Wait!

*WHOOOOSH* *SPROING* *SPLAT*

The next one I could decipher from pile was:

Dan Rather finishes up the news and takes a sip of water from a glass on the desk.

Rather: …and finally, I would like to tell all of the viewers at home what I really think of them. (truth serum in the water kicks in) I… can’t… stand… you. I hate your guts! You people make me sick! Who do you think you are, getting me fired over those memos? You people can’t tell me what to do! I’m the one who tells you what to think!! You will all pay for this…

Rather is tackled by two large sound guys and dragged off the air cursing at the camera.

The next two were related:

Dan Rather finishes up his broadcast “…courage. And now I’d like to present a little something for everyone.”

Rather then produces an electric guitar and performs Queen’s “God Gave Rock And Roll To You.”

He finishes the performance by jumping off the top of the desk while shouting “WILD STALLYNS RULES!”

… and …

This ends the same as the last one, but instead of playing like the end of “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey,” he plays like the end of “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”

The last one of the bunch that I could figure out was this:

Dan Rather finishes up his broadcast and starts humming. His humming gradually gets louder, and suddenly he breaks into song.

“They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be
happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!”

A group of men in white coats appear from off screen. Rather pulls a straightjacket from under his chair and starts putting it on. “Got to go everybody!” he shouts. “My rides here!”

That’s all I seemed to be able to come up with. I might have been able to do more if I could have lost more brain cells, but those things are tougher to loose than I thought.

PGHA: Terrorist Warning Label

Terrorists in general, and more specifically car bombers, are facing their first real threat. No longer can they go about their business without a care in the world. No longer do they have the tacit approval of all of the liberals of the western world. No longer are they allowed to act with impunity.

And why?

One word.

One awful, spine-tingling, nerve wracking, stomach churning, bowel loosening, ulcer causing word.

Lawyers

First, terrorists were forced to respond to legal charges that they were not giving fair warning when using their IEDs. Their legal representatives argued that their product emitted a visible flash, and “warning shrapnel.”

Next, the terrorists were hit with a lawsuit charging that there were no warning labels on their car bombs, alerting people to the possible dangers of using them. In an effort to prevent punitive legal charges, and cover all possible future lawsuits, they have come up with a new warning label to be fixed in a prominent position on the bumpers of all future cars being used for car-bombings.

WARNING!! – This product MAY be harmful to your health.

- For external use only.
- Do not use in shower.
- Do not use while sleeping.
- Do not use while under heavy medication.
- Not safe for use by minors.
- Contents under extreme pressure.
- Always make sure to wear proper eye protection.
- May cause loss of bladder control.
- May cause sterility in men.
- Has been proven to cause hair loss in laboratory mice.
- Not a toy.
- May contain small parts: not suitable for children under 3.
- May become hot after use.
- May be harmful if swallowed.
- Misuse may cause injury or death.
- Not dishwasher safe.
- Do not attempt to put in pants.
- Do not use orally.
- Not safe for use around pets.
- May cause skin irritation.
- Can cause birth defects.
- May cause cancer.
- May cause hearing loss.
- May contain peanuts or peanut products.
- May contain dairy products.
- Do not use as a marital aid. (That one was for Harvey.)
- Dry clean only.
- Not recommended for use while pregnant.
- May cause headaches.
- May damage delicate clothing.
- May cause memory loss.
- May cause liver damage.
- May lead to heart disease.
- Misuse may result in damage to property.
- Misuse may void warranty.
- Do not use while eating.
- Do not use under water.
- Not for use as a floatation device.
- Not to be used by livestock.
- Contains at least 24% recycled materials.
- May cause flu-like symptoms.
- Not for use by those with back problems.
- May have sharp edges.
- Not recommended for use while on the phone.
- Do not use with aspirin.
- Do not use while drinking coffee.
- Not for use in bed.
- Must be disposed of in a properly marked receptacle.
- May contain PCBs.
- This is not part of a well-balanced breakfast.
- You may already be a winner!
- May contain lead.
- May contain Dihydrogen Monoxide.
- May cause Carbon Dioxide emissions.
- Not for use as a diving board.
- Do not use without adult supervision.
- Does not protect from UV-A rays.
- May cause tumors.
- May cause kidney disease.
- May contain tar.
- May contain nicotine.
- Do not point at eyes.
- Do not expose to temperatures above 14,000 °F.
- Do not leave in direct sunlight.
- Not a safe alternative to cigarettes.
- May cause emphysema.
- May result in low birth weight.
- Not intended to treat, cure or prevent any disease.
- Results not guaranteed.
- May cause drowsiness.
- May cause sleeplessness.
- May cause hives.
- May induce shock-like symptoms.
- May be associated with Reye’s Syndrome.
- Do not use if you have stomach problems.
- May contain Red Dye #5.
- Fragile: Do Not Drop.
- This side up. ↑
- May interfere with pacemakers.
- Keep away from sparks and open flames.
- Do not puncture or incinerate.
- May cause fever.
- May cause nausea.
- May cause swelling.
- Do not use with a sore throat.
- Slippery when wet.
- If swallowed, do not induce vomiting.
- Not a dietary substitute.
- May contain sugar or a sugar substitute.
- May cause Methane emissions.
- May harm the ozone layer.
- May contribute to global warming.
- May contribute to global cooling.
- Not for use as educational material.
- Not to be used for heavy lifting.
- Caution: Low Ceiling.
- Always wear gloves.
- No shoes, no shirt, no service.
- May contain pet dander.
- May contain Ginseng.
- May contain Taurine.
- May cause bleeding.
- May cause gingivitis.
- Void where prohibited by law.
- Helmet use is recommended.
- Objects may be larger than they appear.
- Results not tested by the F.D.A.
- Usage and other fees may apply.
- May induce puppy-blending.
- May cause Penguinophilia.
- May cause drifting in spots.
- Not suitable for Hobo Bashing.
- May cause an Instalanche. (OK, that last one is just wishfull thinking.)

On a related note, all car bombings have come to a complete halt while terrorists frantically search for a car with a large enough bumper to affix the warning label to.

PGHA: Setting the Blogsphere's Crosshairs

I was browsing around the blogsphere and saw the latest Alliance Assignment. Apparently, the blogsphere has dragged down another big-wig like a pack of wolves, and now they are looking around for someone new to set their sights on.

So the question was set: Who will be the next person brought down by the blogsphere, and how will it happen?

I checked the major news reports to see if there were any big stories breaking, or major political figures doing something stupid.

Frankly, I was overwhelmed. You can’t open a paper or turn on the news without seeing someone who deserves to be brought down a notch or two. But I couldn’t figure out who would be a good target for the whole blogsphere…

EXCEPT HAROLD FINKWINKLESTEIN, WHO RUNS THE LOTS-O-STUFF DELI!

EVERY TIME I ASK FOR THIN-SLICED HAM, HE ALWAYS CUTS IT THICK. SOMETIMES I CAN ONLY GET THREE OR FOUR SANDWICHES OUT OF HALF A POUND!

AND LAST WEEK WHEN I ASKED FOR AMERICAN SWISS CHEESE, HE CLAIMED THEY WERE ALL OUT EVEN THOUGH I COULD SEE OVER A POUND OF IT INSIDE THE COOLER!

AND HE NEVER HAS ANY GOOD PICKLES! AND HE CLAIMS TO BE A HIGH QUALITY DELI! WHAT KIND OF DELI DOESN’T HAVE PICKLES?!?!

THE BLOGSPHERE MUST RISE UP AND SHOW THE WORLD WHAT A FRAUD HAROLD FINKWINKLESTEIN IS! THE LOTS-O-STUFF DELI MUST BE REVEALED AS THE LOW QUALITY ESTABLISHMENT IT IS!

ALL OF THE BLOGS OF THE ALLIANCE NEED TO BAND TOGETHER AND…

Sorry about that.

That was my evil anti-ego VIBEG.

You know how inside every nice person there is a nasty one trying to get out. Well a lot of people say that I am a very nice guy (usually the same ones who say that women like guys with a sense of humor, but I digress), so it just stands to reason, that the nasty guy inside me is really nasty.

Unfortunately, VIBEG is also a bit deranged. You’d think that being the anti-me, he would be sane… maybe I’m not as crazy as I think. I’ll try to keep him in check for the rest of the assignment.

The real sad part is that Harold Finkwinklestein is the owner of a dry cleaner, not the deli. I wondered why the told me to use the one across town from now on…

Personally, I figure that the next victim of the blogsphere will be Frank J. of IMAO. Since going to a group blog format, IMAO has been getting too big too fast, and Evil Glenn won’t allow that.

He all ready set up one attempt on Frank J.’s life. And since that didn’t work, it’s only a matter of time before he starts making an issue of Frank J.’s filthy lies.

The question is, will Frank J. be strong enough to withstand the blogsphere scrutiny?

PGHA: Cheer up a Marine

Oops.

I just checked the Alliance HQ assignments for the week, and realized that I forgot to post this earlier. The official deadline for the assignment was this evening, but the suggestion was made that the earlier the better.

I apologize for the delay.

Anyways, the assignment was for everyone to post a joke or two about the military to help cheer up a Marine. I think I’ve posted this one before, but it may have been on my old blogspot site.

So here goes.

A story with a moral

One day a third grade teacher asked her students to each tell a story about their families with a moral.

The first student was little Jimmy. “Yesterday, my sister was coming back from the chicken coop with all of the eggs for the day, and she tripped and broke all the eggs.” He said.

“Very good,” said the teacher. “And what was the moral to that story?”

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” answered the boy.

The next story was from Billy. “Last week, my little brother knocked over his milk at breakfast, and started crying so loud that he got a spanking.”

“And the moral is?” said the teacher.

“Don’t cry over spilt milk.”

Next up was sweet little Tammy. “My Uncle John is a Marine.” She started. “And last year he was flying a helicopter when it was hit by enemy fire. He knew that the helicopter was going to crash, so he checked to see what supplies he had. All he had was his rifle, a knife and a bottle of whisky.

“He drank the whole bottle of whisky on the way down, so that the crash wouldn’t spill any of it. Then when he climbed out of the wreck, he found he was surrounded by a hundred terrorists!

“He killed half of them with his rifle, until he ran out of ammo. Then he used his knife and killed another 30 of them until his knife broke. Then he strangled the last 20 with his bare hands!”

“Good Lord!” exclaimed the shocked teacher. “And what could the moral to that story be?”

“Don’t mess with Uncle John when he’s been drinking!”

An Air Force General, an Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral were all arguing about which service had the bravest men. The argument got so heated that the Air Force General called over one of his men.

“Airman!” he said. “Climb to the top of that radar tower and jump off!”

The airman saluted, said whatever it is airmen say (up, up and away, or something…) and climbed to the top of the tower and jumped off. Splat!

The Air Force General smiled and said, “That’s how brave my boys are.”

Not to be outdone, the Army General called over one of his men. “Soldier, climb to the top of that tower and make me proud.”

The soldier climbed to the top of the tower, un-slung his rifle and jumped off, firing all the way to the round. Splat!

The Army General just smiled at the other officers.

The Marine General snorted and called over one of his Marines. “Marine!” he barked. “Climb to the top of that tower and show them what real men are made of!”

The Marine climbed to the top of the tower, pulled out a hand grenade, pulled the pin and stuffed it in his mouth. Then he pulled out two 45’s and jumped, firing into the air as he fell. And exploded half way to the ground. Boom!

The Marine General smiled and said, “Let’s see any of your pansies top that.”

The Admiral pulled out a cigar, and while rolling it between his fingers, called over a Sailor.
“Sailor.” he said, “Climb to the top of that tower and jump off.”

The Sailor looked at the tower, and then back at the Admiral. “Screw you, sir.” He said.

The Admiral turned to the generals as he lit up his cigar. “That, gentlemen,” he said as he puffed the cigar, “takes real guts!”

PGHA: Fixing the Democratic Party

The question was raised, what can be done to fix the Democratic Party?

I believe that the traditional method is the best. Simply take the Democratic Party to the vet, leave it there overnight, and it will be fixed by the next day.

The Democratic Party may require a little recovery time. But it will be up and running around in just a few days. And now, it won’t be having accidents all over the furniture. Plus, there is the added benefit of not having to deal with any little Democratic Parties in the future.

Many studies have also shown that this procedure will also modify certain behaviors of the Democratic Party; such as yelping at people just doing their jobs, (police, utility workers, the military, etc.) and the constant fighting over pecking order. The procedure is also shown to calm certain types of individuals, cutting down on the annoyance of the Democratic Party’s constant clamoring for attention.

One word of warning. In some cases, following the procedure, a subject may experience discomfort at the site of the surgery. This can lead to chewing that can cause secondary infections. To prevent this, it is sometimes advisable to place a motion restriction collar on the subject. But remember, while wearing such a collar may look comical to you; try not to laugh directly at the Democratic Party. It has been known to savagely attack anyone it perceives as an enemy.

PGHA: Media Bias

Well, CBS finally finished their investigation of the Rathergate Memos. Somehow, they came to the conclusion that there was no intentional media bias on the part of CBS in airing the forged documents. It turns out they were only guilty of trying to be the first ones to report a story (that had been reported 4 or 5 times already) and used material that they had not spent enough time checking out.

The conclusion that the rest of the world (meaning all of us bloggers) is that; if Memogate doesn’t indicate media bias, what would?

How about if Rather had ended each segment of 60 minutes with “Vote for Kerry” each night? Or would that just be interpreted as just an attempt to get more people involved in the democratic process?

Maybe if the papers ran a headline saying “BUSH IS EVIL” it would be showing media bias? Probably not. They would be able to get out of an investigation by saying that the headline was a misinterpretation of a story on poisonous plant life. And even if, after carefully reading the articles, the critics say that it is a news article about the President, the media leaders will probably fall back and fire some assistant editor, claiming it was all some underlings fault.

The only way that I can see anybody in the Legacy Media admitting to the liberal bias is if Kerry had won the Presidency, and the Democrats had swept all of the races in both the House and Senate, they would be breaking their arms patting themselves on the back. And you know that they wouldn’t waste a second reminding the new President that they put him in the office and that he owed them.

So as far as I can tell, the only time the Legacy Media would admit to a bias, would be too late for the rest of us to do anything about it.

Well, I’ve rambled enough for the day.

(That is all)

PHGA: The generous ones...

The call went out across the blogsphere! Find out what the “generous” people gave to the tsunami relief.

After some serious digging, (and some not so serious creativity) I was able to compile a list of what was given:

(Note: actual donations may have no relationship to that which is reported here.)

France:
Donated a one year supply of the entire nation’s personal hygiene products. (What Indonesia is going to do with two bars of soap, a single stick of underarm deodorant and a toilet brush is up to them.)

Also donated a two month supply of cheese. (Most survivors are using this as a mortar base for reconstruction purposes. One unfortunate person actually tried to eat it an had to be med-evacted to a nearby aircraft carrier.

Norway
One town of 500 donated their entire year’s take-home pay. (The approximately $42 was used to rescue 3 trapped sea turtles.)

Cuba
Donated 140 Cubans to help set up a new Indonesian Baseball League. (1300 other Cubans were found to be stowed away in their sports equipment.)

China
Didn’t invade or fire any nuclear missiles. (About the best you could hope for, really.)

Hollywood
Dug really deep and sent over what mattered most to all of the actors and actresses. (Unfortunately, the per capita amount of photographers is now well over 10 per person in India.)

Michael Moore
Donated the hair from the scruffy beard he recently shaved off. (It may have looked scraggly, but once you factor in the square footage of face that it had to cover, you find that there is easily enough material to thatch several small huts.)

Barbra Streisand
Donated… well nothing that I could find. But I didn’t look very hard. Ooh, I just found it. She donated the missing “a” from her first name. (I always wondered where that went.)

Well, I couldn’t find any more donations from “generous” people. Unless you want to count the hundreds of millions of dollars donated by all of the rest of America.

That is all.

PGHA: What should we get the terrorists for Christmas?

The traditional “gift” for naughty boys and girls is coal. Perhaps to represent their evil, black little hearts. Along this line of reasoning, I came up with a few “gift” ideas for terrorists.

A lump of lead, (preferably traveling at more than the speed of sound) to represent their dense little brains.

A lump of uranium, (nicely wrapped in an implosive, shaped charge, with the optional altitude detonator attached). Again, representing their dense, little brains. And if Santa is a little busy, we can drop that one out of a B-2 for him. After this present, the lumps of coal will be former terrorists…

A lump of chocolate, representing their sweet goodness… oh wait, that one is for Susie.

Aw heck, when you think about it, any chunk of fossil fuel will do. Provided that you cram it down their throats hard enough! A 5-gallon can of gasoline would be more than enough to drown a dozen terrorists, as long as you took your time, drowned them one at a time and stood on the back of their heads until the kicking stopped.

OK, that was a little bitter. So I guess I should stop there.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

PGHA: Legacy Media Lies

Weather they use outright lies, or merely distortions, the Mainstream, or as Harvey likes to call them, Legacy Media are always going to try to influence the way people think, or interpret events. So the question was put forth at the Alliance Headquarters, “What exaggerations, distortions or outright lies will the Legacy Media promulgate as fact in the closing days of 2004?”

At first, I though about making something up. But that seemed like too much work. So instead, in true procrastinator spirit, I decided to put it off indefinitely.

What I’ll do instead is wait until someone invents a time machine that hooks into my e-mail. Once that happens, I’ll just e-mail myself a list of the lies that the media comes up with for the end of 2004.

It’s that simple!

UPDATE: Wow, that was fast! I just got the e-mail from myself. Here it is:

Hey GEBIV,

It’s me, GEBIV from the future. I can’t tell me how far from the future (we don’t want to change history too much) but here is that list of biased and completely misleading headlines that I wanted me to get for myself.

Media Lies

12/20: Coalition Forces in Iraq completely bogged down.
Two tanks get stuck in a swamp after a flash flood on the outskirts of Baghdad.

12/24: Santa warned not to come to Iraq.
Flippant remark by an Army Specialist about how “…our anti-aircraft radar could pick off Saint Nick from a hundred miles out.” panics small children across America.

12/25: American Troops found smuggling contraband.
Two GI’s are accused by Baghdad Imams of illegal possession of Christmas Carol music.

12/27: Troop morale at all time low.
A small article about post-holiday depression gets blown all out of proportion.

12/28: President accused of covering up bad economic figures.
During a meeting with his accountant, President Bush photographed after he accidentally sets his coffee cup on top of a stack of receipts and is accused of trying to “hide something.”

12/29: Bush says: THE END IS NEAR!!!!
Just a direct miss-quote of the President remarking how close it is to the end of the year.

12/30: Blogging bad for your health!
An article based on the misleading statistic that more bloggers than non-bloggers (ie. people without opinions) get in fist fights at political conventions.

12/31: Pentagon says: NO END IN SIGHT FOR IRAQ WAR!
Another direct miss-quote of a Pentagon Official. When he was asked if the war would end this year, he sarcastically replied that there was “no way that the war would be over this year.” The reporter didn’t realize that December had 31 days and assumed that the official was speaking of 2005.

That’s all that I was able to find for me. I’m pretty sure that that was what I wanted, but a lot of the end of 2004 is still a little fuzzy for me. Oh, that reminds me, that isn’t guacamole in the fridge (the doctor said that it was probably really old chili).

And to heck with history! Even though I don’t remember winning the lottery, here’s the winning lotto numbers for 12/1/04: &al;aweirb awie^(***;jkah;sdf ;aln;afjn; fan ;sd/wejb aas;dlkfnsadf…

Just great. The e-mail got corrupted. I just hope I haven’t introduced some sort of future super-virus to the HOIojasd;I a;sdifja e,dfa

PHGA: Terrorist reaction to Bush's Election

The Precision Guided Humor Assignment has been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. The moderator for the assignments, Harvey, has also been on vacation. Coincidence?

I don't believe in coincidences. (If I were a liberal, at this point I probably would start talking about conspiracies. But that's a whole other ball game.)

Anyways, I was going to type up something new for this weeks assignment (Worldwide reactions to Bush's re-election), but then I found that I already had a perfect post.

Arafat in a Coma!

Come on. You don't really think that his whole hospitalization starting the day after the election was a coincidence, do you?

PGHA: 380 Tons of explosives

I had 380 tons of high explosives show up in the mail the other day. Now I just have to figure out what to do with all of it…

Well, now that the election is over and President Bush has a relatively clear majority, I can thankfully scrap the more apocalyptic thoughts I had for that much explosive. I guess that I won’t have to booby-trap all of the approaches to my home. (Just kidding. The traps are still there, just without any explosives. So I guess that would make them non-lethal…)

Anyways, here’s my ideas:

Since most of the missing explosives, when mixed with the proper chemicals or resins form a plastic-like substance, a whole realm of possibilities opens up.

One of my first thoughts was a High Explosive novelty cigar. But after I thought about it for a while, I seemed to remember reading somewhere that Islamo-Fascist Fundamentalists don’t smoke, so I thought distribution might be a problem.

Next, I thought about making HMX sunglasses. But I wasn’t sure if the explosives could be turned into an opaque plastic lens. And I thought that the sunglass frames might be a little small to fit a detonator into. Especially if we had to stick with the high fashion designs that today’s modern terrorist seems to wear.

I briefly toyed with the idea of HMX condoms, but that just seemed a little unfair to camels.

Finally, I was inspired by the final scene of “Caddyshack.” Except instead of cute little fuzzy bunnies and other little critters, I was thinking along the lines of an Islamo-Fascist Academy Award. The IFAA, or Mucti, (so called because they were modeled on the likeness of Muctada Al Sadr) would be a chubby little statue just cram packed with explosive goodness. (For us, that is.)

The Muctis would be given out at a grand ceremony where all of the terrorists present would receive one. We could make up categories as we went along. Like “Best Turban,” “Biggest Stash of Guns,” “Highest Main Stream Media Ratings”, “Largest Living Group Of Followers” or “Most Likely to Blow Up” (OK, hopefully they’ll all win that last one. But you get the idea.)

Then, when all of the terrorists have their Muctis, they can be set off by remote detonators built into the base, or by a pre-set timer. (“Jamal, is your Mucti ticking, too?” “No. But mine just started to make a beeping noise.” KABOOM)

If it works really well, we could consider other award ceremonies… “The Poofy Haired Dictator Lifetime Un-Achievement Award” just popped into my head for a start.